sting of tears rose quickly in my throat, but I managed to swallow it down. Though I sat staring out the window on the passenger side of the car, I didn’t actually see any of the scenery that passed. The only thing I saw was that woman’s eyes. Their dull, grey color was burned forever in my memory.
I’m a murderer. My breath stuttered and my chest constricted as the thought struck me.
Never in my life had I felt such a crushing sense of shame and guilt. It didn’t matter what rationalizations I made, what I’d done was wrong. I swallowed down the tight lump again and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping it would be enough to stave off the tears.
“Would you mind taking me to my apartment?” I couldn’t quite stifle the hitch in my voice. I was too close to breaking down and sobbing. Mark was observant, I’m sure he heard it.
“Yes, I would mind very much.” Mark’s glib response surprised me, not to mention pissed me off.
“Are you saying you won’t take me home?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. You don’t need to be alone right now.”
“What if I want to be alone?” I replied sharply.
“What you want and what you need are two very different things.”
“And why do you get to decide what I need?” I know he meant well, but I was frustrated. I wanted to have a good cry and I didn’t especially want him around to see it.
“Alyssa.” He blew out a deep breath and reached for my hand. “You can get mad at me all you want, but I know what you’re going through right now. I’ve been exactly where you are. Your emotions are raw, but you don’t have to deal with that alone. I won’t let you be alone right now.”
A knot formed in my throat, it was hard not to be touched by his words. I was annoyed at him for his domineering attitude, but he was doing it because he understood and wanted to be there for me. How could I be angry with him for that? And if I was being honest with myself, he was right. I didn’t really want to be alone. I thought about it and then nodded my head in agreement. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He squeezed my hand and I turned back to my window. Silence filled the car the rest of the way to his place. It was a constant battle to hold myself back from letting my emotions free. Finally, a few minutes after we entered his condo, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It was like the damn just burst. My legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor. Mark’s powerful arms lifted me and I buried my head in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He carried me to the sofa and sat, draping me across his lap. With my arms wound around his neck, my body pressed tight against his, I cried.
“Let it out, baby.”
He stroked my hair with such compassion. His touch bolstered my strength and helped to soothe my grief, making what had once felt unendurable, bearable. We sat that way for what felt like an eternity. I’m not sure how much time had actually passed, but I eventually managed to calm myself. Patiently, he waited as I slowly went from retching sobs to slight hiccups in my breath. Murmuring comforting words, and never once uttering a single word of complaint. He would have sat like that all night if I needed him to.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that.” My voice sounded rough and gravelly.
He handed me a Kleenex and I wiped my eyes. “Don’t be. Believe me , I understand.”
Oh God. He’d insinuated it earlier, but the way he was looking at me right now confirmed it. Staring into a face filled with pain, I realized he knew exactly what it felt like to take a life. Silently, new tears began to fall down my cheeks. This time, I cried for him.
His gaze, etched with tenderness, roamed to my tears. Then he did something that twisted up my insides and had goose bumps breaking out over my flesh. He leaned in and licked the salty fluid from my cheek. “I wish I could take away your pain as easily.” He murmured.
My heart swelled at his words and I kissed him. At
I’m a murderer. My breath stuttered and my chest constricted as the thought struck me.
Never in my life had I felt such a crushing sense of shame and guilt. It didn’t matter what rationalizations I made, what I’d done was wrong. I swallowed down the tight lump again and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping it would be enough to stave off the tears.
“Would you mind taking me to my apartment?” I couldn’t quite stifle the hitch in my voice. I was too close to breaking down and sobbing. Mark was observant, I’m sure he heard it.
“Yes, I would mind very much.” Mark’s glib response surprised me, not to mention pissed me off.
“Are you saying you won’t take me home?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. You don’t need to be alone right now.”
“What if I want to be alone?” I replied sharply.
“What you want and what you need are two very different things.”
“And why do you get to decide what I need?” I know he meant well, but I was frustrated. I wanted to have a good cry and I didn’t especially want him around to see it.
“Alyssa.” He blew out a deep breath and reached for my hand. “You can get mad at me all you want, but I know what you’re going through right now. I’ve been exactly where you are. Your emotions are raw, but you don’t have to deal with that alone. I won’t let you be alone right now.”
A knot formed in my throat, it was hard not to be touched by his words. I was annoyed at him for his domineering attitude, but he was doing it because he understood and wanted to be there for me. How could I be angry with him for that? And if I was being honest with myself, he was right. I didn’t really want to be alone. I thought about it and then nodded my head in agreement. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He squeezed my hand and I turned back to my window. Silence filled the car the rest of the way to his place. It was a constant battle to hold myself back from letting my emotions free. Finally, a few minutes after we entered his condo, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It was like the damn just burst. My legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor. Mark’s powerful arms lifted me and I buried my head in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He carried me to the sofa and sat, draping me across his lap. With my arms wound around his neck, my body pressed tight against his, I cried.
“Let it out, baby.”
He stroked my hair with such compassion. His touch bolstered my strength and helped to soothe my grief, making what had once felt unendurable, bearable. We sat that way for what felt like an eternity. I’m not sure how much time had actually passed, but I eventually managed to calm myself. Patiently, he waited as I slowly went from retching sobs to slight hiccups in my breath. Murmuring comforting words, and never once uttering a single word of complaint. He would have sat like that all night if I needed him to.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that.” My voice sounded rough and gravelly.
He handed me a Kleenex and I wiped my eyes. “Don’t be. Believe me , I understand.”
Oh God. He’d insinuated it earlier, but the way he was looking at me right now confirmed it. Staring into a face filled with pain, I realized he knew exactly what it felt like to take a life. Silently, new tears began to fall down my cheeks. This time, I cried for him.
His gaze, etched with tenderness, roamed to my tears. Then he did something that twisted up my insides and had goose bumps breaking out over my flesh. He leaned in and licked the salty fluid from my cheek. “I wish I could take away your pain as easily.” He murmured.
My heart swelled at his words and I kissed him. At
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