have. We all thought about boys at that age so I probably didnât understand how you suffered, I must have thought it was just a little odd. And you were so beautiful, you were always the one the boys were interested in and I was probably jealous of you because of that. But you prayed to God that He would crush you and teach you to obey and â¦
Maj-Britt dropped the letter to the floor. From the depths of everything she had forgotten, the nausea came rushing in like a berserker. She wrenched herself up out of the easy chair but made it no further than the hall before she threw up.
7
Y ouâre a doctor. You can handle this. Tell them anything!
Twenty-three expectant faces were turned to her. Monikaâs mind was a blank. Only one memory erupted like a boil from the nothingness and made all invented fantasies impossible. The seconds passed. Someone smiled encouragingly and someone else sensed her torment and chose to look away.
âIf you like we can skip to the next person now and you can speak later. If you would rather think about it for a while, that is â¦â
The woman gave her a friendly smile, but being pitied was more than Monika could stand. Twenty-three people were thinking at that moment that she was weak. If there was anything she had devoted her life to, it was to being regarded as the exact opposite of that. And she had succeeded. She heard it often. How colleagues on the job said that she was so capable. Now she was sitting with twenty-three unknown people and had just been granted special treatment because of her weakness. Everyone in the room viewed her as an ordinary, second-rate person, incapable of carrying out the task that Mattias had executed in such a brilliant manner. The need to reclaim her position was so strong that it succeeded in conquering her indecision.
âI only hesitated because the memory I thought of also dealt with an accident.â
Her voice was steady and deliberately a bit indulgent. Everyoneâs gaze turned back to her. Even those who had turned away in discreet sympathy.
The woman who was subjecting her to this had the bad taste to smile.
âIt doesnât matter. The point was for all of you to free-associate, and often itâs the strongest experiences that come up first. Please, tell us whatever you like.â
Monika swallowed. Now there was no turning back. All that remained were tiny corrections to the truth if she couldnât bear it.
âI was fifteen years old and my big brother Lasse was two years older. He was invited to a party at his girlfriend Liselottâs house while her parents were away, and since I had a small crush on one of his friends who was going too, I managed to convince him to let me come along.â
She was aware of her own heartbeat and wondered if anyone else could hear it.
âLiselott lived some distance away, so we decided to sleep over. Our mother probably wasnât entirely aware of what went on at parties like this, that we drank a lot, I mean. And even if she suspected it, she wouldnât have thought that my brother and I would be involved. She had quite a high opinion of us.â
There was no danger yet. So far it was possible to meander cautiously alongside the truth.
Because so far, it was possible to live with it.
âSome of the kids took a sauna that night. Quite a lot of drinking was going on, and afterwards no one shut off the sauna heater.â
She paused. She remembered it so well. She evenremembered Liselottâs voice although it was so long ago now and she never heard it after that night. Monika, could you go down and turn off the sauna? And she had said yes, but all that beer was whirling round in her head and the boy she had had a secret crush on for so long was finally showing some interest and sheâd promised to wait there on the stairs while he was in the bathroom.
âThen all of us who were staying over decided to go to sleep. There were three others
Maj-Britt dropped the letter to the floor. From the depths of everything she had forgotten, the nausea came rushing in like a berserker. She wrenched herself up out of the easy chair but made it no further than the hall before she threw up.
7
Y ouâre a doctor. You can handle this. Tell them anything!
Twenty-three expectant faces were turned to her. Monikaâs mind was a blank. Only one memory erupted like a boil from the nothingness and made all invented fantasies impossible. The seconds passed. Someone smiled encouragingly and someone else sensed her torment and chose to look away.
âIf you like we can skip to the next person now and you can speak later. If you would rather think about it for a while, that is â¦â
The woman gave her a friendly smile, but being pitied was more than Monika could stand. Twenty-three people were thinking at that moment that she was weak. If there was anything she had devoted her life to, it was to being regarded as the exact opposite of that. And she had succeeded. She heard it often. How colleagues on the job said that she was so capable. Now she was sitting with twenty-three unknown people and had just been granted special treatment because of her weakness. Everyone in the room viewed her as an ordinary, second-rate person, incapable of carrying out the task that Mattias had executed in such a brilliant manner. The need to reclaim her position was so strong that it succeeded in conquering her indecision.
âI only hesitated because the memory I thought of also dealt with an accident.â
Her voice was steady and deliberately a bit indulgent. Everyoneâs gaze turned back to her. Even those who had turned away in discreet sympathy.
The woman who was subjecting her to this had the bad taste to smile.
âIt doesnât matter. The point was for all of you to free-associate, and often itâs the strongest experiences that come up first. Please, tell us whatever you like.â
Monika swallowed. Now there was no turning back. All that remained were tiny corrections to the truth if she couldnât bear it.
âI was fifteen years old and my big brother Lasse was two years older. He was invited to a party at his girlfriend Liselottâs house while her parents were away, and since I had a small crush on one of his friends who was going too, I managed to convince him to let me come along.â
She was aware of her own heartbeat and wondered if anyone else could hear it.
âLiselott lived some distance away, so we decided to sleep over. Our mother probably wasnât entirely aware of what went on at parties like this, that we drank a lot, I mean. And even if she suspected it, she wouldnât have thought that my brother and I would be involved. She had quite a high opinion of us.â
There was no danger yet. So far it was possible to meander cautiously alongside the truth.
Because so far, it was possible to live with it.
âSome of the kids took a sauna that night. Quite a lot of drinking was going on, and afterwards no one shut off the sauna heater.â
She paused. She remembered it so well. She evenremembered Liselottâs voice although it was so long ago now and she never heard it after that night. Monika, could you go down and turn off the sauna? And she had said yes, but all that beer was whirling round in her head and the boy she had had a secret crush on for so long was finally showing some interest and sheâd promised to wait there on the stairs while he was in the bathroom.
âThen all of us who were staying over decided to go to sleep. There were three others
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