Read Online Self-Defense by Jonathan Kellerman - Free Book Online Page B

sullied for your best friend?”
    “It took courage to tell me,” I said.
    “Don’t worry about my having evil designs
on him or being some freak-case co-dependent. When I say I’m attracted to him,
I mean psychologically. His kindness, his solidity. I’m working up my
courage to let him know how I feel. Is that okay with you?”
    “You don’t need my permission, Lucy.”
Thinking of the complications that were sure to come.
    She stared at me.
    “You don’t approve, do you?”
Snapping her head down, she studied the floor. “Big mistake to tell you.”
    “Lucy, it’s not—”
    “I should have known,” she said softly.
“You’re entitled to your feelings. I tell you I was a whore, it’s only natural
you wouldn’t want me near your friend.”
    “It’s not that at all.”
    “Then what ? Why does your face
change when I talk about liking him?”
    “There’s nothing terrible about that, or
you. What goes on between you and Milo or anyone else isn’t any of my
business.”
    She studied me.
    “Forgive me, Dr. Delaware, but that just
doesn’t ring true. You’re a lovely man and I really appreciate all you’ve tried
to do for me, but there’s something going on here, some kind of resistance.
I’ve got a feel for things like that.” Another joyless laugh. “Maybe it comes
from screwing ten strangers a day. You get good at gauging people quickly.”
    She got up and walked across the room.
    “Lucy flunks therapy.... Seeing Milo’s
friend was a mistake—how can I expose myself to you and expect you to be
impartial? How can I expect you to take any sort of voyage with a
whore?”
    “You’re not a whore.”
    “No? How can you be sure? Have you had
other patients who were whores?”
    “Lucy—”
    “For seven years,” she said, between
clenched jaws, “I haven’t touched a guy. For seven years I’ve been
double-tithing my income to the poor, not eating meat, doing every good deed I
can find to cleanse myself. That’s why I wanted to be on that jury. To
accomplish some greater good. And now I finally find a man I like, and I’m
feeling dirty—judged by you just like I judged Shwandt. I should have
gotten out of it. Who am I to judge anyone ?”
    “Shwandt is a monster,” I said. “You got
caught up in something.”
    She turned her back on me. “He’s a monster
and I’m sleazy—we’re all defendants in one way or another, aren’t we? Is that
the only reason you don’t want me near Milo, or is he involved with someone
else?”
    “It’s not appropriate for me to discuss
his personal life.”
    “Why not? Is he your patient, too?”
    “We’re here to talk about you, Lucy.”
    “But I like him, so doesn’t
that make it relevant? If he wasn’t your friend, we’d be talking about him.”
    “And I wouldn’t know anything about his
personal life.”
    She stopped. Licked her lips. Smiled.
“Okay, he’s committed. Though I know he’s not married—I asked him if he was and
he said no.” She turned sharply and faced me. “Did he lie to me?”
    “No.”
    “So he’s going with someone—maybe living
with someone—is she beautiful? Like your wife? Do the four of you
double-date?”
    “Lucy,” I said, “stop tormenting
yourself.” Knowing my reticence was feeding her fantasies. Knowing I couldn’t
warn Milo—strangled by confidentiality.
    Turning her back on me, she pressed her
hands up against the glass doors, saw the fingerprints she’d made, and tried to
wipe them off with a corner of her sweater.
    “Sorry.”
    Nearly sobbing the word.
    “There’s nothing to be—”
    “I can’t believe I just said all those
things. How could I be so—”
    “Come on.” I guided her back to her chair.
She started to sit, then walked past it, snatching up her bag and racing for
the door.
    I reached her just as she opened it. A
marine breeze ruffled her hair. Her eyes were watering.
    “Please come back, Lucy.”
    She shook her head violently. “Let me go.
I just can’t take any