Read Online My Life and Other Massive Mistakes by Tristan Bancks - Free Book Online Page A

He even likes his dad’s. But how could Jack not be afraid of Mr Schmittz’s rear-end toxic-waste facility? Greenpeace should campaign to have it corked.
    â€˜Certainly, let’s see what you’ve got,’ says Mr Schmittz.
    Jack gives me a crooked grin, picks up his papier-mache volcano from the floor and walks up to the front of the classroom. I know Jack is going to say something funny about the smell and then Mr Schmittz will yell at us again. I can’t let this happen.
    Jack stands facing the class. I give him a warning look and he gently waves his hand towards his face to waft extra stench into his nostrils. Jonah Flem and Luca Kingsley snicker to my left, but I keep a straight face. Stella Holling makes a retching noise behind me and everyone turns to look at her.
    â€˜Is everything all right back there?’ MrSchmittz asks, his gold monocle slipping from his eye.
    â€˜Yes, Mr Schmittz,’ I say. ‘Everything’s fine.’
    Stella leans down beneath her desk with a bulging brown lunch bag to her lips. She wipes her mouth with her wrist.
    â€˜What’s going on?’ Mr Schmittz asks.
    â€˜Nothing, sir,’ I say, desperate not to rattle him.
    â€˜Mr Schmittz,’ Jack says.
    â€˜Yes?’
    â€˜Do you … smell anything?’
    Oh no. I hate Jack – I really do. How can he want to do this?
    â€˜No,’ Mr Schmittz says, turning to Jack. ‘Do you?’
    We all watch Jack, who looks at me with a hint of a smile. ‘Yes. Yes, I do,’ he says.
    Right on cue, Mr Schmittz lets one rip. It makes a gooey, runny sound. Mr Schmittzdoesn’t even seem to notice that he’s the one who produced the noise. Jack breathes deep, as if he’s on a meditation retreat, then launches into his presentation.
    â€˜I was going to demonstrate a live volcanic eruption, but…’
    â€˜Looks like you’ll need a match to light that wick,’ says Mr Schmittz.
    â€˜No, it’s okay,’ Jack tells him. ‘I don’t think we should light a match…’
    â€˜Of course we should,’ Mr Schmittz says, opening the desk drawer. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
    â€˜No!’ I call out. A spark right now could kill us all.
    â€˜I’m sorry? What was that?’ Mr Schmittz asks, digging around in the drawer, searching for matches.
    â€˜Me. Todd. I mean Tom,’ I say, standing from my seat. ‘I agree with Jack. I don’t think it’s a good idea to light a match.’
    â€˜Why ever not?’ asks Mr Schmittz.
    â€˜Well,’ I say. ‘Matches are dangerous and we should never play with matches.’
    â€˜But I’m an adult,’ he says, taking a matchbox from the drawer.
    â€˜And…’ says Jack, getting worried, too. ‘There’s a high fire danger today. It’s a total fire ban. I saw it on the news.’
    â€˜But it’s the middle of winter,’ Mr Schmittz says. ‘There’s a frost out there.’
    It does look kind of icy.
    â€˜Listen, Jeremy, if you haven’t done your assignment correctly, stalling isn’t going to stop me marking it. Let’s get on with your presentation,’ he says to Jack.
    â€˜But volcanoes are dangerous, Mr Schmittz!’ I blurt. ‘Remember Pompeii? And … and Krakatoa?’
    Mr Schmittz chuckles. ‘Jeremy’s volcano does look impressive, but I hardly think it’s going to burn the town down.’
    â€˜It’s Jack,’ Jack says.
    Mr Schmittz bends over to light the volcano and his bowels fail him again. It’s a low, mournful groan this time, like a dinosaur dying. It goes on for about seven seconds.
    That does it. Kids crack up. They can’t hold it in anymore. There are chortles, snorts and even a few guffaws. Mr Schmittz stands, his olive skin turning crimson with embarrassment. We’ve humiliated a 77-year-old man, our favourite teacher … and it’s all