“Loneliness,” I replied.
“Whose?” He put his hand on my knee.
“Mine.” I pulled away. “I am a deceiver, a liar. I'm not who I pretend to be”
Joe leaned back in the bench. “Who are you?” There was no malice or sarcasm in his tone.
The question was genuine but I couldn't answer.
“It's tough keeping your guard up all the time,.” he said.
“How long have you known?”
“For a while.”
“Why didn't you say something before now?”
“You would have denied it.” He folded his arms. “Or given me the usual speech about two choices – the front door or the back.” He shook his head as he imitated me.
Joe had gone through divorce as well. He perhaps understood my feelings better than I. He gave me the one thing I needed most – time. I was so blinded by my internal dilemma I failed see it or to care about the effect it was having on those around me.
“I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be alone. I'm jealous of what you have with Kylie and Liam.”
“So you don't want a family but your jealous because I have one?”
“I'm the outsider looking in.”
“What are you afraid of? Being part of a family?” He touched his hand to mine. “Being loved?” The words couldn't be undone. They floated in the air. “You think you're the only one that stands to get hurt if things fall apart?” His tone had changed from soft to firm. “You're so damn practical about everything. Last time I looked three people who loved you stand to get hurt. Three to one – you do the math.”
“I wish it was that simple.” I looked at him and for first time I felt the fear of loss.
“You make everything complicated. You hide behind it.”
“Because...”
“Because you love us?” he finished. “Because it's too late to become uninvolved? Because you see love as a weapon? As a means to get hurt? It's what your last relationship did to you. But here's the rub, if love is used like that, it is really love at all?”
I loved Joe and Kylie and Liam. It was immutable and singular. And terrifying. I understood now why it was called a blended family – everything was mixed up. I clenched my jaw to hold back the tears. I tried to turn away but it was too late. Walter ran past us – his tail whirling around so fast I expected him to lift off like a helicopter. Kylie followed behind with his leash trying to catch him. Liam stood in the doorway grinning.
Joe looked at me and saw my tears. Before the words even formed on his lips, I kissed him.
61
“Whose?” He put his hand on my knee.
“Mine.” I pulled away. “I am a deceiver, a liar. I'm not who I pretend to be”
Joe leaned back in the bench. “Who are you?” There was no malice or sarcasm in his tone.
The question was genuine but I couldn't answer.
“It's tough keeping your guard up all the time,.” he said.
“How long have you known?”
“For a while.”
“Why didn't you say something before now?”
“You would have denied it.” He folded his arms. “Or given me the usual speech about two choices – the front door or the back.” He shook his head as he imitated me.
Joe had gone through divorce as well. He perhaps understood my feelings better than I. He gave me the one thing I needed most – time. I was so blinded by my internal dilemma I failed see it or to care about the effect it was having on those around me.
“I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be alone. I'm jealous of what you have with Kylie and Liam.”
“So you don't want a family but your jealous because I have one?”
“I'm the outsider looking in.”
“What are you afraid of? Being part of a family?” He touched his hand to mine. “Being loved?” The words couldn't be undone. They floated in the air. “You think you're the only one that stands to get hurt if things fall apart?” His tone had changed from soft to firm. “You're so damn practical about everything. Last time I looked three people who loved you stand to get hurt. Three to one – you do the math.”
“I wish it was that simple.” I looked at him and for first time I felt the fear of loss.
“You make everything complicated. You hide behind it.”
“Because...”
“Because you love us?” he finished. “Because it's too late to become uninvolved? Because you see love as a weapon? As a means to get hurt? It's what your last relationship did to you. But here's the rub, if love is used like that, it is really love at all?”
I loved Joe and Kylie and Liam. It was immutable and singular. And terrifying. I understood now why it was called a blended family – everything was mixed up. I clenched my jaw to hold back the tears. I tried to turn away but it was too late. Walter ran past us – his tail whirling around so fast I expected him to lift off like a helicopter. Kylie followed behind with his leash trying to catch him. Liam stood in the doorway grinning.
Joe looked at me and saw my tears. Before the words even formed on his lips, I kissed him.
61
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