the
need
strikes him. If it weren’t so appalling, I think I’d
laugh.’
‘Please don’t laugh at me, Lizzie.’ Christopher was on his feet again, beseeching her. ‘Or rather,
do
laugh at me, do whatever you feel like. Just don’t talk
about leaving me.’
‘Why would I stay? How
can
I stay?’
‘To help your husband,’ he said. ‘The father of your children.’
He had sat down again, had told her that he loved them all utterly and completely, that they were everything to him. He said that he couldn’t face life without her, and when she told him,
in disgust, that he was being pathetic, he admitted that he supposed he was exactly that, that he was both ridiculous and very weak.
‘That’s a hard thing for a man like myself to admit, Lizzie.’
She didn’t speak.
‘I’ve had these needs,’ Christopher had gone on, ‘for more years than I can remember. I’ve tried stopping, believe me, but that never lasts for long.’
He’d paused. ‘It’s a form of addiction.’
‘Is that a diagnosis?’ Lizzie asked wryly.
‘It is.’
‘You’ve seen someone about it?’ She was very cool.
‘Once,’ he answered. ‘A long time ago.’
‘Why only once?’
‘It was too humiliating for me.’
‘I see.’
‘No, you don’t,’ he said. ‘How could you? All the years of guilt and shame, trying to find ways to hide it, hide
from
it so that I could carry on with the rest of
my life – the worthwhile part. I told myself, when it all got too much, that at least on balance the good I was doing might outweigh my weakness.’
‘And did you believe that?’
‘Yes, I did,’ he replied. ‘I do believe that, on the whole, Lizzie, I am – if not a good man – not a bad one either.’ He paused. ‘I think I’m a
good father – at least I hope I am.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Of course you are.’
She had realized later that she had still been in a state of shock at that point, that, as she’d sat there listening to him that morning, a part of her had been horribly fascinated by the
self-abasement of a man who’d always seemed so controlled and dignified.
‘I need you, Lizzie,’ he told her. ‘I need you so badly. If I still have you, I can go on with my work, caring for my patients, helping the charity.’
‘And if I leave you, all that stops? Is that what you’d have me believe?’
‘If you leave me,’ Christopher answered quietly, ‘then yes, I do think all the rest might have to stop.’ He paused. ‘I honestly don’t think I could go on
without you. Believe me or don’t, but it’s the truth.’
She had said nothing for a long time.
‘If I stay,’ she said at last, ‘will you agree to be treated?’
‘Anything.’
‘I don’t want
anything
,’ Lizzie had said quite violently. ‘I want your word that you will seek treatment – now, right away – and that you will never,
ever abuse me or any
other
woman in any way again. Because otherwise, I shall most certainly leave you and take our sons, and nothing you say or do will stop me.’
She stopped, and he waited for a moment.
‘Well?’ she said.
‘Is that all?’ he asked.
‘Yes. That’s all.’
‘You have my word,’ he said.
She stood up at last, her legs weak, looked down at him. ‘I’m doing this for Edward and Jack,’ she said. ‘Giving you this chance. Because you’re right about that,
at least. You are – have been – a good father.’
‘Thank you.’ Christopher reached out and caught her hand, held it, his own fingers cold. ‘You won’t regret it.’
‘I hope not.’ Lizzie had paused. ‘Now please let go of me.’
He let her hand go. ‘I thought—’
‘I don’t want you touching me,’ she said. ‘Not when we’re alone. Not till I know I can trust you again. Which may never happen, Christopher.’
A little of the gratitude had left his eyes then, pushed out by an unmistakable tinge of resentment. ‘I didn’t know you had such a hard side, Lizzie.’
‘Then
need
strikes him. If it weren’t so appalling, I think I’d
laugh.’
‘Please don’t laugh at me, Lizzie.’ Christopher was on his feet again, beseeching her. ‘Or rather,
do
laugh at me, do whatever you feel like. Just don’t talk
about leaving me.’
‘Why would I stay? How
can
I stay?’
‘To help your husband,’ he said. ‘The father of your children.’
He had sat down again, had told her that he loved them all utterly and completely, that they were everything to him. He said that he couldn’t face life without her, and when she told him,
in disgust, that he was being pathetic, he admitted that he supposed he was exactly that, that he was both ridiculous and very weak.
‘That’s a hard thing for a man like myself to admit, Lizzie.’
She didn’t speak.
‘I’ve had these needs,’ Christopher had gone on, ‘for more years than I can remember. I’ve tried stopping, believe me, but that never lasts for long.’
He’d paused. ‘It’s a form of addiction.’
‘Is that a diagnosis?’ Lizzie asked wryly.
‘It is.’
‘You’ve seen someone about it?’ She was very cool.
‘Once,’ he answered. ‘A long time ago.’
‘Why only once?’
‘It was too humiliating for me.’
‘I see.’
‘No, you don’t,’ he said. ‘How could you? All the years of guilt and shame, trying to find ways to hide it, hide
from
it so that I could carry on with the rest of
my life – the worthwhile part. I told myself, when it all got too much, that at least on balance the good I was doing might outweigh my weakness.’
‘And did you believe that?’
‘Yes, I did,’ he replied. ‘I do believe that, on the whole, Lizzie, I am – if not a good man – not a bad one either.’ He paused. ‘I think I’m a
good father – at least I hope I am.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Of course you are.’
She had realized later that she had still been in a state of shock at that point, that, as she’d sat there listening to him that morning, a part of her had been horribly fascinated by the
self-abasement of a man who’d always seemed so controlled and dignified.
‘I need you, Lizzie,’ he told her. ‘I need you so badly. If I still have you, I can go on with my work, caring for my patients, helping the charity.’
‘And if I leave you, all that stops? Is that what you’d have me believe?’
‘If you leave me,’ Christopher answered quietly, ‘then yes, I do think all the rest might have to stop.’ He paused. ‘I honestly don’t think I could go on
without you. Believe me or don’t, but it’s the truth.’
She had said nothing for a long time.
‘If I stay,’ she said at last, ‘will you agree to be treated?’
‘Anything.’
‘I don’t want
anything
,’ Lizzie had said quite violently. ‘I want your word that you will seek treatment – now, right away – and that you will never,
ever abuse me or any
other
woman in any way again. Because otherwise, I shall most certainly leave you and take our sons, and nothing you say or do will stop me.’
She stopped, and he waited for a moment.
‘Well?’ she said.
‘Is that all?’ he asked.
‘Yes. That’s all.’
‘You have my word,’ he said.
She stood up at last, her legs weak, looked down at him. ‘I’m doing this for Edward and Jack,’ she said. ‘Giving you this chance. Because you’re right about that,
at least. You are – have been – a good father.’
‘Thank you.’ Christopher reached out and caught her hand, held it, his own fingers cold. ‘You won’t regret it.’
‘I hope not.’ Lizzie had paused. ‘Now please let go of me.’
He let her hand go. ‘I thought—’
‘I don’t want you touching me,’ she said. ‘Not when we’re alone. Not till I know I can trust you again. Which may never happen, Christopher.’
A little of the gratitude had left his eyes then, pushed out by an unmistakable tinge of resentment. ‘I didn’t know you had such a hard side, Lizzie.’
‘Then
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