Nowhere Girl

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Authors: A. J. Paquette
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direction.
    But I am suddenly confused. Monday? The day before yesterday? “How did you drive in to the village on Monday? The road has been closed since Saturday morning.”
    Tam frowns. “The road’s not closed, love. We’ve been in and out three times since we got here.”
    The conversation around me fades. All I can hear is my heartbeat thudding in my ears. I turn abruptly and start back down the path the way I came. I can hear Paul and Tam calling out behind me, but I don’t stop. If the road is no longer closed, why hasn’t Kiet told me? This very morning, in fact, he said we were still shut in.
    And now another thought freezes my blood, as the forest flies past my now running feet.
    Was the road ever shut down at all?
    By the time I reach the porch stairs, the buzz in my head has swelled to a typhoon. Swirling emotions storm through me. On the landing I kick off my sandals and unclench my trembling hands. My cheeks feel hot. My breath comes in short gasps. I am fighting for air after running so fast, but something inside me is fighting, too. I feel a pushing in my chest, like something trying to break through a wall or a barrier.
    Before I can go in, Kiet opens the front door. He looks surprised to see me.
    â€œLuchi,” he says. “I was just coming out to look for you.”
    I glower at him and struggle against my growing anger. Mama had a fiery temper—more than once growing up I saw her fly into a fury over something Jeanne said or did. But all the years on the inside—or perhaps Thailand itself—eventually tamed her. Public outbursts are simply not done. “ Jai yen yen ,” Bibi would say with a soft smile. Keep a cool heart. It never paid to give in to the torrent. When all your life is on a stage, even a stage with bars, you learn quickly to cover your true emotions with a mask of convention. If all is not as it should be, at least it can appear that way.
    And yet.
    The rage I feel boiling inside me as I look up at Kiet is like water pushing to break through a dam, pushing with such force and power that I know I will not be able to hold it back. Maybe it’s the brooding silences of the last few days. Maybe it’s the many emotions all around me, felt but never shared. But mostly I think this is about starting down my own path of choice only to feel that power taken out of my hands yet again. By someone I’d thought I could trust.
    How could Kiet betray me like this? How could he lie to my face?
    I swallow hard and try to keep my voice level.
    â€œThe road out of here. Why did you say it is closed? It is open—open! I heard it from some travelers in the forest. Why?” My voice rises to a high squeak by the last word, and my face is burning.
    Kiet’s cheeks pale. “Luchi—I … you … I just thought you needed to stay here a while.” He looks at me, his eyes soft and begging. “They are good people. It is a big change for you, going out in the world. I thought you needed—”
    â€œYou thought ?” The words fly out of my mouth like stones. “What about me? Don’t I get to think about things? Don’t I get to choose?”
    The flow of rage is not slowing. I thought releasing it would burn up all the anger, let me regain control. But it feels like the opposite is happening. Now the dam has broken and my current is a roar of white water, tugging me along and threatening to drag me under. The only thing I can do is keep moving.
    I push past Kiet into the empty kitchen and then through to the sleeping room. On the far wall, my tea box and Mama’s urn are piled on top of the folded sarong. I snatch them up and turn to leave when I see Yai sitting on the floor, legs tucked under her, hands folded in her lap. Her eyes are cast down and her face is twisted into a look that I cannot read, do not want to read. I know she must have heard our exchange on the porch. My shouted words. If she has

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