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Authors: Kathryn Erskine
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lot except I don’t call him Devon anymore. I call him Devon-who-is-dead. I say it until Dad asks me to stop.
But that’s his name.
No. His name is Devon.
No. His name WAS Devon. Now it’s Devon-who-is-dead. That’s different from the other Devon. That Devon was alive and you thought I was confused but I’m not because I know that Devon is dead and that’s why I’m calling him Devon-who-is-dead and you’ll get used to it.
No I won’t. I’ll feel like crying every time you say it.
Even if I say it fifty times?
Yes.
Even a hundred times?
Yes.
Even a thousand times?
Caitlin. I get upset even thinking about it so I’ll definitely feel like crying every time you say it.
I’m only saying it because you’re upset that I think Devon is still alive so I’m showing you I Get It that Devon is dead.
Dad shakes his head and leaves the living room.
I stare at the chest and wish for the millionth time that Devon were here because even when I try to Get It I still don’t Get It.
CHAPTER 18
A PLAN FOR HEALING
MICHAEL IS RIGHT. WE ARE DOING reading buddies. When my class walks into the library Michael’s class is already sitting in a circle on the floor crisscross-applesauce. We open and close our hands three times to each other. It’s our special wave. He’s grinning so much it reminds me to smile.
Mrs. Brook is there too and she’s also smiling. Hi Caitlin.
I start shaking my hands. It’s not Mrs. Brook time yet. I have to read to Michael.
Her smile goes away too. Actually we’re pairing Michael and Josh up.
I Look At The Person. Why? He’s evil!
Josh stands up and stares at me. He blinks fast and sits down again.
Shhh! Caitlin! Mrs. Brook whispers. That’s not nice.
I wasn’t talking about Michael, I tell her.
I realize that. She is still whispering.
You are making a mistake.
We’re . . . She smiles. We’re working on Closure here.
I look around the room. Where is it? Because that’s what I’m working on and I’d like to see it.
She takes me out into the hall and explains that Josh is going through a lot right now too just like Michael and me. And that Josh needs to see that not everyone’s mad at him and Michael needs to see that Josh can be a very nice boy. I call it a Plan for Healing, she says.
I Look At The Person. A Plan for Healing is a stupid plan because Josh cannot be a very nice boy. Haven’t you seen him push people off the monkey bars? Do you know what he says to people?
I do. And none of that is okay. But he has been getting counseling too and we’re working through his hurt so he can get to Closure.
What about ME? I’M the one who wants Closure!
Part of your Plan for Healing is to make friends. Right?
I AM making friends and now you’re giving him to Josh!
You can both be friends with the same person.
She doesn’t Get It. Michael is MY friend. I want to be the one who reads to him!
You can read to him during recess or other times but for our once-a-week reading buddies it’s going to be Josh and Michael.
The rest of the stupid reading buddies time is a blur. I know I read really LOUD so Michael can hear me reading to HIM even though I am at the other end of the library. I know that the stupid little girl I’m reading to starts crying because she says I’m yelling at her which I’m not. If the book says STOP! then that’s how you should read it. Especially if Michael is sitting next to Josh and especially if Josh is giving Michael a high five and ESPECIALLY if Michael and Josh are giggling together. And I know Mrs. Brook takes me out of the library early but not before I see Michael looking at me with his big Bambi eyes and giving me our special wave.
At home I go to my hidey-hole in Devon’s room. I take his piece of notebook paper with me. The one that says EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT. The one with the list of supplies for his chest. The one that says he’s going to teach me. I stare at the list trying to find Closure. I keep hoping that somehow
But that’s his name.
No. His name is Devon.
No. His name WAS Devon. Now it’s Devon-who-is-dead. That’s different from the other Devon. That Devon was alive and you thought I was confused but I’m not because I know that Devon is dead and that’s why I’m calling him Devon-who-is-dead and you’ll get used to it.
No I won’t. I’ll feel like crying every time you say it.
Even if I say it fifty times?
Yes.
Even a hundred times?
Yes.
Even a thousand times?
Caitlin. I get upset even thinking about it so I’ll definitely feel like crying every time you say it.
I’m only saying it because you’re upset that I think Devon is still alive so I’m showing you I Get It that Devon is dead.
Dad shakes his head and leaves the living room.
I stare at the chest and wish for the millionth time that Devon were here because even when I try to Get It I still don’t Get It.
CHAPTER 18
A PLAN FOR HEALING
MICHAEL IS RIGHT. WE ARE DOING reading buddies. When my class walks into the library Michael’s class is already sitting in a circle on the floor crisscross-applesauce. We open and close our hands three times to each other. It’s our special wave. He’s grinning so much it reminds me to smile.
Mrs. Brook is there too and she’s also smiling. Hi Caitlin.
I start shaking my hands. It’s not Mrs. Brook time yet. I have to read to Michael.
Her smile goes away too. Actually we’re pairing Michael and Josh up.
I Look At The Person. Why? He’s evil!
Josh stands up and stares at me. He blinks fast and sits down again.
Shhh! Caitlin! Mrs. Brook whispers. That’s not nice.
I wasn’t talking about Michael, I tell her.
I realize that. She is still whispering.
You are making a mistake.
We’re . . . She smiles. We’re working on Closure here.
I look around the room. Where is it? Because that’s what I’m working on and I’d like to see it.
She takes me out into the hall and explains that Josh is going through a lot right now too just like Michael and me. And that Josh needs to see that not everyone’s mad at him and Michael needs to see that Josh can be a very nice boy. I call it a Plan for Healing, she says.
I Look At The Person. A Plan for Healing is a stupid plan because Josh cannot be a very nice boy. Haven’t you seen him push people off the monkey bars? Do you know what he says to people?
I do. And none of that is okay. But he has been getting counseling too and we’re working through his hurt so he can get to Closure.
What about ME? I’M the one who wants Closure!
Part of your Plan for Healing is to make friends. Right?
I AM making friends and now you’re giving him to Josh!
You can both be friends with the same person.
She doesn’t Get It. Michael is MY friend. I want to be the one who reads to him!
You can read to him during recess or other times but for our once-a-week reading buddies it’s going to be Josh and Michael.
The rest of the stupid reading buddies time is a blur. I know I read really LOUD so Michael can hear me reading to HIM even though I am at the other end of the library. I know that the stupid little girl I’m reading to starts crying because she says I’m yelling at her which I’m not. If the book says STOP! then that’s how you should read it. Especially if Michael is sitting next to Josh and especially if Josh is giving Michael a high five and ESPECIALLY if Michael and Josh are giggling together. And I know Mrs. Brook takes me out of the library early but not before I see Michael looking at me with his big Bambi eyes and giving me our special wave.
At home I go to my hidey-hole in Devon’s room. I take his piece of notebook paper with me. The one that says EAGLE SCOUT PROJECT. The one with the list of supplies for his chest. The one that says he’s going to teach me. I stare at the list trying to find Closure. I keep hoping that somehow
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