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Authors: Zoe Marriott
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she pulled the cloth off her neck and rolled over. Her face, though sweaty and pale, still managed a smile. I fidgeted a little, eager to get away but anxious not to let her know it.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked hesitantly, thinking that if I had been sick as many times as she had in the past eight days, I would probably never smile again.
“Not really. It’s all right, though, Suzume. My mother told me once that the more illness the mother suffers, the better the baby will grow. She was terribly ill with me, and I was a big, healthy child. I barely knew that I was carrying you, and look how small and delicate you have always been.”
“It seems a heavy price to pay,” I said without thinking. “I’d rather have a small baby.”
Mother reached out to squeeze my wrist, and I wished I could call the words back. She was not angry, though. She made a little laughing noise and shook her head.
“You’ll change your mind soon. When you have a baby of your own, you will realize that a mother is willing to put up with anything for a healthy child. Anything at all. It is what we are made for, to carry children. A woman cannot really be happy doing anything else.”
I kept my face still with an effort. Was Mother’s glowing happiness at whipping Terayama-san’s household into shape and organizing this journey all part of her joy in having a baby, then? It had seemed to me that she reveled in it for its own sake. Couldn’t a woman be happy doing a great many things, just as a man could? I had been happy when I was with Aimi and my father. I had been happy playing the
shamisen
,
and singing. I had been happy when I was with Youta, shadow-weaving.
“Don’t worry,” Mother said, misinterpreting my expression. “We know you are not a little girl anymore, and in the city, there will be lots of young men who will be interested in you. Now that our situation is different, there will be nothing to stop you from making an advantageous marriage. In hardly any time at all, you will have babies of your own.”
I managed to pull my mask-smile into place before she saw my grimace. “Yes, Mother.”
I wished she had not said that.
I had always known what I would do with my life, of course. The same thing that my mother had done with hers, and her mother before her. What else could a woman do in this world?
Many things about my life had changed, but that had not. Had my father been alive, it would have been no different, except that the selection of possible husbands would have been rather more limited. The choice would never have been mine. That was a parent’s job: to pick an alliance that would be suitable for a girl and benefit her family. I was of age now, and the time was coming.
So why did Mother’s words make me feel like I was being pushed out into a dark, narrow tunnel, where there was no room to turn around or even stretch, and no light to see where I was going?
“You know I loved your father, don’t you?”
Her words jarred me from my reverie.
“Mother —?”
It was the first time she had even mentioned him since we had left the ruins of his house.
“You are old enough to hear of such things now, Suzume, and I might not have another chance before you leave us. Let me speak this once, and then we will not talk about it again. Agreed? You must not tell any of this to Shujin-sama.”
I shook my head fervently.
“Very well, then. You know that I came from a good family — though not a wealthy one — and I was beautiful, as beautiful as you are. I had many suitors. Terayama-san was one of them, and my aunt and uncle wished for me to marry him. But I only had eyes for Daisuke. He was not like the others. He did not try to impress me or brag to his friends about me. He wrote me poetry and talked to me. He seemed to truly see me, to love me. And I loved him in return. Eventually, after months of begging, I prevailed. We did marry, and we were so happy. At first. When I knew I was having you, I
“Are you feeling better?” I asked hesitantly, thinking that if I had been sick as many times as she had in the past eight days, I would probably never smile again.
“Not really. It’s all right, though, Suzume. My mother told me once that the more illness the mother suffers, the better the baby will grow. She was terribly ill with me, and I was a big, healthy child. I barely knew that I was carrying you, and look how small and delicate you have always been.”
“It seems a heavy price to pay,” I said without thinking. “I’d rather have a small baby.”
Mother reached out to squeeze my wrist, and I wished I could call the words back. She was not angry, though. She made a little laughing noise and shook her head.
“You’ll change your mind soon. When you have a baby of your own, you will realize that a mother is willing to put up with anything for a healthy child. Anything at all. It is what we are made for, to carry children. A woman cannot really be happy doing anything else.”
I kept my face still with an effort. Was Mother’s glowing happiness at whipping Terayama-san’s household into shape and organizing this journey all part of her joy in having a baby, then? It had seemed to me that she reveled in it for its own sake. Couldn’t a woman be happy doing a great many things, just as a man could? I had been happy when I was with Aimi and my father. I had been happy playing the
shamisen
,
and singing. I had been happy when I was with Youta, shadow-weaving.
“Don’t worry,” Mother said, misinterpreting my expression. “We know you are not a little girl anymore, and in the city, there will be lots of young men who will be interested in you. Now that our situation is different, there will be nothing to stop you from making an advantageous marriage. In hardly any time at all, you will have babies of your own.”
I managed to pull my mask-smile into place before she saw my grimace. “Yes, Mother.”
I wished she had not said that.
I had always known what I would do with my life, of course. The same thing that my mother had done with hers, and her mother before her. What else could a woman do in this world?
Many things about my life had changed, but that had not. Had my father been alive, it would have been no different, except that the selection of possible husbands would have been rather more limited. The choice would never have been mine. That was a parent’s job: to pick an alliance that would be suitable for a girl and benefit her family. I was of age now, and the time was coming.
So why did Mother’s words make me feel like I was being pushed out into a dark, narrow tunnel, where there was no room to turn around or even stretch, and no light to see where I was going?
“You know I loved your father, don’t you?”
Her words jarred me from my reverie.
“Mother —?”
It was the first time she had even mentioned him since we had left the ruins of his house.
“You are old enough to hear of such things now, Suzume, and I might not have another chance before you leave us. Let me speak this once, and then we will not talk about it again. Agreed? You must not tell any of this to Shujin-sama.”
I shook my head fervently.
“Very well, then. You know that I came from a good family — though not a wealthy one — and I was beautiful, as beautiful as you are. I had many suitors. Terayama-san was one of them, and my aunt and uncle wished for me to marry him. But I only had eyes for Daisuke. He was not like the others. He did not try to impress me or brag to his friends about me. He wrote me poetry and talked to me. He seemed to truly see me, to love me. And I loved him in return. Eventually, after months of begging, I prevailed. We did marry, and we were so happy. At first. When I knew I was having you, I
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