Read Online South of Sunshine by Dana Elmendorf - Free Book Online Page B

kisses in before the sheet was ripped off of us—Ms. Veda’s expression of horror scarred me for life.
    “Are we going to talk about this, or are you going to do your usual not talking about it?” Van asks once the store is empty again.
    I exhale a huge breath, like the fizz of a soda bottle that’s been shaken up. “How do you deal … with being, you know …”
    Van just sits there. He chews on his bottom lip as if he’s trying to figure out how to tell me the circus has denied my application for employment. “Do you remember that episode on SpongeBob SquarePants when SpongeBob gets really rancid breath from eating a ketchup-onion-and-peanut-plant sundae, and everybody in town avoids him, so Patrick thinks it’s because he’s ugly and teaches SpongeBob how to be proud of his ugliness?” Van asks in one long breath.
    I stare blankly. “I … don’t watch SpongeBob .”
    “Gawd, Kaycee.” Van hangs his head down and flops against the counter, exasperated.
    I jump to my feet and flail my hands wildly. “I don’t know what you’re saying. You think I’m ugly?”
    Van lifts his head. “SpongeBob says, ‘I’m ugly, and I’m proud.’”
    “What?”
    Van slaps the counter and straightens his spine. “You want to talk about it ?” he says through gritted teeth, making phantom quotes in the air. “You’re going to have to say the word, Kaycee. Say … ‘lesbian.’”
    “I did.” But I know he’s not talking about my Chelsea question.
    “How do you expect anyone to accept you if you can’t accept yourself? I know what you are. You know what you are. Not saying it doesn’t keep you from being one. So just admit what you are. Say, ‘I’m a lesbian.’”
    If looks could kill, I would turn Van into a bloody pulp, pooling on the floor. We have an unwritten rule for Christ’s sake! How dare he break the rule? I don’t ask him about the guys he sees when he disappears over to Midland City or Lawrence on a random Saturday night.
    Survival instincts tell me to walk out that door and leave. Just go.
    But it’s like imaginary glue has adhered my feet to the floor. I crash back down on the couch. “You don’t talk about your ‘friends’ in Lawrence.” I cross my arms over my chest and glare out the front window.
    “You don’t ask.” He simply shrugs, but his point stabs.
    Minutes of long, anguished silence pass. More customers come and go. Van checks a few DVDs into the computer, dusts the shelves, and opens up the mail. Not once does he look at me or acknowledge that I’m still sitting here.
    “Lesbian,” I mumble.
    “Huh? What was that?” Van cups his ear and strains his neck.
    “Lesbian.” It’s not much louder, but I know he hears me.
    “Say, ‘I’m ugly, and I’m proud.’”
    I can’t help but laugh. “I’m ugly, and I’m proud.” I shake my head at him.
    “Say, ‘I’m gay, and I’m proud.’” His eyes plead.
    It’s just five words. They won’t kill me. But they will make things different. Heck, I’m already different. I can’t make these feelings stop. Lord knows I let many a boy put his tongue in my mouth to make these feelings stop. I don’t want another boy’s tongue in my mouth for the rest of my life. Ew.
    I bury my face in my hands. “It’s just easier to keep doing what I’m doing.”
    Van sighs and comes over to sit beside me. “But wouldn’t you rather do what makes you happy and not everybody else?” Van rubs my back.
    “I don’t want people to hate me.”
    “People are going to hate you, gay or not. There’s no stopping it. Trust me, I know. But it also opens the door for people to love you. People like Bren.”
    My heart sticks in my throat. This constant battle to keep myself in check gets harder and harder. Always trying to rein in my urges—and puberty sure as hell isn’t helping with that. Tears well up in my eyes. I take in a breath and hold it.
    I look up at Van with my red-rimmed eyes. He wipes the moisture off my cheeks. “I’m