trigger, I just felt numb. Disconnected from myself more than ever.
I couldn’t enjoy the sunset because the yellow reminded me of the spark from the gun, and the red sky reminded me of blood. My ears continued ringing to a point where I began to wonder if it’d ever go away.
My eyes were fixed on the blurred asphalt during the ride. I felt as though it was a privilege to see or feel anything else, a privilege that I didn’t have or deserve, so I stopped trying to look around.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Honestly, I don’t even remember pulling the trigger, but I did. One second she was alive, then suddenly she wasn’t. Just like that. And it was because of me. It was all my fault that she was dead.
I caught a glimpse of the others following us. Sid, Rocket, and Lanvin trailed close behind, while a few others were following at a near distance.
If they were planning to kill me, I don’t think I’d try to stop them this time. I didn’t deserve to live anymore. No, not after today. Today I became something I never thought I could become. Today I became a murderer. A monster.
Little by little, the crew began to disperse in separate directions with Rainer’s order until there were only four of us left. The warmth of Rainer’s body was the only thing that really felt real.
As time passed, I felt even worse. The reality that I killed someone was hitting me hard and all I could do was hold Rainer tighter. He hasn’t said a word since we left, and I began to wonder if it was because he was upset or if people just didn’t talk on motorcycles.
I felt a deep sadness for what I did. The glimmer of hope and happiness I had earlier today has gone and I felt dead inside.
A million thoughts raced through my head and through the noise of it all came a sense of calmness. It wasn’t the type of calm a person feels when they are safe in their homes. Or the type of calm two lovers feel as they lay side by side with one another. It was different. It was a calm that came from acceptance. The acceptance that whatever would happen next, I’d be okay with it. Even if that meant that I was going to be killed, I was completely okay with it. I’ve made peace with myself and if anything, I don’t think I deserved to live anyways, especially not after what I just did.
I don’t think I’d want to spend the rest of my life in prison either, that’d be even worse than my ordinary life.
I had a lot of regrets, like why did I come here, why didn’t I listen to Mandy, why did I pull the trigger, but none of that mattered anymore. Even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, I’m at peace knowing I got to experience something people probably won’t ever have to deal with in their lives. And because of that, I felt like my time was up. Life couldn’t go any higher or lower than this.
The white lines along the ground started to separate until I could see their long rectangular shapes. Rainer and the others drove towards the dirt where we all eventually stopped a few miles in.
I didn’t even realize we were stopped until Rainer moved my hands off of him. I got off Rainer’s motorcycle and stood silently, embracing myself to stay warm even though it wasn’t cold at all.
Soon after, Rocket, Lanvin, and Sid stood beside me. They remained dead silent as I looked up at them, defeated, wondering what they were thinking. None of them made eye contact, they just stared at the ground beneath Rainer who was facing away from us. He ran his hands through his hair and I watched his muscles tense, his tattoos looked like they were growing as he stretched his arms out.
Everything seemed peaceful until he yelled, “Fuck!”
Just like that, the calmness that lingered in my mind disappeared. I tried to make the feeling come back, but it was gone.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he yelled, each one louder than the last. Rainer took a deep breath, and I watched him closely as he turned around. Like
I couldn’t enjoy the sunset because the yellow reminded me of the spark from the gun, and the red sky reminded me of blood. My ears continued ringing to a point where I began to wonder if it’d ever go away.
My eyes were fixed on the blurred asphalt during the ride. I felt as though it was a privilege to see or feel anything else, a privilege that I didn’t have or deserve, so I stopped trying to look around.
Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Honestly, I don’t even remember pulling the trigger, but I did. One second she was alive, then suddenly she wasn’t. Just like that. And it was because of me. It was all my fault that she was dead.
I caught a glimpse of the others following us. Sid, Rocket, and Lanvin trailed close behind, while a few others were following at a near distance.
If they were planning to kill me, I don’t think I’d try to stop them this time. I didn’t deserve to live anymore. No, not after today. Today I became something I never thought I could become. Today I became a murderer. A monster.
Little by little, the crew began to disperse in separate directions with Rainer’s order until there were only four of us left. The warmth of Rainer’s body was the only thing that really felt real.
As time passed, I felt even worse. The reality that I killed someone was hitting me hard and all I could do was hold Rainer tighter. He hasn’t said a word since we left, and I began to wonder if it was because he was upset or if people just didn’t talk on motorcycles.
I felt a deep sadness for what I did. The glimmer of hope and happiness I had earlier today has gone and I felt dead inside.
A million thoughts raced through my head and through the noise of it all came a sense of calmness. It wasn’t the type of calm a person feels when they are safe in their homes. Or the type of calm two lovers feel as they lay side by side with one another. It was different. It was a calm that came from acceptance. The acceptance that whatever would happen next, I’d be okay with it. Even if that meant that I was going to be killed, I was completely okay with it. I’ve made peace with myself and if anything, I don’t think I deserved to live anyways, especially not after what I just did.
I don’t think I’d want to spend the rest of my life in prison either, that’d be even worse than my ordinary life.
I had a lot of regrets, like why did I come here, why didn’t I listen to Mandy, why did I pull the trigger, but none of that mattered anymore. Even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, I’m at peace knowing I got to experience something people probably won’t ever have to deal with in their lives. And because of that, I felt like my time was up. Life couldn’t go any higher or lower than this.
The white lines along the ground started to separate until I could see their long rectangular shapes. Rainer and the others drove towards the dirt where we all eventually stopped a few miles in.
I didn’t even realize we were stopped until Rainer moved my hands off of him. I got off Rainer’s motorcycle and stood silently, embracing myself to stay warm even though it wasn’t cold at all.
Soon after, Rocket, Lanvin, and Sid stood beside me. They remained dead silent as I looked up at them, defeated, wondering what they were thinking. None of them made eye contact, they just stared at the ground beneath Rainer who was facing away from us. He ran his hands through his hair and I watched his muscles tense, his tattoos looked like they were growing as he stretched his arms out.
Everything seemed peaceful until he yelled, “Fuck!”
Just like that, the calmness that lingered in my mind disappeared. I tried to make the feeling come back, but it was gone.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he yelled, each one louder than the last. Rainer took a deep breath, and I watched him closely as he turned around. Like
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