wisdom to understand the road I travel.
Selfishly, I look at you as a legacy to my life. You are the only heir. All I ask is patience and understanding; that is the virtue maybe I lack, but it is one that I can work to develop.
I cannot close without trying to put into words how important one thing is to me and how frightened I am concerning it. Olivia, drugs scare me. They frighten me so much that at times I am not rational. When I talk to you about them it is from a position of fear. That intense fear makes me say things and do things that may not be in the best interest of our relationship. This is not an excuse, it is only a fact I hope you can understand. How can I explain to you how much fear I have and what it does to me?
I want to tell you about a true story about your dad and I when we were younger. Growing up,as we got older we could go to the creek and the river, near where Grandma Carter lived. Crossing the creek was a railroad bridge. Sometimes if a train was coming me and some of my friends would stand on the bridge up against the rail as a train went past. We thought it was cool the way the train blasted past as we clutched the rail with our backs up against it. What I never thought much about, but can remember now, was sometimes as the engine passed we could see the engineers looking at us and the look on their faces. As I remember now they were probably the most frightened men I have ever seen. We didn’t know or think about what we were doing, it was exciting. Now I understand why they were so frightened. I understand the fear in those engineers’ faces. They knew if only one of those handles on the whole train was sticking out all of us would be killed and there was absolutely nothing they could do but hope and pray we lived through their train passing. I understand now their fear and my excitement.
The train is a good metaphor for my fear. Sometimes my fear puts you standing right in the middle of those tracks. Off on the horizon I can see that train coming faster and faster. As it is getting closer you cannot hear it or know that it is dangerous. I am running as hard as I can; I know when I get to you it may be a ‘me and the train’ situation to save you. There is no decision, you cannot hear me you cannot hear the train. Can you see the fear in my face? I will not hope and pray I will leap between you and the train. I cannot be rational with this much fear. I am not asking you to forgive my fear or even to understand it. I only ask that you recognize it and appreciate that fear this irrational is only borne of intense love and admiration.
I want you to know I will always be here for you. I will always love you, no matter what. When you have had enough and want to get help, I will be here to help you get it. I just pray that it is very soon.When you are out, I hate it when the phone rings. I pray I never get that devastating phone call that I have lost you. My heart would die.
All I truly want you to know is that all of your life, no matter what you do or what you feel, I will love you.
Lovingly yours,
Uncle Preston
There are black drips on the page, which also pool on my hand. I realize they’re my tears.
“Olivia, how are you feeling?” I don’t even try to ignore the kindness in his voice anymore.
The tears come this time like a tornado through a wreck. I sob until exhaustion overwhelms me and my eyes close.
Chapter Thirteen
Olivia Carter
“Once we get off the plane, we’ve only got a short drive, about an hour, to reach our destination. Things will work out.”
I step off the plane like I’m wading through sticky glue, my boots feel so heavy as my three companions form a triangle around me until we get outside where the brightness of the sun and sheer blue of the sky make my eyes wince. For once I miss the dark and rain.
“Welcome to Utah, Olivia,” Dr. Nate says as he beckons to me to get into another black sedan that has drawn up beside us. “You’ll probably find it
Selfishly, I look at you as a legacy to my life. You are the only heir. All I ask is patience and understanding; that is the virtue maybe I lack, but it is one that I can work to develop.
I cannot close without trying to put into words how important one thing is to me and how frightened I am concerning it. Olivia, drugs scare me. They frighten me so much that at times I am not rational. When I talk to you about them it is from a position of fear. That intense fear makes me say things and do things that may not be in the best interest of our relationship. This is not an excuse, it is only a fact I hope you can understand. How can I explain to you how much fear I have and what it does to me?
I want to tell you about a true story about your dad and I when we were younger. Growing up,as we got older we could go to the creek and the river, near where Grandma Carter lived. Crossing the creek was a railroad bridge. Sometimes if a train was coming me and some of my friends would stand on the bridge up against the rail as a train went past. We thought it was cool the way the train blasted past as we clutched the rail with our backs up against it. What I never thought much about, but can remember now, was sometimes as the engine passed we could see the engineers looking at us and the look on their faces. As I remember now they were probably the most frightened men I have ever seen. We didn’t know or think about what we were doing, it was exciting. Now I understand why they were so frightened. I understand the fear in those engineers’ faces. They knew if only one of those handles on the whole train was sticking out all of us would be killed and there was absolutely nothing they could do but hope and pray we lived through their train passing. I understand now their fear and my excitement.
The train is a good metaphor for my fear. Sometimes my fear puts you standing right in the middle of those tracks. Off on the horizon I can see that train coming faster and faster. As it is getting closer you cannot hear it or know that it is dangerous. I am running as hard as I can; I know when I get to you it may be a ‘me and the train’ situation to save you. There is no decision, you cannot hear me you cannot hear the train. Can you see the fear in my face? I will not hope and pray I will leap between you and the train. I cannot be rational with this much fear. I am not asking you to forgive my fear or even to understand it. I only ask that you recognize it and appreciate that fear this irrational is only borne of intense love and admiration.
I want you to know I will always be here for you. I will always love you, no matter what. When you have had enough and want to get help, I will be here to help you get it. I just pray that it is very soon.When you are out, I hate it when the phone rings. I pray I never get that devastating phone call that I have lost you. My heart would die.
All I truly want you to know is that all of your life, no matter what you do or what you feel, I will love you.
Lovingly yours,
Uncle Preston
There are black drips on the page, which also pool on my hand. I realize they’re my tears.
“Olivia, how are you feeling?” I don’t even try to ignore the kindness in his voice anymore.
The tears come this time like a tornado through a wreck. I sob until exhaustion overwhelms me and my eyes close.
Chapter Thirteen
Olivia Carter
“Once we get off the plane, we’ve only got a short drive, about an hour, to reach our destination. Things will work out.”
I step off the plane like I’m wading through sticky glue, my boots feel so heavy as my three companions form a triangle around me until we get outside where the brightness of the sun and sheer blue of the sky make my eyes wince. For once I miss the dark and rain.
“Welcome to Utah, Olivia,” Dr. Nate says as he beckons to me to get into another black sedan that has drawn up beside us. “You’ll probably find it
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