Read Online My First Love and Other Disasters by Francine Pascal - Free Book Online Page A

he’s going to cry. Just like that, the laughing jag disappears and I’m back in control. First thing I tell him is that I’m sorry and that I wasn’t laughing at him, I just wasn’t expecting anything like that and he threw me, and more “I’m sorry”s and “please forgive me”s and “I feel horrible,” but it’s like he didn’t hear anything, because when he turns back to me he’s really angry.
    â€œForget it. It’s my problem.” And he starts to walk away.
    â€œNo, wait,” I grab his arm. “I really am sorry. Please . . .”
    â€œI told you, forget it. It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have told you. What a jerk I was.” And I can see he’s really hurt. If I can love Jim without even knowing him, why can’t Barry love me? Then I think, suppose I told Jim and he laughed in my face . . . I think I’d just die. Oh, God, I feel horrible. He shakes my hand off his arm. I keep apologizing, but it’s too late.
    â€œDon’t tell me how you’re so sorry, just don’t tell me anything. I suppose you think it’s funny . . . well, it isn’t. It hurts. . . . It hurts a lot.” And while he’s still talking, he starts to walk away.
    â€œPlease, wait . . .”
    â€œGood-bye.”
    And he’s gone.
    I feel like a monster. I absolutely hate myself, and now I’m the one who feels like crying. I’m so ashamed.
    â€œI’m sorry . . .” DeeDee puts her arms around my leg and kisses my kneecaps, “I didn’t mean it. I’ll never do it again.”
    I bend down to ask her what she did, but all she does is shake her head and look as if she’s going to cry. Boy, we’re a great group today.
    I ask her again and this time she says she doesn’t know.
    â€œThen why are you sorry?” I ask.
    â€œBecause,” she says, “I don’t want you to cry.”
    Oh, God, she thinks I’m upset because of her. Naturally I hug her and tell her she had nothing to do with it and besides everything is fine now and I feel great. Funny, isn’t it? When you’re little like that you think everything that happens has to do with you. I can remember when I was really young, if I heard my parents arguing in their room I was always certain it was about me.
    We pick up the things from Cynthia’s list at the grocery and the drugstore and start back to the house.
    All the way home I can’t help but feel miserable about what happened with Barry. I swear I’m going to make it up to him somehow. I can’t love him, you know. If you don’t love someone you justcan’t make yourself. But at least I’ll show him that I appreciate the way he feels about me and that I understand and that it makes him really special to me . . . always. I’m absolutely going to spend the whole summer making it up to him. Not that I expect it to take the whole summer.
    Still, you have to realize that it’s only partly my fault that it worked out so bad. After all, that was a heavy thing to lay on someone, especially when they didn’t expect it at all. It’s not my fault he fell in love with me. I certainly didn’t make him do it. I didn’t even know he was doing it. Sure, I shouldn’t have laughed, but you take your chances when you spring something like that on someone you hardly know. And then the part about letting Jim think I was his girlfriend—that really bugs me. That was really gross of him—not that I’m saying what I did was right—still, he wasn’t so right himself.
    Even so, he’s really a pretty nice guy, and it would be nice to be his friend. Not only because of Jim, but because he’s definitely a nice person with a good sense of humor and cute and . . . I don’t know, he’s just a good type to have for a friend.
    On the way