Read Online Screw the Universe by Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny
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out with her, by the way?”
“Pretty well, actually. My parents don’t seem to be thrilled with her, considering they’re Evangelical Christians and she keeps giving me blowjobs at family functions. And, like you mentioned earlier, she does… things… that are technically illegal in my home state.”
“You don’t say. In front of your parents, too. That girl just gives and gives doesn’t she.”
“Until it hurts… or loses feeling.”
“Nice! So, what about your old fogies?”
“My parents? Well, my father’s a retired civil engineer and my mother used to be a Space Vegas showgirl until she met my dad and converted. Then she became a home maker. Tough work, especially doing it by yourself. Walls don’t go up easy.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have a picture of them?” asked Captain Tyler.
“I might,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts, reaching for his wallet. “Wait. Why?”
“Just curious.”
“Okay...” said the first lieutenant, hesitantly opening his wallet to a picture of his parents and handing it over.
“Aw, they look like a lovely couple,” said the captain, standing the wallet on the table to his left.
“Thank you, sir. That means a lot coming from you. I know things tend to get crazy from time to time, what with the stupidity and the dying and all, but I do value your opinion.”
“I’m glad I can count on you, ‘Nerts. Seems like a lot of the crew here just sort of put up with me.”
“No!”
“I know, I know. I may be overreacting, but you can never be too sure with space pirates.”
“Sir, we’re not space pirates.”
“Right,” said the captain. “So, like sports?”
“A little. Never really got into them.”
“No?”
“Nah, tried in high school for a while, but, you know.”
“You throw like a girl?”
“No, I… Well, yeah actually,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.
“Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen,” said the computer, “but First Lieutenant Duknerts is needed on the bridge. Private Redshirt is nude and straddling the command console. We all figured you’d know how to remedy the situation.”
“Sounds like I’ve got to go, sir.”
“Sometimes, ‘Nerts, you just have to bang the ever loving shit out of your woman.”
“Well, I don’t think I’d put it –”
“In the butt? Oh, you have to! Really jam it in there.”
First Lieutenant Duknerts sighed slightly, stood up and walked out of the captain’s quarters.
“Atta boy! Plug that hole!” cried Captain Tyler, before noticing that Duknerts left his wallet on the table. The captain picked it up and started leafing through.
“Space bucks, credit cards, nude picture of Private Redshirt... nude picture of Private Redshirt... a picture of ‘Nerts’ sister... picture of his parents... nude picture of Redshirt... nude picture of his parents...” The captain paused. “Well, fuck me sideways. Think I need to get myself some of this.”
The captain turned back to his computer and pulled up the Zdravo’s enlistment records, looking for First Lieutenant Duknerts’s file.
“Hmm… ‘Mother: Mrs. Jennifer Wizardsleeve Duknerts.’”
Captain Tyler pulled out his satellite phone and dialed the number on the screen.
“Hello?” said the voice on the other end of the line.
“Is this Ms. Wizardsleeve?”
“Oh, I haven’t gone by that name for a long time. It’s Mrs. Duknerts now.”
“My apologies, ma’am. I was just wondering, what are you wearing?”
The call suddenly ended.
Captain Tyler hit redial.
“Hello,” said Mrs. Duknerts.
“Is it a thong?”
The call suddenly ended again.
Captain Tyler shrugged, programmed the number into his speed dial, and then went back to looking at porn.
Inspect the Toasters
Mission 58008 - 042
“And that’s why I see no better team for
“Pretty well, actually. My parents don’t seem to be thrilled with her, considering they’re Evangelical Christians and she keeps giving me blowjobs at family functions. And, like you mentioned earlier, she does… things… that are technically illegal in my home state.”
“You don’t say. In front of your parents, too. That girl just gives and gives doesn’t she.”
“Until it hurts… or loses feeling.”
“Nice! So, what about your old fogies?”
“My parents? Well, my father’s a retired civil engineer and my mother used to be a Space Vegas showgirl until she met my dad and converted. Then she became a home maker. Tough work, especially doing it by yourself. Walls don’t go up easy.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have a picture of them?” asked Captain Tyler.
“I might,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts, reaching for his wallet. “Wait. Why?”
“Just curious.”
“Okay...” said the first lieutenant, hesitantly opening his wallet to a picture of his parents and handing it over.
“Aw, they look like a lovely couple,” said the captain, standing the wallet on the table to his left.
“Thank you, sir. That means a lot coming from you. I know things tend to get crazy from time to time, what with the stupidity and the dying and all, but I do value your opinion.”
“I’m glad I can count on you, ‘Nerts. Seems like a lot of the crew here just sort of put up with me.”
“No!”
“I know, I know. I may be overreacting, but you can never be too sure with space pirates.”
“Sir, we’re not space pirates.”
“Right,” said the captain. “So, like sports?”
“A little. Never really got into them.”
“No?”
“Nah, tried in high school for a while, but, you know.”
“You throw like a girl?”
“No, I… Well, yeah actually,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.
“Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen,” said the computer, “but First Lieutenant Duknerts is needed on the bridge. Private Redshirt is nude and straddling the command console. We all figured you’d know how to remedy the situation.”
“Sounds like I’ve got to go, sir.”
“Sometimes, ‘Nerts, you just have to bang the ever loving shit out of your woman.”
“Well, I don’t think I’d put it –”
“In the butt? Oh, you have to! Really jam it in there.”
First Lieutenant Duknerts sighed slightly, stood up and walked out of the captain’s quarters.
“Atta boy! Plug that hole!” cried Captain Tyler, before noticing that Duknerts left his wallet on the table. The captain picked it up and started leafing through.
“Space bucks, credit cards, nude picture of Private Redshirt... nude picture of Private Redshirt... a picture of ‘Nerts’ sister... picture of his parents... nude picture of Redshirt... nude picture of his parents...” The captain paused. “Well, fuck me sideways. Think I need to get myself some of this.”
The captain turned back to his computer and pulled up the Zdravo’s enlistment records, looking for First Lieutenant Duknerts’s file.
“Hmm… ‘Mother: Mrs. Jennifer Wizardsleeve Duknerts.’”
Captain Tyler pulled out his satellite phone and dialed the number on the screen.
“Hello?” said the voice on the other end of the line.
“Is this Ms. Wizardsleeve?”
“Oh, I haven’t gone by that name for a long time. It’s Mrs. Duknerts now.”
“My apologies, ma’am. I was just wondering, what are you wearing?”
The call suddenly ended.
Captain Tyler hit redial.
“Hello,” said Mrs. Duknerts.
“Is it a thong?”
The call suddenly ended again.
Captain Tyler shrugged, programmed the number into his speed dial, and then went back to looking at porn.
Inspect the Toasters
Mission 58008 - 042
“And that’s why I see no better team for
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