Read Online Real Lace by Stephen; Birmingham - Free Book Online Page B

forever lecturing his brothers, sisters, and their respective wives, husbands, and children on what he considered their religious laxity. The children, who resented this, oftengathered on the Southampton streets at night and conducted parodies of the Mass.
    The Thomas E., Jr.’s took themselves very seriously and seemed to consider themselves the grandest of the clan. And so the other Murrays enjoyed circulating the frivolous rumor that Uncle Tom had met his wife, who had been a Miss Brady, while she had been doing his laundry. Uncle Jack and Uncle Joe Murray were more outgoing and fun-loving than their more strait-laced brother Tom. Uncle Joe had a particularly jolly nature, and Uncle Jack liked to slip out of church on Sunday morning before the sermon started and head for the golf course. At the same time, some Murrays looked down their noses at Uncle Jack’s wife, who had been a model, and who had also been an orphan, and of unknown parentage.
    Certain Murrays, in the meantime, tended to look down on the McDonnells as parvenus and upstarts, and it was assumed in the family that the two McDonnell brothers who had married the two Murray sisters had done so only for the Murray money. And once a young Murray child watched, in tears, while two of his older McDonnell cousins entered the house and proceeded to beat up his mother. Comforting the child afterward, his mother said, “Those McDonnells are nothing but stupid Micks—don’t worry about it.”
    In fact, life was far from harmonious at Southampton. Each of the families had many automobiles, and letting the air out of the tires of cars belonging to their relatives was a popular sport among the children. The McDonnells alone had three sport coupés, five station wagons, three limousines, plus numerous Fords and Chevrolets for the children. One of the McDonnell cars was an exotic Lancia, which, to the nephews’ and nieces’ great delight, would never work properly, and the children enjoyed chanting over and over “Sell the Lancia” to the tune of “Valencia,” whenever a McDonnell appeared within earshot. Once, for amusement, theThomas E. Murray children vandalized the John F. Murrays’ boathouse, and Mrs. Murray, who had witnessed the act, complained about it to her brother-in-law. “Nonsense,” said Uncle Tom, “they couldn’t have done that. They both received Communion this morning.”
    The Cuddihys—Mr. Cuddihy was in publishing—were considered “snooty” and “intellectual,” and were accused of putting on airs about it. A narrow strip of grass separated Uncle Joe’s driveway from the Cuddihys’ garage in Water Mill, and the Cuddihy children, in their various cars, took to driving casually back and forth over the grass between two trees. One day they discovered that Uncle Joe had placed a length of sturdy wire between the trees, and so they merely detoured between the next two. Presently, Uncle Joe’s wire was extended, and then extended again, until the entire strip of grass was barricaded to traffic. Looking at the wire, Mr. Cuddihy said, “I’ll tell you what let’s do. Let’s get all the oldest rags and underwear we can find and hang it up on Joe’s clothesline.” This was done, and the garments remained there—with no comment from next door—for several weeks. Finally, when the Joe Murrays were expecting some important guests for dinner, Mrs. Murray called her sister-in-law and said, “Please take your laundry down.”
    Uncle Tom Murray, meanwhile, had taken to raising chickens on his place; there were tax advantages to be had if his house could be considered a working farm. The other Murrays took an exceedingly dim view of this, and one morning Uncle Tom was surprised to discover that his laying hens had laid no eggs at all. The culprit was eventually found—a young nephew—leading someone to compose the mocking