middle of the shoes.
“You’re right, Paprika. That is unreal. Y’all aren’t related, are you?” Martha Maye asked, joining them.
“No. Not even close,” Penny huffed. She pulled on her husband’s hand and led him quickly away.
Caledonia turned to her friend. “Spice Girl, how could you? You know how much I despise being compared to Bad Penny.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Paprika slapped her palms against her cheeks. “It’s just with all y’all standing there, and then Penny’s husband, Oren, being nearly identically dressed like Phil, it just came out. I really am sorry.”
“Okay.” Caledonia nodded. “I just don’t see why people think we look alike.”
“I guess it’s more your build and coloring. If it makes you feel any better, you’re way, way prettier than Penny.”
“And don’t forget younger.” Caledonia gave a curt smile.
Hank soon found Trixie and stuck to her like flypaper, not letting her out of his sight for the rest of the night despite her protestations. “I really should get going now,” she kept telling him. He just smiled and introduced her to somebody else.
By nine o’clock, the crowd had cleared out—along with most of the food—and only Tess’s closest friends were left in the store. And Wynona.
Louetta took Tess by the elbow and sat her down in the comfy chair by the fireplace—the one that was used for author readings. Tess looked to Jack to see if he knew what was going on, but he just shrugged, giving her a fortifying grin. Everyone stopped talking and gathered around when Louetta clapped her hands together.
“Tessie didn’t know what she was getting herself into when she moved south. Lord knows, not all Southerners talk like we do, and us natives don’t think much about it, but I know Tess had some culture shock when she came here. Now that she’s been in town for a year, I think she’s probably pretty proficient in Southern speak, in particular Goose Pimple speak , ‘cause like I said, we are not your normal Southerners. Lawzee, somebody ought to write a book about us.” She inclined her head toward Jack and said, “Jackson, we’ll talk later.” Everyone laughed. “But I digress. Now, Tess has to pass the test before I can give her the PPP Award.”
“The PPP Award?” Martha Maye looked confused. “What’s that?”
“I just told you. The Probably Pretty Proficient Award.” Louetta waved off the groans and continued. “Okay, Tessie, here’s your first question. Ready?”
Tess nodded reluctantly. “As I’ll ever be.”
“All righty. I want you to translate: ‘Let’s skwinta the diner.’“
“Easy. Let’s go into the diner.”
“Yeah, let’s!” Slick called out from the back.
Louetta shot him a look. “How about this one, Tess: what would you do with bob war?”
“That’s simple. I’d make a barbwire fence.” Tess heard someone say, “Atta girl,” and applause broke out.
Louetta waved her hands in the air to quiet everyone down. “All right, y’all. Define this, Tess: ‘sump’n teet.’“
“Something to eat.”
“Suppose I said Pickle was the sinner of the basketball team. Am I implying he needs to go to church more often?”
“No, ma’am. You’re saying he’s the center on the team.”
“Lightning round.” Lou shuffled through some cards. “Translate sumose.”
“Some of those.”
“Utcha doon.”
“Whatcha doing?”
“What do you do with a flosswater?”
“Swat flies, of course.”
“Wongo.”
“Do you want to go.”
“Yonto.”
“Do you want to.”
“Impa tickler.”
“In particular.”
Jack cheered. “Woohoo, Tess!” Everyone broke out in cheers and applause, and Jack jumped up to give Tess a kiss.
Lou pulled out a handmade award from behind the counter. She had attached a small Ball canning jar to the rim of a glass candlestick and a label on the jar said, “PROBABLY PRETTY PROFICIENT.” She handed the “award” to Tess. “I hereby declare that you are
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