a wave and let them crash over you, even if you are
feeling good.”
“ Precisely my dear. Only I
find it more akin to dredging. Cultivating thoughts of the more
horrible things that have happened to you, building the conviction
that there are more horrors to come, endless unbearable
horrors.”
“ How fun.”
“ It’s all about fooling
your heart, love. That’s all it is. It’s like a muscle. Once you
get good at it, you can flex it on and off. The trick is
identifying those key horrors, finding those that compel you
personally, and dependably. But everyone’s different. One man’s
horror is another man’s inconvenience. Now tell me, what bad things
have ever happened to you?”
“ Bad things?”
“ Things that made you sad.
Things that made you question whether you wanted to go on with
life. There must be something. I mean, you’re a repeat
customer.”
I glanced at my watch again. I really
did not want to be doing this, but we still had half an hour before
we had to be on that train.
“ Come on, love. Surely you
can come up with something.”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Feeling like
and outcast, I guess. Back home, in Florida.”
“ School
difficulties?”
“ I was
home-schooled.”
“ Ah. Say no more. And what
aspect of that experience in particular made you feel … the way you
felt?”
Now I was starting to fidget. This was
not stuff I kept in the forefront of my mind. Thinking about it
again was making me uncomfortable.
“ Yes?”
I didn’t really want to cooperate.
This felt like an interrogation. But Karla’s eyes had gotten all
big and expectant. She clearly wanted me to go along with
this.
“ I don’t know. The
isolation, maybe? I wasn’t like the other home-schooled kids. For
that matter, I wasn’t at all like the public school kids, either. I
couldn’t make … or keep … friends.”
“ Excellent! That is exactly
the sort of well from which we want to draw.”
“ Yeah, but … now I see that
it was all bullshit. I really wasn’t all that different. And the
parts of me that were, well I’m glad I wasn’t like everybody else.
I’m glad I became who I am.”
Sophie grimaced. “What is this I am
hearing? Vindication? Self-esteem? You will need to stifle these
feelings right away if are to make any headway. Please focus only
on the bad. Now tell me, how else do you fail as a
person?”
“ Fail? Me? I wouldn’t
exactly call myself a failure.”
“ Oh, come now. There must
be disappointments. Things that made you question the value of
going on with life?”
I was staring at some spilled sugar on
the tabletop. I could actually make out each little cuboid crystal.
Karla jabbed me with her elbow.
“ Cooperate!” she
hissed.
I let out my breath. “Well, I was
homeless for a while. Except, that wasn’t so bad. And there was
prison. And … I’m an orphan.”
Sophie’s expression brightened. “Dead
parents! How old were you when you lost them?”
“ It was only a few years
ago. But … I saw my mom in Frelsi. In the Sanctuary. But … she
didn’t recognize me.”
“ Of course not, dear. She’s
cleared. Why would she need to be bothered with the living world
when she had Frelsi? But unfortunately, now that you’ve seen her,
you understand that souls continue onward. You have glimpsed your
loved one in another existence. That’s not exactly the best fuel
for despair.”
“ What can I say? My head’s
in a good place right now. I mean, is that a crime?”
“ Surely, there must be
more. You must have had something truly horrifying happen to you?
Most people who have visited the Liminality do.”
Karla looked at me. “Papa.”
Sophie leaned forward, her face
expectant. “What’s this?”
“ I was kidnapped. Beaten …
and tortured. By Karla’s father.”
“ Now we’re getting
somewhere! Put yourself back in that place. Close your eyes. Empty
your mind of everything but that. Bask in the futility, the
hopelessness.”
I tucked my chin and
feeling good.”
“ Precisely my dear. Only I
find it more akin to dredging. Cultivating thoughts of the more
horrible things that have happened to you, building the conviction
that there are more horrors to come, endless unbearable
horrors.”
“ How fun.”
“ It’s all about fooling
your heart, love. That’s all it is. It’s like a muscle. Once you
get good at it, you can flex it on and off. The trick is
identifying those key horrors, finding those that compel you
personally, and dependably. But everyone’s different. One man’s
horror is another man’s inconvenience. Now tell me, what bad things
have ever happened to you?”
“ Bad things?”
“ Things that made you sad.
Things that made you question whether you wanted to go on with
life. There must be something. I mean, you’re a repeat
customer.”
I glanced at my watch again. I really
did not want to be doing this, but we still had half an hour before
we had to be on that train.
“ Come on, love. Surely you
can come up with something.”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Feeling like
and outcast, I guess. Back home, in Florida.”
“ School
difficulties?”
“ I was
home-schooled.”
“ Ah. Say no more. And what
aspect of that experience in particular made you feel … the way you
felt?”
Now I was starting to fidget. This was
not stuff I kept in the forefront of my mind. Thinking about it
again was making me uncomfortable.
“ Yes?”
I didn’t really want to cooperate.
This felt like an interrogation. But Karla’s eyes had gotten all
big and expectant. She clearly wanted me to go along with
this.
“ I don’t know. The
isolation, maybe? I wasn’t like the other home-schooled kids. For
that matter, I wasn’t at all like the public school kids, either. I
couldn’t make … or keep … friends.”
“ Excellent! That is exactly
the sort of well from which we want to draw.”
“ Yeah, but … now I see that
it was all bullshit. I really wasn’t all that different. And the
parts of me that were, well I’m glad I wasn’t like everybody else.
I’m glad I became who I am.”
Sophie grimaced. “What is this I am
hearing? Vindication? Self-esteem? You will need to stifle these
feelings right away if are to make any headway. Please focus only
on the bad. Now tell me, how else do you fail as a
person?”
“ Fail? Me? I wouldn’t
exactly call myself a failure.”
“ Oh, come now. There must
be disappointments. Things that made you question the value of
going on with life?”
I was staring at some spilled sugar on
the tabletop. I could actually make out each little cuboid crystal.
Karla jabbed me with her elbow.
“ Cooperate!” she
hissed.
I let out my breath. “Well, I was
homeless for a while. Except, that wasn’t so bad. And there was
prison. And … I’m an orphan.”
Sophie’s expression brightened. “Dead
parents! How old were you when you lost them?”
“ It was only a few years
ago. But … I saw my mom in Frelsi. In the Sanctuary. But … she
didn’t recognize me.”
“ Of course not, dear. She’s
cleared. Why would she need to be bothered with the living world
when she had Frelsi? But unfortunately, now that you’ve seen her,
you understand that souls continue onward. You have glimpsed your
loved one in another existence. That’s not exactly the best fuel
for despair.”
“ What can I say? My head’s
in a good place right now. I mean, is that a crime?”
“ Surely, there must be
more. You must have had something truly horrifying happen to you?
Most people who have visited the Liminality do.”
Karla looked at me. “Papa.”
Sophie leaned forward, her face
expectant. “What’s this?”
“ I was kidnapped. Beaten …
and tortured. By Karla’s father.”
“ Now we’re getting
somewhere! Put yourself back in that place. Close your eyes. Empty
your mind of everything but that. Bask in the futility, the
hopelessness.”
I tucked my chin and
Similar Books
