shirt. I tried to ignore the feeling, but the more I tried to block it out, the more I could feel my shirt sticking to my skin. Within seconds, I went from comforting Ivy, to an intense desire to find comfort of my own. My own painful thoughts swarmed around me and I felt myself unable to push them back deep within. Why was I having such a hard time controlling this?
She must have sensed it, my building panic, because she pulled back and looked at me. Her hands held both sides of my face as she forced me to keep eye contact with her. “Breathe with me,” she said softly as she began to take exaggerated breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. It wasn’t until I began mimicking her actions—it was either that or pass out—before I realized what she was doing. By following her lead and taking in a deep breath through my nose, and then releasing it between my lips, I felt relief as my lungs finally expanded.
“What the hell?” I asked out loud, not specifically to her.
“A panic attack,” she answered as if I hadn’t already known what it was.
I hadn’t had a panic attack since I was a kid. There was no reason as to why I had one then. The look in her eyes told me she thought it was because of what she confessed. But I knew it wasn’t. At least I didn’t think it was. All I knew was that I had to get out of the heat of the sun. I had to find a cool place to go.
“I think maybe we’ve had enough for today,” I said, standing up and avoiding her gaze.
“No. I don’t want to be done for the day. I’ve told you more than I’ve ever been able to tell anyone, including the long line of shrinks I was forced to see for most of my life. I need you to fix me. Please, don’t abandon me right after I told you all of that.” She was almost hysterical as she pleaded with me. It was hard to see her so desperate and vulnerable, showing her obvious fear of abandonment.
“I don’t know how smart it would be for us to continue.” Did I mean for now or forever? Did I mean smart for her or for me? I didn’t know. All I knew was that it was not in my best interest to be around her. The need to escape her presence was so great, but at the same time, I also knew that I wanted to be around her. I was clearly confused.
“Why? Because you had a freak out? It was a panic attack. I have them all the time. You seem to be a caring man. It seems as though you care for your patients. You want to help them and you are interested in their success as much if not more than they are. And that includes me. I don’t look at you any differently for letting my fucked up past affect you in that way. It merely shows you care. Please, don’t give up on me yet.”
There were so many things flooding my head at the very moment. Her words—so desperate and frantic, pleading with me not to walk away—affected me in a way that made me want to never leave her. She was right about that. It would have done her more harm than good if I dismissed her after making her tell me something so horrific. That was the only thing she had said that held any truth. Aside from that, I could still feel the fabric of my shirt clinging to my skin, suffocating me. The heat in the air that hadn’t been noticed until that moment surrounded me, sucking me in, and making my stomach turn. Darkness started to take hold of my eyes and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would fall to the ground. It had only happened once before, but I knew it was happening again.
“I have to get out of here,” I stuttered as I moved to get away.
I felt my feet drag on the grass and I knew I was swaying my steps like a drunkard. It didn’t matter to me, though. I only cared about one thing, finding air—cool, clean air. The need to find an escape was so great it overwhelmed me. I felt desperate for it. Ivy was witnessing my breaking point, and I was sure she would come to her own conclusions about me, making it easier to break off the client/patient
She must have sensed it, my building panic, because she pulled back and looked at me. Her hands held both sides of my face as she forced me to keep eye contact with her. “Breathe with me,” she said softly as she began to take exaggerated breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. It wasn’t until I began mimicking her actions—it was either that or pass out—before I realized what she was doing. By following her lead and taking in a deep breath through my nose, and then releasing it between my lips, I felt relief as my lungs finally expanded.
“What the hell?” I asked out loud, not specifically to her.
“A panic attack,” she answered as if I hadn’t already known what it was.
I hadn’t had a panic attack since I was a kid. There was no reason as to why I had one then. The look in her eyes told me she thought it was because of what she confessed. But I knew it wasn’t. At least I didn’t think it was. All I knew was that I had to get out of the heat of the sun. I had to find a cool place to go.
“I think maybe we’ve had enough for today,” I said, standing up and avoiding her gaze.
“No. I don’t want to be done for the day. I’ve told you more than I’ve ever been able to tell anyone, including the long line of shrinks I was forced to see for most of my life. I need you to fix me. Please, don’t abandon me right after I told you all of that.” She was almost hysterical as she pleaded with me. It was hard to see her so desperate and vulnerable, showing her obvious fear of abandonment.
“I don’t know how smart it would be for us to continue.” Did I mean for now or forever? Did I mean smart for her or for me? I didn’t know. All I knew was that it was not in my best interest to be around her. The need to escape her presence was so great, but at the same time, I also knew that I wanted to be around her. I was clearly confused.
“Why? Because you had a freak out? It was a panic attack. I have them all the time. You seem to be a caring man. It seems as though you care for your patients. You want to help them and you are interested in their success as much if not more than they are. And that includes me. I don’t look at you any differently for letting my fucked up past affect you in that way. It merely shows you care. Please, don’t give up on me yet.”
There were so many things flooding my head at the very moment. Her words—so desperate and frantic, pleading with me not to walk away—affected me in a way that made me want to never leave her. She was right about that. It would have done her more harm than good if I dismissed her after making her tell me something so horrific. That was the only thing she had said that held any truth. Aside from that, I could still feel the fabric of my shirt clinging to my skin, suffocating me. The heat in the air that hadn’t been noticed until that moment surrounded me, sucking me in, and making my stomach turn. Darkness started to take hold of my eyes and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would fall to the ground. It had only happened once before, but I knew it was happening again.
“I have to get out of here,” I stuttered as I moved to get away.
I felt my feet drag on the grass and I knew I was swaying my steps like a drunkard. It didn’t matter to me, though. I only cared about one thing, finding air—cool, clean air. The need to find an escape was so great it overwhelmed me. I felt desperate for it. Ivy was witnessing my breaking point, and I was sure she would come to her own conclusions about me, making it easier to break off the client/patient
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