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Authors: Pamela Ditchoff
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that bound him and motioned for him to follow, but he stood there mumbling holy names and crossing himself." Helga's aura turns smoky gray and her ghostly chin trembles.
"He said,
Why have you, who are so filled with mercy, the shape of a monster
?"
"Boys are stupid," Rune scoffs, but she moves closer to Helga in a gesture of comfort.
Elora curses
Bricklebrit
and catches the three gold coins before they hit her black lacquer Erte table. She snaps her fingers and mutes the sound on the crystal ball. "I can't take a minute more of this stroll down memory lane, and before you start whining and force me to zap your mouth clean off your furry face, I intend to tell you the rest of Helga's tale sans the histrionics."
Croesus lays his head in his mistress' lap and licks her fingers. Elora opens a silver case on the table and lights a clove cigarette with her Statue of Liberty lighter.
"Helga, as frog-girl, finally got the priest outside where she jumped on a horse and pulled the priest up behind her. Off they rode across the heath, clippitey-clop. When they were miles away from the Viking hall, the priest starting singing hymns and now it was Helga's turn to tremble. Michael thought this was because he'd touched her pagan soul with the goodness of god, but she was freezing her webs off, thin skin, night air, and all that. So, after spying a mound of hay where she could get warm and transform, Helga reined in the horse. But the priest wrapped his arms around her and held tight, and because her skin was dried from the ride, she couldn't slip away. Then the sun rose." Elora blows three smoke rings and Croesus lifts his head and woofs.
"Frog turns into beautiful, naked but for a leather belt, girl, and priest jumps off the horse as if his wool underwear's on fire. Helga draws the knife from her belt and goes Xena on him. They wrestle around, tree root trips her, she loses the knife, he dips fingers in stream, baptizes her, and she stops struggling. Now, Michael is all full of himself and the holy spirit, and he god-talks to her saying she could be free and learn to love the eternal light of god. While he's talking, she's checking out his god-bod, his golden hair and his green eyes, thinking he's a real hunk."
Croesus' tongue lolls out of the side of his mouth.
"Yep, she was hot for the holy man. He said he'd take her to Hedeby where Ansgarius the most holy would break the spell. Cha--as if! Helga jumps back up on the horse and Michael says,
You must sit behind me for your magic beauty comes from the Evil One, I fear it.
After taking the reins, he raises a fist in the air and shouts,
But the victory is mine, in Christ!
"
Croesus groans and Elora scratches his head. "Exactly--five yard penalty on the frock jock for spiking the ball. So they ride deeper and deeper into the forest while Michael recites the litany of Christianity and Helga listens as if she's hypnotized. Just before sunset, a band of robbers jumped them: horse takes an ax to the neck, priest takes a hammer in the head, and the robbers jump Helga. But just as they do, the sun sets, she transforms and the robbers bail, screaming like teenage campers in a B horror movie. Helga threw her froggie body on the priest, sobbing like crazy. She cleaned what was left of Michael's face then covered the bodies with sticks and stones and moss so wolves wouldn't eat them, worked till her webs bled and broke. When the sun rose and she transformed to a beauty, she was still totally freaked, so she shimmied up a tree and stayed there all day."
Elora snaps on the sound and within the crystal ball Helga stands, walks to a swamp oak and wraps her ghostly arms around the tree. "After spending all day in the tree, I realized that at last I was loved. Michael had loved me as both of my selves, accepted the good with the bad, and he died for that love . . ."
“Well, actually, he didn’t love both of your selves because he wanted
"He said,
Why have you, who are so filled with mercy, the shape of a monster
?"
"Boys are stupid," Rune scoffs, but she moves closer to Helga in a gesture of comfort.
Elora curses
Bricklebrit
and catches the three gold coins before they hit her black lacquer Erte table. She snaps her fingers and mutes the sound on the crystal ball. "I can't take a minute more of this stroll down memory lane, and before you start whining and force me to zap your mouth clean off your furry face, I intend to tell you the rest of Helga's tale sans the histrionics."
Croesus lays his head in his mistress' lap and licks her fingers. Elora opens a silver case on the table and lights a clove cigarette with her Statue of Liberty lighter.
"Helga, as frog-girl, finally got the priest outside where she jumped on a horse and pulled the priest up behind her. Off they rode across the heath, clippitey-clop. When they were miles away from the Viking hall, the priest starting singing hymns and now it was Helga's turn to tremble. Michael thought this was because he'd touched her pagan soul with the goodness of god, but she was freezing her webs off, thin skin, night air, and all that. So, after spying a mound of hay where she could get warm and transform, Helga reined in the horse. But the priest wrapped his arms around her and held tight, and because her skin was dried from the ride, she couldn't slip away. Then the sun rose." Elora blows three smoke rings and Croesus lifts his head and woofs.
"Frog turns into beautiful, naked but for a leather belt, girl, and priest jumps off the horse as if his wool underwear's on fire. Helga draws the knife from her belt and goes Xena on him. They wrestle around, tree root trips her, she loses the knife, he dips fingers in stream, baptizes her, and she stops struggling. Now, Michael is all full of himself and the holy spirit, and he god-talks to her saying she could be free and learn to love the eternal light of god. While he's talking, she's checking out his god-bod, his golden hair and his green eyes, thinking he's a real hunk."
Croesus' tongue lolls out of the side of his mouth.
"Yep, she was hot for the holy man. He said he'd take her to Hedeby where Ansgarius the most holy would break the spell. Cha--as if! Helga jumps back up on the horse and Michael says,
You must sit behind me for your magic beauty comes from the Evil One, I fear it.
After taking the reins, he raises a fist in the air and shouts,
But the victory is mine, in Christ!
"
Croesus groans and Elora scratches his head. "Exactly--five yard penalty on the frock jock for spiking the ball. So they ride deeper and deeper into the forest while Michael recites the litany of Christianity and Helga listens as if she's hypnotized. Just before sunset, a band of robbers jumped them: horse takes an ax to the neck, priest takes a hammer in the head, and the robbers jump Helga. But just as they do, the sun sets, she transforms and the robbers bail, screaming like teenage campers in a B horror movie. Helga threw her froggie body on the priest, sobbing like crazy. She cleaned what was left of Michael's face then covered the bodies with sticks and stones and moss so wolves wouldn't eat them, worked till her webs bled and broke. When the sun rose and she transformed to a beauty, she was still totally freaked, so she shimmied up a tree and stayed there all day."
Elora snaps on the sound and within the crystal ball Helga stands, walks to a swamp oak and wraps her ghostly arms around the tree. "After spending all day in the tree, I realized that at last I was loved. Michael had loved me as both of my selves, accepted the good with the bad, and he died for that love . . ."
“Well, actually, he didn’t love both of your selves because he wanted
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