Read Online Scary Dead Things - 02 by Rick Gualtieri - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Rick Gualtieri
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you. We're heading into a tunnel. I'll call...” and then I disconnected the call as I had no idea what further to say.
Ed and I drove on for a mile or so, and then he said, “I know I only caught part of that conversation...”
“I don't want to talk about it,” I interrupted.
He ignored me anyway, “But was that about what I think it was?”
I sighed as I started to confess, “My mom's cat, Angel...”
“Yes?”
“I kinda, might have...”
“Yes?”
“Turned her into a vampire,” I finished.
“YOU WHAT!?” he yelled, just barely managing to keep the car from swerving off the road.
“Turned it into a vampire,” I repeated.
“Why?”
“It was an accident.”
“How was it an accident?”
“Well, as you had suggested, I got pretty wrecked this weekend,” I said with a guilty grin.
“And how does that lead to an immortal demon cat?”
“Well, like I said, I was pretty messed up. I guess when vampires get the munchies they don't automatically go for the nachos like everyone else.”
“That's fucked up, man.”
“I know.”
“It's your mom's cat!”
“ Was my mom’s cat, anyway.”
“I mean, I don't even like cats,” he went on, “and I still think that's fucked.”
“Yes, I get it. I didn't mean to vampirize the damn cat. It just kind of happened.”
“Is that even a word?” he asked.
“It is now ,” I snapped. “And then when she woke up from it...”
“I'm listening.”
“I guess I kind of fooled myself into thinking that maybe I had dreamt it all.”
“I take it from your dad's call that you were wrong on that front.”
“Definitely not a dream,” I confirmed.
“Fucked up,” he repeated.
We drove on again in silence for a few minutes until I heard Ed chortle. I turned to see him grinning and trying...and failing...to suppress laughter.
“What's so funny?” I asked.
“I was just thinking...”
“Yeah?”
“There is a bright side,” he said.
“Do tell.”
“When we get home, you at least get to tell Tom about how you got to eat some pussy this weekend,” he said, finally cracking up laughing.
“Not funny,” I said, but it was a lie. Put that way, it was actually pretty goddamned hilarious. I soon joined my roommate in the laughter.
We laughed for a good long while until my phone rang again.
“Oh shit,” I said, tears still pouring down my face.
“Time to get back on the clock, my man,” Ed said.
He was right. I couldn't put this off. I just hoped I could think of something to tell my parents that sounded more convincing than, “Sorry for vampirizing your cat, mom and dad.” I picked up the phone and answered it.
“Listen. Tell mom I'm sorry about her cat,” I said.
“Tell her your damn self,” replied Sally's voice from the other end. “I'm not your goddamned answering service.”
“What?” I blurted out. “What are you doing on the line, Sally?”
“Oh, I don't know. I was lonely, what with you on vacation and all, and thought maybe I'd give you a buzz so you could talk dirty to me. But I'm afraid I have to draw the line at letting you call me mommy...or daddy, for that matter,” she quipped.
“I can think of a few other words for you,” I growled.
“I'm sure you can, but think of them while you're packing. Vacation's over,” she replied.
“What?”
“You heard me,” she sniffed in an impatient tone.
“Why am I packing?”
“Because that's what people do when they take a trip, unless they plan on traveling naked, and if that's your plan then please let me know so I can make sure I never have the same itinerary as you.”
“Hold on. What trip?”
“The one you're taking,” she said as if speaking to a moron.
“Why don't we start over, and you tell me what's going on?”
“I
Ed and I drove on for a mile or so, and then he said, “I know I only caught part of that conversation...”
“I don't want to talk about it,” I interrupted.
He ignored me anyway, “But was that about what I think it was?”
I sighed as I started to confess, “My mom's cat, Angel...”
“Yes?”
“I kinda, might have...”
“Yes?”
“Turned her into a vampire,” I finished.
“YOU WHAT!?” he yelled, just barely managing to keep the car from swerving off the road.
“Turned it into a vampire,” I repeated.
“Why?”
“It was an accident.”
“How was it an accident?”
“Well, as you had suggested, I got pretty wrecked this weekend,” I said with a guilty grin.
“And how does that lead to an immortal demon cat?”
“Well, like I said, I was pretty messed up. I guess when vampires get the munchies they don't automatically go for the nachos like everyone else.”
“That's fucked up, man.”
“I know.”
“It's your mom's cat!”
“ Was my mom’s cat, anyway.”
“I mean, I don't even like cats,” he went on, “and I still think that's fucked.”
“Yes, I get it. I didn't mean to vampirize the damn cat. It just kind of happened.”
“Is that even a word?” he asked.
“It is now ,” I snapped. “And then when she woke up from it...”
“I'm listening.”
“I guess I kind of fooled myself into thinking that maybe I had dreamt it all.”
“I take it from your dad's call that you were wrong on that front.”
“Definitely not a dream,” I confirmed.
“Fucked up,” he repeated.
We drove on again in silence for a few minutes until I heard Ed chortle. I turned to see him grinning and trying...and failing...to suppress laughter.
“What's so funny?” I asked.
“I was just thinking...”
“Yeah?”
“There is a bright side,” he said.
“Do tell.”
“When we get home, you at least get to tell Tom about how you got to eat some pussy this weekend,” he said, finally cracking up laughing.
“Not funny,” I said, but it was a lie. Put that way, it was actually pretty goddamned hilarious. I soon joined my roommate in the laughter.
We laughed for a good long while until my phone rang again.
“Oh shit,” I said, tears still pouring down my face.
“Time to get back on the clock, my man,” Ed said.
He was right. I couldn't put this off. I just hoped I could think of something to tell my parents that sounded more convincing than, “Sorry for vampirizing your cat, mom and dad.” I picked up the phone and answered it.
“Listen. Tell mom I'm sorry about her cat,” I said.
“Tell her your damn self,” replied Sally's voice from the other end. “I'm not your goddamned answering service.”
“What?” I blurted out. “What are you doing on the line, Sally?”
“Oh, I don't know. I was lonely, what with you on vacation and all, and thought maybe I'd give you a buzz so you could talk dirty to me. But I'm afraid I have to draw the line at letting you call me mommy...or daddy, for that matter,” she quipped.
“I can think of a few other words for you,” I growled.
“I'm sure you can, but think of them while you're packing. Vacation's over,” she replied.
“What?”
“You heard me,” she sniffed in an impatient tone.
“Why am I packing?”
“Because that's what people do when they take a trip, unless they plan on traveling naked, and if that's your plan then please let me know so I can make sure I never have the same itinerary as you.”
“Hold on. What trip?”
“The one you're taking,” she said as if speaking to a moron.
“Why don't we start over, and you tell me what's going on?”
“I
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