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Authors: Elizabeth M. Hurst
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her days.
I can see why she worries about such things. Her being orphaned and such, she has no parents to support her. But I had a mind that she could move into our home, with Pa and me. I know he will have a little money set aside for me, the way he goes on about marriage.
But no, she says she is adamant that she wants a husband and that our love cannot endure. A child’s play is what she called it, and it hurt me to the core. I was stunned, I was, sitting there and staring at her. She knows the way I think about men, that I could never be with a man. I thought she was the same way, too.
She says she loves me but she wants to have a life with means, and of course, that means a man. Truly, I am not that concerned with means, and we would be happy, I know we would, but she will have none of it. I know Pa would provide for all of us, if necessary. But if it’s not what she wants, then I cannot help her.
Truly, I do not know what I am to do.
Monday, 4 October
Pa has taken on a new apprentice today. His name is Tom. He looked at me in a certain way, though, which made me feel uneasy. I do hope he’s not got anything improper on his mind. I don’t want anything of that, not with him.
I wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with me. Lucy is still chattering on about James. I am sick to death of it. But, for me, I’ve never felt anything like she does for any of the boys. Pa often asks me if there is anyone I like, but in all sincerity, I cannot tell him that a single boy shines out from the rest.
Poor, dear Pa. He loves me so, I know. I do wish he’d leave me be.
Wednesday, 24 November
Pa has been off to the inn again this afternoon. I am unhappy that he is neglecting the forge. Young Tom has not been started long, and is perhaps not confident enough that he can take on so much just yet.
I do hope Father has not turned to drink. I smell nothing on his clothes or breath, only that stale tobacco used by some of the men who drink there. I wonder to myself why he should spend so much time there if he does not drink. What can there be to do?
Suzanne was not at home when I called upon her yesterday. I want to make up for what happened between us the other week. I feel sure I can persuade her to continue our affair, and that no man will ever make her so happy, not like I can. Surely she can see that.
Wednesday, 1 December
Words cannot express the loneliness I feel at this moment. I am utterly undone and I know of no way this situation can be resolved.
My beautiful, smiling Suzanne is to be married to none other than my own Pa. I have been betrayed by them both, and I am left with no soul in whom to confide my feelings.
There I was, preparing a supper for Pa and me, when he walked into the cottage with her on his arm. It seems he has had her in mind for some considerable time since. But of course how could he have known of us? Suzanne has asked me never to speak a word of our love, to swear on my life that we were always just friends.
But what sort of life shall I have now? My sweetheart, my Pa and I, all living under the same roof, but with them being married to one another? I cannot bear it, and I will not!
Whatever is to become of me?
I shall never love another. My heart belongs to one, and one alone. For sure, I shall die an old maid or I shall die from grief.
Saturday, 5 December
It is to be on Friday in two weeks’ time, this wedding.
I am trying so hard to keep my feelings hidden from Pa. I think him contented. He has asked me to press his Sunday shirt on Thursday evening, in good time for his big day.
I feel as though to do so would be to help him into this marriage and I fear I cannot do it.
Suzanne has spoken with me. She does not love him, I know it! She told me as much herself.
I hope Mama cannot look down upon us from heaven above and see what Pa is doing. I know he wants a companion, but he does not need my Suzanne for that. For sure, what else am I here
I can see why she worries about such things. Her being orphaned and such, she has no parents to support her. But I had a mind that she could move into our home, with Pa and me. I know he will have a little money set aside for me, the way he goes on about marriage.
But no, she says she is adamant that she wants a husband and that our love cannot endure. A child’s play is what she called it, and it hurt me to the core. I was stunned, I was, sitting there and staring at her. She knows the way I think about men, that I could never be with a man. I thought she was the same way, too.
She says she loves me but she wants to have a life with means, and of course, that means a man. Truly, I am not that concerned with means, and we would be happy, I know we would, but she will have none of it. I know Pa would provide for all of us, if necessary. But if it’s not what she wants, then I cannot help her.
Truly, I do not know what I am to do.
Monday, 4 October
Pa has taken on a new apprentice today. His name is Tom. He looked at me in a certain way, though, which made me feel uneasy. I do hope he’s not got anything improper on his mind. I don’t want anything of that, not with him.
I wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with me. Lucy is still chattering on about James. I am sick to death of it. But, for me, I’ve never felt anything like she does for any of the boys. Pa often asks me if there is anyone I like, but in all sincerity, I cannot tell him that a single boy shines out from the rest.
Poor, dear Pa. He loves me so, I know. I do wish he’d leave me be.
Wednesday, 24 November
Pa has been off to the inn again this afternoon. I am unhappy that he is neglecting the forge. Young Tom has not been started long, and is perhaps not confident enough that he can take on so much just yet.
I do hope Father has not turned to drink. I smell nothing on his clothes or breath, only that stale tobacco used by some of the men who drink there. I wonder to myself why he should spend so much time there if he does not drink. What can there be to do?
Suzanne was not at home when I called upon her yesterday. I want to make up for what happened between us the other week. I feel sure I can persuade her to continue our affair, and that no man will ever make her so happy, not like I can. Surely she can see that.
Wednesday, 1 December
Words cannot express the loneliness I feel at this moment. I am utterly undone and I know of no way this situation can be resolved.
My beautiful, smiling Suzanne is to be married to none other than my own Pa. I have been betrayed by them both, and I am left with no soul in whom to confide my feelings.
There I was, preparing a supper for Pa and me, when he walked into the cottage with her on his arm. It seems he has had her in mind for some considerable time since. But of course how could he have known of us? Suzanne has asked me never to speak a word of our love, to swear on my life that we were always just friends.
But what sort of life shall I have now? My sweetheart, my Pa and I, all living under the same roof, but with them being married to one another? I cannot bear it, and I will not!
Whatever is to become of me?
I shall never love another. My heart belongs to one, and one alone. For sure, I shall die an old maid or I shall die from grief.
Saturday, 5 December
It is to be on Friday in two weeks’ time, this wedding.
I am trying so hard to keep my feelings hidden from Pa. I think him contented. He has asked me to press his Sunday shirt on Thursday evening, in good time for his big day.
I feel as though to do so would be to help him into this marriage and I fear I cannot do it.
Suzanne has spoken with me. She does not love him, I know it! She told me as much herself.
I hope Mama cannot look down upon us from heaven above and see what Pa is doing. I know he wants a companion, but he does not need my Suzanne for that. For sure, what else am I here
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