properly?â
âWho?â
âAlicia. Can she come round for something to eat one night?â
âIf you want.â
âIâd like that. I wouldnât be so scared of her then.â
Scared of Alicia! I think I can see it now, although I wouldnât have been able to come out with it properly then. My mum was worried about things changing, her being left on her own, me becoming a part of someone elseâs life and someone elseâs family, me growing up and not being her little boy anymore, me becoming someone elseâ¦All of these things or some of them, I donât know. And we couldnât have known it then, but she was right to worry. I wish sheâd worried me, really. I wish sheâd taken me home that night and locked me in my bedroom and thrown away the key.
Â
So the next night, it was like neither of us had been able to breathe for two days, and so we took deep lungfuls of each other, and we said stupid things to each other, and generally acted like we were Romeo and Juliet and the whole world was against us. Iâm talking about me and Alicia, by the way, not me and my mum. We talked as if my mum had taken me away from London for a year, whereas what sheâd actually done was taken me to Pizza Express and the cinema for an evening.
You know that thing I was saying before? About how telling a story is more difficult than it looks, because you donât know what to put where? Well, thereâs a part of the story that belongs here, and itâs something that no one else knows, not even Alicia. The most important part of this storyâthe whole point of this storyâdoesnât happen for a little while. And when it happened in real life, I made out that I was shocked and amazed and upset. And I was definitely shocked and upset, but I couldnât in all honesty say I was amazed. It happened that night, I know it. I never said anything to Alicia, but it was my fault. Well, obviously it was my fault mostly, but sheâs got to take a tiny part of the blame. Weâd been messing about without putting anything on, because she said she wanted to feel me properly, andâ¦Oh, I canât talk about this stuff. Iâm blushing. But something happened. Half-happened. I mean, it definitely didnât happen properly, because I was still able to pull out and put a condom on and pretend as though everything was normal. But I knew that it wasnât quite normal, because when the thing thatâs supposed to happen finally happened, it didnât feel right, because it had already half-happened before. And thatâs the last time Iâm ever going, you know, down there.
âAre you OK?â said Alicia. She never normally asked, so something must have been different. Maybe it felt different for her, or maybe I acted different, or maybe I seemed quiet and distracted afterwards, I donât know. And I said I was fine, and we left it at that. I wonder if she ever worked out that it was that night. I donât know. We never mentioned it again.
Â
Whatâs incredible to me is that you can keep out of trouble pretty much every minute of your life apart from maybe five seconds, and that five seconds can get you into the worst trouble of all, just about. Itâs amazing, when you think about it. I donât smoke weed, donât cuss out teachers, I donât get into fights, I try to do my homework. But I took a risk, for a few seconds, and that turns out to be worse than any of the rest put together. I once read an interview with a skater, I forget who, and he said that the thing he couldnât ever believe about sport was how much concentration it took. You could be doing the best skating of your life, and the moment you started to realize that you were doing the best skating of your life, you were eating concrete. Skating well for nine minutes and fifty-five seconds wasnât good enough, because five seconds was plenty of time to
âWho?â
âAlicia. Can she come round for something to eat one night?â
âIf you want.â
âIâd like that. I wouldnât be so scared of her then.â
Scared of Alicia! I think I can see it now, although I wouldnât have been able to come out with it properly then. My mum was worried about things changing, her being left on her own, me becoming a part of someone elseâs life and someone elseâs family, me growing up and not being her little boy anymore, me becoming someone elseâ¦All of these things or some of them, I donât know. And we couldnât have known it then, but she was right to worry. I wish sheâd worried me, really. I wish sheâd taken me home that night and locked me in my bedroom and thrown away the key.
Â
So the next night, it was like neither of us had been able to breathe for two days, and so we took deep lungfuls of each other, and we said stupid things to each other, and generally acted like we were Romeo and Juliet and the whole world was against us. Iâm talking about me and Alicia, by the way, not me and my mum. We talked as if my mum had taken me away from London for a year, whereas what sheâd actually done was taken me to Pizza Express and the cinema for an evening.
You know that thing I was saying before? About how telling a story is more difficult than it looks, because you donât know what to put where? Well, thereâs a part of the story that belongs here, and itâs something that no one else knows, not even Alicia. The most important part of this storyâthe whole point of this storyâdoesnât happen for a little while. And when it happened in real life, I made out that I was shocked and amazed and upset. And I was definitely shocked and upset, but I couldnât in all honesty say I was amazed. It happened that night, I know it. I never said anything to Alicia, but it was my fault. Well, obviously it was my fault mostly, but sheâs got to take a tiny part of the blame. Weâd been messing about without putting anything on, because she said she wanted to feel me properly, andâ¦Oh, I canât talk about this stuff. Iâm blushing. But something happened. Half-happened. I mean, it definitely didnât happen properly, because I was still able to pull out and put a condom on and pretend as though everything was normal. But I knew that it wasnât quite normal, because when the thing thatâs supposed to happen finally happened, it didnât feel right, because it had already half-happened before. And thatâs the last time Iâm ever going, you know, down there.
âAre you OK?â said Alicia. She never normally asked, so something must have been different. Maybe it felt different for her, or maybe I acted different, or maybe I seemed quiet and distracted afterwards, I donât know. And I said I was fine, and we left it at that. I wonder if she ever worked out that it was that night. I donât know. We never mentioned it again.
Â
Whatâs incredible to me is that you can keep out of trouble pretty much every minute of your life apart from maybe five seconds, and that five seconds can get you into the worst trouble of all, just about. Itâs amazing, when you think about it. I donât smoke weed, donât cuss out teachers, I donât get into fights, I try to do my homework. But I took a risk, for a few seconds, and that turns out to be worse than any of the rest put together. I once read an interview with a skater, I forget who, and he said that the thing he couldnât ever believe about sport was how much concentration it took. You could be doing the best skating of your life, and the moment you started to realize that you were doing the best skating of your life, you were eating concrete. Skating well for nine minutes and fifty-five seconds wasnât good enough, because five seconds was plenty of time to
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