hungry. She banged her wooden fish drum, got her maid to bring her a cup of butter tea and then shut the door. It was night now and the sky was black. SangsangTashi stared at the charred wick of her butter lamp and tried to picture how she would look tomorrow. The thought of having to lie down naked in the Meditation Hall made her stomach clench with fear. She tried to wipe this unholy picture from her mind and return to her meditation, but found it impossible to concentrate. She was restless with anxiety. This was the first time in many years that she had been unable to focus her mind. The thought that she was violating her monastic vows frightened her. She relit the lamp that sheâd just blown out, recited the Mantra of the Five Bodhisattvas, and at last her mind began to still.
Early the next morning, she woke up and was overcome by the sensation that in every cell of her body, she was a woman. Dawn had not yet broken and a gentle mist still hung in the sky. She felt her blood stream calmly through her veins and her breasts press against her nightshirt. Her thighs, pelvis and stomach felt smooth and supple. As she sat up, she became even more conscious of her femininity.
Then suddenly she remembered that in a few hours she would be lying naked in front of hundreds of people. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders. With her teeth clenched, she stared outside her window and watched the sky turn from purple to blue, then gradually become lighter and lighter.
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A crowd of several hundred monks filled the Meditation Hall. Every butter lamp was lit. Bells, horns, drums and cymbals broke into sound. Wearing a ceremonial robe and a necklace of crimson beads, Sangsang Tashi entered the hall, walked to the hard cushions in the middle of the room and sat down opposite Labrang Chantso. She folded her legs in the lotus position, placed her hands on her knees with palms upturned, and chanted the Mantra of the Five Bodhisattvas. Her mind was still agitated, her hands trembled. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. To relieve her tension she dug her feet into the backs of her knees. When the horns sounded again, she realised that she hadnât yet entered her meditation. Quickly she tried to whisper the Tara Mantra to summon her inner deity, but the words came out in the wrong order.
It was too late now. She opened her eyes and saw Labrang Chantso remove his robes and walk towards her. She looked up at him pleadingly then, shaking
with fear, let him push her down onto the hard cushions. Very soon, she felt a sharp pain between her legs and the suffocating weight of a body pressing down on her. She sensed that the woman who had woken inside her just a few hours ago was slowly being ripped to shreds.
Soon the pain subsided, and she became aware of the sweat on her back and neck. She let herself roll and shake as Labrang Chantso moved back and forth on top of her. She felt as though she were floating into a black hole. From time to time, an itching sensation spread through her thighs. Inside the black hole, however, she knew that she was alone, and this allowed her a moment of calm.
Then suddenly she remembered that she was performing the Union of the Two Bodies Ritual. She remembered that she must awaken her chakras if she and Labrang Chantso were to achieve a union of wisdom and compassion. But just as her psychic energy was about to reach her Wisdom Chakra, Labrang Chantso dragged her up onto her feet, hitched her right leg to his waist, and shook her so hard that her mind went blank.
She felt herself wither and wilt as Labrang Chantso clung to her like a magnet, sucking the energy from her bones. At last, she collapsed on the floor. She was helpless. She had no choice but to
let Labrang Chantso do with her as he wished. When he sat down again in the lotus position and tugged her towards him, she slumped onto his lap and, like the dakinis on the murals, hooked her legs around his back. The breasts that had grown on her chest
Early the next morning, she woke up and was overcome by the sensation that in every cell of her body, she was a woman. Dawn had not yet broken and a gentle mist still hung in the sky. She felt her blood stream calmly through her veins and her breasts press against her nightshirt. Her thighs, pelvis and stomach felt smooth and supple. As she sat up, she became even more conscious of her femininity.
Then suddenly she remembered that in a few hours she would be lying naked in front of hundreds of people. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders. With her teeth clenched, she stared outside her window and watched the sky turn from purple to blue, then gradually become lighter and lighter.
Â
A crowd of several hundred monks filled the Meditation Hall. Every butter lamp was lit. Bells, horns, drums and cymbals broke into sound. Wearing a ceremonial robe and a necklace of crimson beads, Sangsang Tashi entered the hall, walked to the hard cushions in the middle of the room and sat down opposite Labrang Chantso. She folded her legs in the lotus position, placed her hands on her knees with palms upturned, and chanted the Mantra of the Five Bodhisattvas. Her mind was still agitated, her hands trembled. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. To relieve her tension she dug her feet into the backs of her knees. When the horns sounded again, she realised that she hadnât yet entered her meditation. Quickly she tried to whisper the Tara Mantra to summon her inner deity, but the words came out in the wrong order.
It was too late now. She opened her eyes and saw Labrang Chantso remove his robes and walk towards her. She looked up at him pleadingly then, shaking
with fear, let him push her down onto the hard cushions. Very soon, she felt a sharp pain between her legs and the suffocating weight of a body pressing down on her. She sensed that the woman who had woken inside her just a few hours ago was slowly being ripped to shreds.
Soon the pain subsided, and she became aware of the sweat on her back and neck. She let herself roll and shake as Labrang Chantso moved back and forth on top of her. She felt as though she were floating into a black hole. From time to time, an itching sensation spread through her thighs. Inside the black hole, however, she knew that she was alone, and this allowed her a moment of calm.
Then suddenly she remembered that she was performing the Union of the Two Bodies Ritual. She remembered that she must awaken her chakras if she and Labrang Chantso were to achieve a union of wisdom and compassion. But just as her psychic energy was about to reach her Wisdom Chakra, Labrang Chantso dragged her up onto her feet, hitched her right leg to his waist, and shook her so hard that her mind went blank.
She felt herself wither and wilt as Labrang Chantso clung to her like a magnet, sucking the energy from her bones. At last, she collapsed on the floor. She was helpless. She had no choice but to
let Labrang Chantso do with her as he wished. When he sat down again in the lotus position and tugged her towards him, she slumped onto his lap and, like the dakinis on the murals, hooked her legs around his back. The breasts that had grown on her chest
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