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Authors: Mark Helprin
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and I know whereof I speak. That people actually drink this substance is one of the world's continuing tragedies, a pitiable opera of madness and self-immolation."
I was astonished, and pleased of course. He went on. "A careful consideration of its chemical components shows why. Have you taken organic chemistry?"
"I don't know what it is. I haven't even started high school."
"Regardless of your academic progress, coffee, when steeped for more than a minute at or above ninety-five degrees centigrade, leaches tri-oxitan methyl parasorcinate, loxiphenyl-metasolicitous, oxipalmate dendrabucephalous chloride, indo-crapitus paraben, sulfuro-hydrogelous-exipon, moxibobulous-3 toxitol, and benzene esters of noquitol-soxitan.
"Studies have shown that any of the de-ionized loxiphenyls is highly carcinogenic in the presence of a saturated oxitan. Even minimal exposure to the sulfuro-hydrogelous-exipons almost invariably causes cardiac atomatoxsis and aggravated renal palagromia."
"Are you mocking me?" I asked.
"Perhaps a little," he answered, "but certainly we have no coffee here. I detest coffee. I understand fully what drove you to do what you did, and will make no attempt to rid you of your anger and disgust. You
don't
have to live in the world. What they say when they want to drive the truth from the soul of an honest man is,
You have to live in the world.
Well, you don't. You can live in a place like this, you can live alone in nature, you can rise so high that nobody will dare make or drink a cup of coffee in your presence, you can kill yourself, or you can sleep.... One thing is sure. You simply do not have to adjust to that filthy, horrendous, addictive bean that has created a population of slaves spread throughout every part of the globe.
"Not, anyway, for the next four years. These will be your anchor years. You'll remember them as years of freedom, responsibility, agonizingly hard work, love, and revelation."
"You mean I won't be going to school?"
"Your education will be entrusted to God, your own curiosity, and Father Bromeus."
"Who's that?"
"He takes care of the cows, and is the drillmaster."
"What do you mean, 'the drillmaster'?"
"Most people here are adults. We can't afford to train the adolescents in all the academic subjects they require, and yet by cantonal law you must present yourself every now and then for examinations in French, German, and Italian, in history, physics, mathematics, chemistry, botany, the history of the destructiveness of coffee, and other things."
"How do you go about that," I interrupted, "without a system of education? I don't speak those languages. I'm terrible at mathematics. How is one supposed to learn chemistry without a laboratory?"
"Don't worry a bit. We have designed our own educational system, and it works. I thought of it myself after I visited the United States in 1910 and watched a game of baseball.
"What you call the
pitchers
were practicing along the sidelines. Well, being a man of science, I leaned over the rail and asked, 'Do you always practice with the same-sized ball?' In fact, they did, or at least they said they did. 'Why?' I inquired. 'Why not?' they inquired back.
"I then told them that it was obvious in regard to physics and physiology that they would enormously improve their performance if they practiced with balls of radically different sizesâa pea-sized pebble on the one hand, and a soccer ball on the other. The difficulties and exertions of doing so would make them champions with a ball tailored for the fist and of the proper weight and density for throwing.
"I don't know if they followed my system, but we do, as you shall see. By the way, do you play an instrument?"
"No."
"She does."
"Who is
she
" I asked.
"She is here because of her abhorrence of grasshoppers."
"Aren't there grasshoppers in the fields?"
"Not at this altitude."
"Where did she come from that she abhors grasshoppers?"
"Paris. They have lots of grasshoppers in Paris."
"I
I was astonished, and pleased of course. He went on. "A careful consideration of its chemical components shows why. Have you taken organic chemistry?"
"I don't know what it is. I haven't even started high school."
"Regardless of your academic progress, coffee, when steeped for more than a minute at or above ninety-five degrees centigrade, leaches tri-oxitan methyl parasorcinate, loxiphenyl-metasolicitous, oxipalmate dendrabucephalous chloride, indo-crapitus paraben, sulfuro-hydrogelous-exipon, moxibobulous-3 toxitol, and benzene esters of noquitol-soxitan.
"Studies have shown that any of the de-ionized loxiphenyls is highly carcinogenic in the presence of a saturated oxitan. Even minimal exposure to the sulfuro-hydrogelous-exipons almost invariably causes cardiac atomatoxsis and aggravated renal palagromia."
"Are you mocking me?" I asked.
"Perhaps a little," he answered, "but certainly we have no coffee here. I detest coffee. I understand fully what drove you to do what you did, and will make no attempt to rid you of your anger and disgust. You
don't
have to live in the world. What they say when they want to drive the truth from the soul of an honest man is,
You have to live in the world.
Well, you don't. You can live in a place like this, you can live alone in nature, you can rise so high that nobody will dare make or drink a cup of coffee in your presence, you can kill yourself, or you can sleep.... One thing is sure. You simply do not have to adjust to that filthy, horrendous, addictive bean that has created a population of slaves spread throughout every part of the globe.
"Not, anyway, for the next four years. These will be your anchor years. You'll remember them as years of freedom, responsibility, agonizingly hard work, love, and revelation."
"You mean I won't be going to school?"
"Your education will be entrusted to God, your own curiosity, and Father Bromeus."
"Who's that?"
"He takes care of the cows, and is the drillmaster."
"What do you mean, 'the drillmaster'?"
"Most people here are adults. We can't afford to train the adolescents in all the academic subjects they require, and yet by cantonal law you must present yourself every now and then for examinations in French, German, and Italian, in history, physics, mathematics, chemistry, botany, the history of the destructiveness of coffee, and other things."
"How do you go about that," I interrupted, "without a system of education? I don't speak those languages. I'm terrible at mathematics. How is one supposed to learn chemistry without a laboratory?"
"Don't worry a bit. We have designed our own educational system, and it works. I thought of it myself after I visited the United States in 1910 and watched a game of baseball.
"What you call the
pitchers
were practicing along the sidelines. Well, being a man of science, I leaned over the rail and asked, 'Do you always practice with the same-sized ball?' In fact, they did, or at least they said they did. 'Why?' I inquired. 'Why not?' they inquired back.
"I then told them that it was obvious in regard to physics and physiology that they would enormously improve their performance if they practiced with balls of radically different sizesâa pea-sized pebble on the one hand, and a soccer ball on the other. The difficulties and exertions of doing so would make them champions with a ball tailored for the fist and of the proper weight and density for throwing.
"I don't know if they followed my system, but we do, as you shall see. By the way, do you play an instrument?"
"No."
"She does."
"Who is
she
" I asked.
"She is here because of her abhorrence of grasshoppers."
"Aren't there grasshoppers in the fields?"
"Not at this altitude."
"Where did she come from that she abhors grasshoppers?"
"Paris. They have lots of grasshoppers in Paris."
"I
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