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Authors: Rachel Bertsche
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office relationships separate from the real-life kind. In her book
Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives
, sociologist Jan Yager says coworkers should adhere to a “three-year rule,” taking that long to turn coworkers into friends. Even then, she says, you should keep the relationships casual.
Three years? That’s absurd. That’s about how long I stay in any one job. We live in a world of high employee turnover, so why make office friends at all if you’re going to leave by the time the relationship is established? And how do you time that, anyway? If I say five words to my cube neighbor every day, it will be just enough to make us buddy-buddy in three years? That’s crazy talk.
Personally, I side with author Tom Rath. He’s the Global Practice Leader for Gallup (you know, the company that conducts all those polls). His book,
Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without
celebrates the office BFF. Thenumbers he presents are staggering. Rath’s research found that while only 30 percent of employees report having a best friend at work, most people would opt for an office bestie over a 10 percent raise. And the lucky employees who do have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their jobs.
I believe it. If I had no officemates to make me laugh or with whom to talk celebrity gossip when I need a break, I would have checked out long ago.
Most of the existing research focuses on how office friendships affect the productivity of the workplace, but I’m not worried about my department’s well-being. I’m worried about my own. Rath says people with three or more friends at work are 96 percent more likely to be satisfied with their lives. That’s no small thing. There’s little information out there about how to transition a work-friendship into a real-life one (only 20 percent of employees ever do), but I know plenty of women who’ve made it work. “Lost is the generation that didn’t mix business with pleasure,” one friend tells me when I ask for advice. “Once I realized I worked with girls who were my age and were also going out most weekends, we’d all go out, text each other, and ultimately meet up (a few drinks helps). You just have to be up for anything, anytime and put yourself out there.”
The more people I ask, the more I’m told the same thing. Start with something small or group-oriented, then jump in. “If you really enjoy the person’s company, you just have to go for it,” my college roommate says. “Be aggressive about it.”
But not too aggressive, I note. To elevate work-friends to the next level, text messaging seems to be the communication method of choice. Phone calls bring up all sorts of unnecessary small talk, plus the possibility of getting screened if she thinks you could be calling about work.
I’ve compiled a work-to-life friend playbook:
1. Ask potential friend(s) out for after-work drinks. Keeping it on a weekday seems less invasive of her personal time, but gives you a chance to establish your off-hours relationship. A few drinks help clear the cloud of professionalism that might be looming.
2. If it still feels too soon for one-on-one time, plan a group outing. A friend of mine says the women in her office do a “Tour de Brunch,” once every couple of months. It makes for a slow transition, but, you know, slow and steady and all that …
3. If bi-monthly group dates are getting old, go for the text message. Take matters into your own hands. Try, “Doing anything fun tonight? Want to meet up?” In the worst-case scenario, you don’t hear back. No biggie. It’ll at least get the ball rolling. If you’re office friends, it’s likely she’s just as happy as you are to take it beyond Big Brother’s walls.
As for my big transition, the whole night is easy.
About halfway through dinner, talk turns to standard 9-to-5 gripes—late hours, frustrating
Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives
, sociologist Jan Yager says coworkers should adhere to a “three-year rule,” taking that long to turn coworkers into friends. Even then, she says, you should keep the relationships casual.
Three years? That’s absurd. That’s about how long I stay in any one job. We live in a world of high employee turnover, so why make office friends at all if you’re going to leave by the time the relationship is established? And how do you time that, anyway? If I say five words to my cube neighbor every day, it will be just enough to make us buddy-buddy in three years? That’s crazy talk.
Personally, I side with author Tom Rath. He’s the Global Practice Leader for Gallup (you know, the company that conducts all those polls). His book,
Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without
celebrates the office BFF. Thenumbers he presents are staggering. Rath’s research found that while only 30 percent of employees report having a best friend at work, most people would opt for an office bestie over a 10 percent raise. And the lucky employees who do have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged in their jobs.
I believe it. If I had no officemates to make me laugh or with whom to talk celebrity gossip when I need a break, I would have checked out long ago.
Most of the existing research focuses on how office friendships affect the productivity of the workplace, but I’m not worried about my department’s well-being. I’m worried about my own. Rath says people with three or more friends at work are 96 percent more likely to be satisfied with their lives. That’s no small thing. There’s little information out there about how to transition a work-friendship into a real-life one (only 20 percent of employees ever do), but I know plenty of women who’ve made it work. “Lost is the generation that didn’t mix business with pleasure,” one friend tells me when I ask for advice. “Once I realized I worked with girls who were my age and were also going out most weekends, we’d all go out, text each other, and ultimately meet up (a few drinks helps). You just have to be up for anything, anytime and put yourself out there.”
The more people I ask, the more I’m told the same thing. Start with something small or group-oriented, then jump in. “If you really enjoy the person’s company, you just have to go for it,” my college roommate says. “Be aggressive about it.”
But not too aggressive, I note. To elevate work-friends to the next level, text messaging seems to be the communication method of choice. Phone calls bring up all sorts of unnecessary small talk, plus the possibility of getting screened if she thinks you could be calling about work.
I’ve compiled a work-to-life friend playbook:
1. Ask potential friend(s) out for after-work drinks. Keeping it on a weekday seems less invasive of her personal time, but gives you a chance to establish your off-hours relationship. A few drinks help clear the cloud of professionalism that might be looming.
2. If it still feels too soon for one-on-one time, plan a group outing. A friend of mine says the women in her office do a “Tour de Brunch,” once every couple of months. It makes for a slow transition, but, you know, slow and steady and all that …
3. If bi-monthly group dates are getting old, go for the text message. Take matters into your own hands. Try, “Doing anything fun tonight? Want to meet up?” In the worst-case scenario, you don’t hear back. No biggie. It’ll at least get the ball rolling. If you’re office friends, it’s likely she’s just as happy as you are to take it beyond Big Brother’s walls.
As for my big transition, the whole night is easy.
About halfway through dinner, talk turns to standard 9-to-5 gripes—late hours, frustrating
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