Read Online Something Right Behind Her by Claire Hollander - Free Book Online Page B

I just procrastinate .” My voice
sounded strangely shrill, like a bad recording played back. I hated the sound
of it, hated the bullshit I was saying.
    “Well, people do
avoid hard things, Andy, and isn’t seeing Eve a hard thing?” Randy said this
with a bit too much confidence for my liking. I looked at him mutely and
nodded. I wasn’t sure if what he said was smart or obvious. The word insipid
came to mind the way Mr. Doyle used it. “That is an insipid comment
masquerading as insight,” he’d once said to a jock, who was stupid enough to
quote the Cliff Notes he read for To Kill A Mockingbird because he
couldn’t get through the novel.
    Randy went on a
bit after that. He explained to me that people who are in crisis often feel out
of control and start behaving impulsively and acting out. He gave me these
strategies for dealing with my emotions. When I got upset, I was supposed to
try to think of something I could be thankful for. Then, after I paused to be thankful , if I still
felt like taking an action, I should ask myself if I was invested in the action.
It was pretty simple, really. For instance, if I had made myself stop and think
that time with Sharon, I could have told myself how thankful I was that I
wasn’t a skank bitch like her, and then I probably would not have felt invested in calling her
a skank bitch in front of the whole track team.
    I kept nodding
my head after that while Randy explained how first we’d try to help me gain
some more control over myself, and then maybe we’d get into some more real
talk-therapy so I could express the feelings I was keeping so bottled up. I
wondered about that. I wondered what we’d do when those feelings came out. I wondered
if he thought feelings could be gotten rid of that way, like birds set free
from a cage.

 
 
    Dad and I were
at the breakfast table after that first therapy session went down, and in his
typical Dad way, like nothing dramatic had been happening, he said, “So Andy, I
think it’s about time we have a little lunch together? Mom said you have a
half-day coming up? How about meeting me in town?”
    “Sure, Dad,” I
said, since this kind of development was a lot better than having everyone stay
mad at me, or act afraid of me, like I might blow up at any minute.
    “Great. You just
drive down to Mt. Karmel to park your car, or have Mom drive you to the train,
because Bedford has no daily parking, ok? We can go to that place you like,
with the pool room.”
    “Oh, yeah, where
is that again? I can walk there, right?” I didn’t want to admit that I had sort
of forgotten.
    “Of course, just
a few blocks north from Grand Central. You’ll be fine!” Dad was really playing
up the cheerful act. Clearly, he wanted things smoothed over as badly as I did.
    My Dad made us
reservations at the place we talked about - a real slick modern - looking place
with a pool right next to the tables. Not a pool like you’d swim in, more like
a fountain. Tourists throw pennies in it. We had a half- day for some sort of
teacher meeting on Tuesday and the deal was I would drive to the train station
and then meet him for a late lunch. I had wanted to see Eve that day, and I
even screwed up my courage to call, but it hadn’t worked out. She had another
doctor’s appointment. Mrs. O’Meara rushed me off the phone so fast I hadn’t
been able to schedule another date. I still had a bad feeling about the whole
deal, like even if Eve wasn’t avoiding me on purpose, maybe something had
happened. Maybe they got some sort of bad news. When I thought about how
distant I felt from Eve, I couldn’t sleep or focus on what I was doing, so I
tried my best to block it out. Weirdly, since my session with Randy, my
nightmares about Eve had mostly stopped. Maybe that was the point of therapy
after all, to put my subconscious on pause.

 
 
    On Tuesday, I
was actually in a pretty decent mood. It was a really blustery day, the first
day I’d needed to wear more than