seconds, making the entire scene even that much more pitiful.
“ Hey Mama,” I say. I stand behind her and start to rub her shoulders, but she feels too frail. I stop, afraid I’ll hurt her.
“ Are you hungry?” she asks.
“ No, Ma’am. I ate earlier,” I say.
Dad is silently staring down at his plate. I want to tell him that he needs to snap out of it. That he needs to be strong for Mom. But who am I to say that? I don’t know what I’d do if I were in his shoes. I’m having a hard enough time keeping it together. How can I expect my dad to? I push the trash down into the can and tie up the bag before putting a fresh one in. I glance into the sink, but there are no dirty dishes. No one is eating in this house. I sort of don’t know what to do. Several minutes pass and the ticking clock above the stove is the only noise in the room.
“ It sure was nice to see Delia and her mama tonight. It was so sweet of them to make the trip,” Mom says.
I long for the painful silence of just seconds ago.
“ Yep,” is all I have to offer.
“ Do you think she’ll be at the service in the morning?” Mom asks.
I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I didn’t have a chance to ask her before I left her earlier. Jesus, what if she shows up with her boyfriend? Nah, she wouldn’t do that. She’s got more class than to show up to a funeral with a date like it’s some society function.
“ No idea,” I say.
“ Did y’all talk about…how is she feeling?” Mom can’t bring herself to say the words. She never has been able to.
“ She’s good.”
“ Do you need me to press a shirt for you for tomorrow?” Mom asks.
“ No, Mama. I’ve got it under control.”
She nods. I should have said yes. The woman has no purpose right now. She yawns deeply and then lays her head down on the table top.
“ Tobin, I’d like you to say a few words about your brother tomorrow. It’d mean a lot to me,” Mom says. The thought of standing in front of a church full of people, talking about my dead brother makes me feel nauseous.
“ Ma, isn’t there someone else? Traive? Uncle James?” Someone. Anyone other than me?
“ He was your brother,” she says, like this is something that had never dawned on me before now. The use of past tense is a new thing, though.
Was. Will I ever get used to it?
“ Yes, Ma’am,” I say.
She makes an expression like she’s trying to smile, but it just won’t work, so it comes off looking more like a grimace.
“ Can I help you to bed?” She’s got to be able to sleep. The purple circles under her eyes are so deep they look painful.
“ I’ll do it,” Dad finally speaks. He pulls Mom’s chair out and helps her stand. He pats me on the shoulder before they hobble out of the kitchen and up the stairs, holding on to each other. Keeping each other moving forward. Keeping each other alive. I don’t know what that’s like. The last time I felt like I had someone depend on me like that, she up and bailed, quickly finding someone new to take care of her. I guess it wasn’t what I thought it was.
I contemplate what to do next. I know if I go upstairs, I’m going to have to listen to my mom cry herself to sleep like she’s done the last several nights. I don’t have anywhere to go and don’t really want to be around anyone, but I can’t stay here.
I grab my wallet out of the dish by the door and the keys to my truck and slip out into the dark.
THE FALL
The fall of a lifetime
The fall of a girl
The fall from her window
For a different world
The touch of a boy
Like she’d never had
But the way he left her
Made her sad
Was really bad
I suck. This is crap.
You said they wouldn’t all be good, and that it was okay.
I’m just not sure if I still believe you .
Ten Delia
I
Jamie Begley
Jane Hirshfield
Dennis Wheatley
Raven Scott
Stacey Kennedy
Keith Laumer
Aline Templeton
Sarah Mayberry
Jean-Marie Blas de Robles
Judith Pella