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Authors: Hazel Kelly
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how I was ever going to get
that either.
But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that those two things
were only out of reach because I wasn't fucking reaching for them.
Was there something wrong with me? Did other people go around
ignoring what they wanted most?
What kind of success did that really make me? After all the effort
I put into becoming a man, I was still afraid to go after what I wanted.
What was I so afraid of?
That I’d pursue my goals and get rejected on both counts?
I didn't see how that would make much difference to my life.
Take Jenny, for example. We couldn't be friends. I was too
attracted to her, too interested in her, too aware of how her body moved in
space.
And we couldn't be proper siblings. We weren't related. Apart
from the obligation I felt to look out for her, I didn't have a single other familial
feeling about her.
So the question was, could we be more than friends? Do more than
kiss?
Was that completely ridiculous?
Frankly, part of me hoped my gag reflex would kick in when I
went to kiss her and make it impossible to go through with it.
But that hadn't happened. On the contrary, I had to restrain
myself from the urge I felt to pull her hips against me and let her feel the effect
her taste had on my body.
What if I'd taken it further?
Would she have stopped me?
Of course, there was a question I needed to ask before I even
considered those.
And that question was, how wrong was it to want more with her?
I knew my dad wouldn't be impressed, but I hadn't impressed my
dad since I graduated second in my class, and I didn't do that to impress him.
I did that to prove to myself that I wasn't the piece of shit he thought I was.
And what could he even do if he found out I'd laid my hands on
her?
Beat the shit out of me?
Maybe ten years ago, but he didn't even have all his original
parts anymore. The chances of him raising a hand to me were slim. And it
wouldn't matter anyway because no one was more interested in protecting Jen
than I was.
Hell, I'd been protecting her my whole life.
The only problem was that no one else knew it, including her.
What’s more, I didn't know if she wanted me like that, if she
felt anything during that kiss. And while I was happy for other women to
consider me a mistake, I didn't want her to look at me that way.
I liked how she looked at me now- with a mixture of curiosity
and feigned disapproval, disapproval that I noticed she forgot to feign when I
walked around my apartment shirtless.
Plus, I’d always wanted to believe that my coming into her life
was no accident, but after all this time, I still didn't know what to make of
her. Of us.
And something told me that if I didn't figure it out while she
was here, I might never know, might never even see her again.
And that thought made my heart ache because I'd missed her more
than I realized.
After all, she was my yellow daisies.
Chapter 15: Jenny
I woke up Thursday morning in a pair of thick socks that didn't
belong to me.
Yesterday, it was an extra blanket.
Either I looked really cold when I slept, or Ethan felt guilty about
something. Perhaps it was the fact that he'd been curt with me ever since the
kiss.
I figured there was something else on his mind, though, because
I don't see how I could've offended him during our read through. After all, I
kissed him back and didn’t initiate anything more. I merely followed his lead.
And I would've done it again in a heartbeat.
But he didn't offer to help me practice again.
I don't know if he thought once was enough or if he felt weird
about kissing me, but I was starting to think it was time to clear the air
between us.
I pulled the thick socks off my feet, feeling relieved that I'd
painted my toes a bright tangerine color before my trip out here. At least I
could rest assured that my feet hadn't offended him- though I had no idea how
he put them on without waking me…
Especially considering my audition was today, and I'd
that either.
But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that those two things
were only out of reach because I wasn't fucking reaching for them.
Was there something wrong with me? Did other people go around
ignoring what they wanted most?
What kind of success did that really make me? After all the effort
I put into becoming a man, I was still afraid to go after what I wanted.
What was I so afraid of?
That I’d pursue my goals and get rejected on both counts?
I didn't see how that would make much difference to my life.
Take Jenny, for example. We couldn't be friends. I was too
attracted to her, too interested in her, too aware of how her body moved in
space.
And we couldn't be proper siblings. We weren't related. Apart
from the obligation I felt to look out for her, I didn't have a single other familial
feeling about her.
So the question was, could we be more than friends? Do more than
kiss?
Was that completely ridiculous?
Frankly, part of me hoped my gag reflex would kick in when I
went to kiss her and make it impossible to go through with it.
But that hadn't happened. On the contrary, I had to restrain
myself from the urge I felt to pull her hips against me and let her feel the effect
her taste had on my body.
What if I'd taken it further?
Would she have stopped me?
Of course, there was a question I needed to ask before I even
considered those.
And that question was, how wrong was it to want more with her?
I knew my dad wouldn't be impressed, but I hadn't impressed my
dad since I graduated second in my class, and I didn't do that to impress him.
I did that to prove to myself that I wasn't the piece of shit he thought I was.
And what could he even do if he found out I'd laid my hands on
her?
Beat the shit out of me?
Maybe ten years ago, but he didn't even have all his original
parts anymore. The chances of him raising a hand to me were slim. And it
wouldn't matter anyway because no one was more interested in protecting Jen
than I was.
Hell, I'd been protecting her my whole life.
The only problem was that no one else knew it, including her.
What’s more, I didn't know if she wanted me like that, if she
felt anything during that kiss. And while I was happy for other women to
consider me a mistake, I didn't want her to look at me that way.
I liked how she looked at me now- with a mixture of curiosity
and feigned disapproval, disapproval that I noticed she forgot to feign when I
walked around my apartment shirtless.
Plus, I’d always wanted to believe that my coming into her life
was no accident, but after all this time, I still didn't know what to make of
her. Of us.
And something told me that if I didn't figure it out while she
was here, I might never know, might never even see her again.
And that thought made my heart ache because I'd missed her more
than I realized.
After all, she was my yellow daisies.
Chapter 15: Jenny
I woke up Thursday morning in a pair of thick socks that didn't
belong to me.
Yesterday, it was an extra blanket.
Either I looked really cold when I slept, or Ethan felt guilty about
something. Perhaps it was the fact that he'd been curt with me ever since the
kiss.
I figured there was something else on his mind, though, because
I don't see how I could've offended him during our read through. After all, I
kissed him back and didn’t initiate anything more. I merely followed his lead.
And I would've done it again in a heartbeat.
But he didn't offer to help me practice again.
I don't know if he thought once was enough or if he felt weird
about kissing me, but I was starting to think it was time to clear the air
between us.
I pulled the thick socks off my feet, feeling relieved that I'd
painted my toes a bright tangerine color before my trip out here. At least I
could rest assured that my feet hadn't offended him- though I had no idea how
he put them on without waking me…
Especially considering my audition was today, and I'd
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