Read Online Patience & Sarah (Little Sister's Classics) by Isabel Miller - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Isabel Miller
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tiger-soul unchained, these dangerous passions freed? I would seek Sarah’s lips again and be calm.
The story of the Prodigal Son attracted and warned me. He demanded his patrimony, as I had meant to demand mine. He squandered it. I tried to imagine how one might squander – what dissolute living might consist in. Searching my soul for an answer, I found again my longing for Sarah’s lips. But that wasn’t dissolute in a man. Men could have women’s lips. And I felt, I think for the first time, a rage against men. Not because they could say, “I’m going,” and go. Not because they could go to college and become lawyers or preachers while women could be only drudge or ornament but nothing between. Not because they could be parents at no cost to their bodies. But because when they love a woman they may be with her, and all society will protect their possession of her.
BOOK TWO
Sarah
Chapter One
Pa and me walked home, single file, him first. The tears just poured down my face. I couldn’t’ve stopped them even if he’d been looking.
I’d made the mistake of letting a feeling get past the point where it can be stopped. You can’t stop tears if they get as far as your eyes, or even to your throat. Only place to stop them is in the feeling, keeping it out. But I didn’t see, and still don’t, how I could’ve done different – not felt for Patience. And once I’d felt, I had to stand whatever happened.
Pa said, half over his shoulder, “I see now I wouldn’t’ve had to lay it on so.”
I didn’t answer.
“No hard feeling?” he asked.
“No, Pa.”
And I really didn’t have a grudge against him. I knew that if Patience had felt what I did, nothing Pa did could’ve kept her from me. I knew that by his own lights, Pa’d acted right. I couldn’t hold that against him. And I didn’t. I was just finished with him.
We walked along. I could feel every place he’d hit me. I hadn’t much before. But then I could.
“I’ll be leaving, soon’s I heal up,” I said.
“Like you was planning.” He nodded, like broad-minded. “Now, that’s all right.”
I was really finished with him. I didn’t even hackle up and ask what made him think it mattered to have him say it was all right.
“I think you’ll be back,” he said.
“No.”
“I think so. But I think you need to find that out for yourself. And that’s all right. When you want to come back, I just want you to know you’ve got a place.”
I would hang myself by the neck before I would come back, but I didn’t say so. I just walked along behind him.
I clumb up to my bed soon’s I got home. Rachel came at me right away. I had no grudge against her either, but I could see that I was through with her too. I knew she never meant to harm me. It didn’t matter. It was like an ax had come down and cut me from her. I wondered if that was how Patience felt about me.
Rachel said, “Oh, Sister, where you been? What happened?”
I just shook my head and turned away.
All I wanted was to heal up and get out of there.
I didn’t go down for supper. Pa yelled for me. I thought next he’d send up one of the little ones, knowing I still had feeling for them. I braced myself. I’d say, gentle, no, I wasn’t hungry.
But it was Ma that came. She shouldn’t’ve! With her lame shoulder, up the ladder like that, with her shoulder like that – “Oh, Ma!”
“Now, gal,” she said.
“I just want to heal up and go.”
“Sure. I always knew you’d go.”
“Patience don’t want to.”
“She’s scared.”
“Scared? You think so? She didn’t say so. She just said, no, she didn’t want to.”
“She’s too scared to think if she wants to.”
All the while, Ma was wiping my eyes and nose on her skirt. Hard-woven linsey, scratchy. It shouldn’t’ve felt so comfortable. It took me back to when I could reach no higher than her skirt. Oh what a skirt she’s had through the years, smeared with baby noses.
I said, “She
The story of the Prodigal Son attracted and warned me. He demanded his patrimony, as I had meant to demand mine. He squandered it. I tried to imagine how one might squander – what dissolute living might consist in. Searching my soul for an answer, I found again my longing for Sarah’s lips. But that wasn’t dissolute in a man. Men could have women’s lips. And I felt, I think for the first time, a rage against men. Not because they could say, “I’m going,” and go. Not because they could go to college and become lawyers or preachers while women could be only drudge or ornament but nothing between. Not because they could be parents at no cost to their bodies. But because when they love a woman they may be with her, and all society will protect their possession of her.
BOOK TWO
Sarah
Chapter One
Pa and me walked home, single file, him first. The tears just poured down my face. I couldn’t’ve stopped them even if he’d been looking.
I’d made the mistake of letting a feeling get past the point where it can be stopped. You can’t stop tears if they get as far as your eyes, or even to your throat. Only place to stop them is in the feeling, keeping it out. But I didn’t see, and still don’t, how I could’ve done different – not felt for Patience. And once I’d felt, I had to stand whatever happened.
Pa said, half over his shoulder, “I see now I wouldn’t’ve had to lay it on so.”
I didn’t answer.
“No hard feeling?” he asked.
“No, Pa.”
And I really didn’t have a grudge against him. I knew that if Patience had felt what I did, nothing Pa did could’ve kept her from me. I knew that by his own lights, Pa’d acted right. I couldn’t hold that against him. And I didn’t. I was just finished with him.
We walked along. I could feel every place he’d hit me. I hadn’t much before. But then I could.
“I’ll be leaving, soon’s I heal up,” I said.
“Like you was planning.” He nodded, like broad-minded. “Now, that’s all right.”
I was really finished with him. I didn’t even hackle up and ask what made him think it mattered to have him say it was all right.
“I think you’ll be back,” he said.
“No.”
“I think so. But I think you need to find that out for yourself. And that’s all right. When you want to come back, I just want you to know you’ve got a place.”
I would hang myself by the neck before I would come back, but I didn’t say so. I just walked along behind him.
I clumb up to my bed soon’s I got home. Rachel came at me right away. I had no grudge against her either, but I could see that I was through with her too. I knew she never meant to harm me. It didn’t matter. It was like an ax had come down and cut me from her. I wondered if that was how Patience felt about me.
Rachel said, “Oh, Sister, where you been? What happened?”
I just shook my head and turned away.
All I wanted was to heal up and get out of there.
I didn’t go down for supper. Pa yelled for me. I thought next he’d send up one of the little ones, knowing I still had feeling for them. I braced myself. I’d say, gentle, no, I wasn’t hungry.
But it was Ma that came. She shouldn’t’ve! With her lame shoulder, up the ladder like that, with her shoulder like that – “Oh, Ma!”
“Now, gal,” she said.
“I just want to heal up and go.”
“Sure. I always knew you’d go.”
“Patience don’t want to.”
“She’s scared.”
“Scared? You think so? She didn’t say so. She just said, no, she didn’t want to.”
“She’s too scared to think if she wants to.”
All the while, Ma was wiping my eyes and nose on her skirt. Hard-woven linsey, scratchy. It shouldn’t’ve felt so comfortable. It took me back to when I could reach no higher than her skirt. Oh what a skirt she’s had through the years, smeared with baby noses.
I said, “She
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