man after the execution, although he was on everyone’s mind. Little Green stopped washing. Months passed. Still she had not washed. There were complaints about her smell. When I carried back two containers of hot water and asked if she would allow me to wash her underwear for her, she took a pair of scissors and cut them into strips. She chopped off her long braids and stopped combing her hair. Mucus dripped from her lips. At night she sang songs off-key. Then it got worse. She would not quit singing after midnight. She sang old operas. One after another. She played with the curtains of the nets in the rooms. Mosquitoes got into the nets. The roommates became furious. They tied Little Green up on her bed. But she laughed and then sang louder. The roommates spit on her face and told her to shut up. But she went on until daybreak. When we woke up, all the shoes were gone. Little Green took them. She threw the shoes into the pond behind the company’s storage. Little Green was going mad, but no one wanted toface the thought. I could not describe my feelings. I had destroyed her. We murdered her. We were mad. We strangled her into madness.
The roommates reported her behavior. Yan refused to believe Little Green was insane. She shut us all up. She asked Orchid, Lu and me to go with her, to send Little Green to the farm’s hospital.
We escorted Little Green on a tractor. Four of us holding her as if carrying an animal to a slaughterer’s shop. Yan had her jacket on Little Green. She protected her from the strong wind and covered her as if she were a newborn.
The doctors performed many tests on Little Green but could not figure out what was wrong with her. They told Yan that nothing more could be done and asked her to take Little Green back. Yan roared. She threatened that she would accuse them all of being reactionaries if they did not come up with an acceptable diagnosis. The doctors pleaded with her. Finally, they referred Little Green to a Shanghai hospital where she was diagnosed as having had a nervous breakdown.
When Little Green returned from the hospital months later, I did not recognize her. The drugs that had been prescribed for her had made her gain weight. She was as fat as a bear.
She was again given a bed in my room, where she sat quietly most of the day staring in one direction. Her pupils sometimes moved upward into her skull as if to read her own brain. Her hair was matted. I thought of theevenings when she would wash her hair after dinner and comb and dry it as the sun set. I remembered the song she sang well, “My Motherland.”
There are girls like beautiful flowers,
Boys with strong bodies and open minds.
To build our new China,
We are happily working and sweating together …
I spent the night of my eighteenth birthday under the mosquito net. A nameless anxiety had invaded me. It felt like a sweating summer afternoon. Irritatingly hot. The air felt creamy. It was the ripeness of the body. It began to spoil. The body screamed inside trying to break the bondage. I was restless.
The reeds were sprouting underneath my bed. I had to cut them because they pricked through my bamboo mat and scratched my cheek the night before. I had to stop them or they would hurt me. They had hurt me before. And I had weeded them by the roots. But the reeds were indestructible. They were excessive, saltproof. When I thought they were gone, they were back. They grew from nowhere. It must be the salt. The salt empowered the reeds, I thought. They worked hand in glove. They were the true Red Fire Farmers.
I got down from the bed and squatted. I pulled the reeds out and broke each of them in two. I got back to mynet, sealed the curtain, clapped to death three mosquitoes. I pinched them down and looked at the bloody spots on the net. The restlessness overtook me like the growing back of the reeds, from nowhere. It was the body. That must be it. Its youth, the salt. The body and the restlessness worked hand in glove. They
The roommates reported her behavior. Yan refused to believe Little Green was insane. She shut us all up. She asked Orchid, Lu and me to go with her, to send Little Green to the farm’s hospital.
We escorted Little Green on a tractor. Four of us holding her as if carrying an animal to a slaughterer’s shop. Yan had her jacket on Little Green. She protected her from the strong wind and covered her as if she were a newborn.
The doctors performed many tests on Little Green but could not figure out what was wrong with her. They told Yan that nothing more could be done and asked her to take Little Green back. Yan roared. She threatened that she would accuse them all of being reactionaries if they did not come up with an acceptable diagnosis. The doctors pleaded with her. Finally, they referred Little Green to a Shanghai hospital where she was diagnosed as having had a nervous breakdown.
When Little Green returned from the hospital months later, I did not recognize her. The drugs that had been prescribed for her had made her gain weight. She was as fat as a bear.
She was again given a bed in my room, where she sat quietly most of the day staring in one direction. Her pupils sometimes moved upward into her skull as if to read her own brain. Her hair was matted. I thought of theevenings when she would wash her hair after dinner and comb and dry it as the sun set. I remembered the song she sang well, “My Motherland.”
There are girls like beautiful flowers,
Boys with strong bodies and open minds.
To build our new China,
We are happily working and sweating together …
I spent the night of my eighteenth birthday under the mosquito net. A nameless anxiety had invaded me. It felt like a sweating summer afternoon. Irritatingly hot. The air felt creamy. It was the ripeness of the body. It began to spoil. The body screamed inside trying to break the bondage. I was restless.
The reeds were sprouting underneath my bed. I had to cut them because they pricked through my bamboo mat and scratched my cheek the night before. I had to stop them or they would hurt me. They had hurt me before. And I had weeded them by the roots. But the reeds were indestructible. They were excessive, saltproof. When I thought they were gone, they were back. They grew from nowhere. It must be the salt. The salt empowered the reeds, I thought. They worked hand in glove. They were the true Red Fire Farmers.
I got down from the bed and squatted. I pulled the reeds out and broke each of them in two. I got back to mynet, sealed the curtain, clapped to death three mosquitoes. I pinched them down and looked at the bloody spots on the net. The restlessness overtook me like the growing back of the reeds, from nowhere. It was the body. That must be it. Its youth, the salt. The body and the restlessness worked hand in glove. They
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