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Authors: Jacqueline Ward
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mouths and the tears began. A woman’s hand rested on my shoulder and I was guided toward a bench, where three old men moved to let me sit down.
‘We thought it was best that you knew as soon as possible. I was sending Alice to tell you. Sally Jones saw the panda cars outside the house and someone said a bloke had been arrested and took away.’
I sat and tried to take the information in.
‘I’d better go home and see to Colin. He’ll have heard by now. I’d better go home.’
I stood up and walked to the bus stop, Alice and Ettie flanking me, and the other women looking on, their heads bowed and tears flowing. We got on the first number nine bus and sat down. I stared at the seat in front of me, my mind a funny mixture of dread and pain, stopping me thinking about any details. I wondered if Colin was in, if he’d been sent home from work.
We got off at the stop at the end of my road, and I expected to see a panda car outside my house, the kids climbing on it and the neighbours out. But the street was deserted. I opened the front door and the house was empty.
‘Colin? Colin?’
I turned to Ettie and Alice.
‘You can go now, I’ll be all right.’
Alice shook her head.
‘No. I’ll wait with you till Colin gets home. I’ll make a pot of tea.’
I didn’t argue. What would be the point? I’d lost control over every piece of my life. And I suppose they were supporting me, in their own way. I’d no idea where my son was, whether he was dead or alive. Me and Colin hardly spoke, and he slept in the small bedroom on his own.
My parents lived away and never came to see me, and I had no brothers or sisters. Colin’s mother clearly thought Thomas going away was my fault; they had convened a little blame club where they would huddle together and talk about what a bad mother I was. I had no friends, except these women who alternated between gossip and hand-holding. Thomas and Colin had been my life.
The next layer of people I knew were women like Ettie and Alice, not quite friends, and dreadful gossips. So, all in all, I had not a soul to talk to. No one at all. When you’re in that position, and lots of people think they know better than you, you have no choice but to keep it inside yourself, build the shell even stronger, and just keep hoping.
We sat and had a cup of tea, Ettie and Alice trying to start a conversation and me knowing whatever I said would be on the market in the next few hours. They meant well, but I said very little. I just waited and sipped my tea. Eventually, Colin burst in.
‘Is it him? Is it, Bessy? Is it? What’ve they said?’ Alice and Ettie jumped when he shouted, but I was used to it. He often turned nasty these days and I didn’t turn a hair. ‘Come on, you two, out. You’re like bleedin’ vultures, waiting for the bloody prey so you can go and gossip it. Out!’
They scuttled away and onto the street and he slammed the door.
‘Well?’
I looked at the floor.
‘I don’t know, Colin. I only just found out about it.’
He came closer, so close that I could feel his spittle on my cheek.
‘Don’t know? But I thought you knew bloody everything? More than me and me mam, eh?’
It was the usual argument, but I couldn’t believe he would do this now.
‘It’s not the time for this, Colin. We just need to find out if that dead lad is our Thomas. Then we’ll decide what to do.’
He pushed his hands in his pockets, like he did when he felt like he was going to hit me. I could see it in his face. I suppose he needed someone to blame, and I was here, completely alone, his best option.
‘Do? What do you mean?’
‘Let’s just see if it’s Thomas.’
CHAPTER FOUR
I’d fallen asleep reading the first part of Bessy’s story. My imagination had gone off on a tangent that was familiar these days, one that stretched away from logic and common sense into the unknown.
What were the chances of me finding Bessy’s notebook, with her son missing as well? What were the
‘We thought it was best that you knew as soon as possible. I was sending Alice to tell you. Sally Jones saw the panda cars outside the house and someone said a bloke had been arrested and took away.’
I sat and tried to take the information in.
‘I’d better go home and see to Colin. He’ll have heard by now. I’d better go home.’
I stood up and walked to the bus stop, Alice and Ettie flanking me, and the other women looking on, their heads bowed and tears flowing. We got on the first number nine bus and sat down. I stared at the seat in front of me, my mind a funny mixture of dread and pain, stopping me thinking about any details. I wondered if Colin was in, if he’d been sent home from work.
We got off at the stop at the end of my road, and I expected to see a panda car outside my house, the kids climbing on it and the neighbours out. But the street was deserted. I opened the front door and the house was empty.
‘Colin? Colin?’
I turned to Ettie and Alice.
‘You can go now, I’ll be all right.’
Alice shook her head.
‘No. I’ll wait with you till Colin gets home. I’ll make a pot of tea.’
I didn’t argue. What would be the point? I’d lost control over every piece of my life. And I suppose they were supporting me, in their own way. I’d no idea where my son was, whether he was dead or alive. Me and Colin hardly spoke, and he slept in the small bedroom on his own.
My parents lived away and never came to see me, and I had no brothers or sisters. Colin’s mother clearly thought Thomas going away was my fault; they had convened a little blame club where they would huddle together and talk about what a bad mother I was. I had no friends, except these women who alternated between gossip and hand-holding. Thomas and Colin had been my life.
The next layer of people I knew were women like Ettie and Alice, not quite friends, and dreadful gossips. So, all in all, I had not a soul to talk to. No one at all. When you’re in that position, and lots of people think they know better than you, you have no choice but to keep it inside yourself, build the shell even stronger, and just keep hoping.
We sat and had a cup of tea, Ettie and Alice trying to start a conversation and me knowing whatever I said would be on the market in the next few hours. They meant well, but I said very little. I just waited and sipped my tea. Eventually, Colin burst in.
‘Is it him? Is it, Bessy? Is it? What’ve they said?’ Alice and Ettie jumped when he shouted, but I was used to it. He often turned nasty these days and I didn’t turn a hair. ‘Come on, you two, out. You’re like bleedin’ vultures, waiting for the bloody prey so you can go and gossip it. Out!’
They scuttled away and onto the street and he slammed the door.
‘Well?’
I looked at the floor.
‘I don’t know, Colin. I only just found out about it.’
He came closer, so close that I could feel his spittle on my cheek.
‘Don’t know? But I thought you knew bloody everything? More than me and me mam, eh?’
It was the usual argument, but I couldn’t believe he would do this now.
‘It’s not the time for this, Colin. We just need to find out if that dead lad is our Thomas. Then we’ll decide what to do.’
He pushed his hands in his pockets, like he did when he felt like he was going to hit me. I could see it in his face. I suppose he needed someone to blame, and I was here, completely alone, his best option.
‘Do? What do you mean?’
‘Let’s just see if it’s Thomas.’
CHAPTER FOUR
I’d fallen asleep reading the first part of Bessy’s story. My imagination had gone off on a tangent that was familiar these days, one that stretched away from logic and common sense into the unknown.
What were the chances of me finding Bessy’s notebook, with her son missing as well? What were the
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