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Authors: Anya Monroe
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you.”
Why am I doing this?
Why am I answering these questions?
The ones Terry has been asking
for two years?
“It doesn’t make it any easier, though, Ms. Francine. I’ve been undone in a thousand ways. I’m not going to be whole again in a day.”
“Do you think you can ever be whole again?” she asks.
“I hope so,” I admit.
I open my eyes.
Allowing
her
to
make
contact.
88.
“So let me get this straight, she actually offered you a job?”
I look at Jess, sitting so close
to Markus you could start a fire
and I don’t think a match will be
required.
“Yeah. I start this weekend. You know with the holidays and all.”
I try and sound casual,
like this is a normal thing
not a dream gig
for a high school kid.
Markus whistles.
“Man, you’re so lucky. My parents keep bitching at me to get a job. But all the jobs at the mall suck. But to work at 6-Spot Records? Killer.”
I smile.
Liking how it feels
when someone is
impressed with me
the place I’m going to be
working.
“So, you’re basically going be too busy for me all of Christmas break?” Jess pouts.
But I doubt
her sincerity.
“I think you’ll be fine without me.”
I stand up and throw my trash away
look back at them and say:
“You’ve got each other.”
And for the first time
in a long, long
time
I’m okay to be doing
something
new
because I know I won’t be
alone.
89.
I feel
like a fish out of water
or however the saying goes
when you’re
the only person who
has a question.
And the asking is terrifying
but not asking
is worse because then you’re going to
be stuck looking stupid
when you pretend you know
what the hell you are doing.
Not to mention the music blares at
a million decimals (is that what it’s called?)
the entire shift where I’m
“In Training”
obliterating
whatever it is I am
supposed to be doing.
Margot comes over to me
always saying something nice
like, “Isn’t Toby the best?”
Toby’s my supervisor,
the one teaching me what button to push
and what shelf to stock
and where to take out the trash
what door to lock.
My head spins.
And not just at the influx of information
but also the assimilation to
the fact that everyone around me
looks album cover cool.
Toby?
God. He’s a cross between
Hipster-everything
and I-don’t-care-about-anything
and eyes so fucking blue
they will sear into your memory.
I sit down to take my first break of the day.
Finally a chance to let myself cool
down in the afternoon lull.
Ms. F packed me a granola bar and an apple.
I’m thinking more like Snickers and Snapple.
Margot comes into the back room
fast
goes right past
Toby
and comes to me.
“Louisa, there’s been an emergency. You need to get your things, Francine will be here in a minute for you.”
Her eyes scan mine.
I turn away
my instincts run strong
deep down and long.
“Louisa, can I help you get your coat? Did you bring anything else?”
I guess I’m frozen in place
and looking like a nut case
because Toby is helping Margot put my coat over my shoulders
and I am still trying to find words that are stuck in
my throat.
I grab for Margot when I feel a word
lodged between thought and sound
lost and found.
“Benji?”
She nods her head.
My heart drops.
90.
The hospital is just like it seems
in TV shows.
A recreated safety zone.
I always find myself
in the gray,
but here it’s all white
and big bright lights.
I like the idea of that,
all that white.
But white is scary, all I’ve ever known is
cloudy and muddled
dark storm brewing nights.
I know nothing about clear sky days.
Snow started dumping on our drive
over.
All white on the road
and wouldn’t you know, snow’s what Ms. F
fears the most.
She said so as her hands clenched the
steering wheel,
snowflake
Why am I doing this?
Why am I answering these questions?
The ones Terry has been asking
for two years?
“It doesn’t make it any easier, though, Ms. Francine. I’ve been undone in a thousand ways. I’m not going to be whole again in a day.”
“Do you think you can ever be whole again?” she asks.
“I hope so,” I admit.
I open my eyes.
Allowing
her
to
make
contact.
88.
“So let me get this straight, she actually offered you a job?”
I look at Jess, sitting so close
to Markus you could start a fire
and I don’t think a match will be
required.
“Yeah. I start this weekend. You know with the holidays and all.”
I try and sound casual,
like this is a normal thing
not a dream gig
for a high school kid.
Markus whistles.
“Man, you’re so lucky. My parents keep bitching at me to get a job. But all the jobs at the mall suck. But to work at 6-Spot Records? Killer.”
I smile.
Liking how it feels
when someone is
impressed with me
the place I’m going to be
working.
“So, you’re basically going be too busy for me all of Christmas break?” Jess pouts.
But I doubt
her sincerity.
“I think you’ll be fine without me.”
I stand up and throw my trash away
look back at them and say:
“You’ve got each other.”
And for the first time
in a long, long
time
I’m okay to be doing
something
new
because I know I won’t be
alone.
89.
I feel
like a fish out of water
or however the saying goes
when you’re
the only person who
has a question.
And the asking is terrifying
but not asking
is worse because then you’re going to
be stuck looking stupid
when you pretend you know
what the hell you are doing.
Not to mention the music blares at
a million decimals (is that what it’s called?)
the entire shift where I’m
“In Training”
obliterating
whatever it is I am
supposed to be doing.
Margot comes over to me
always saying something nice
like, “Isn’t Toby the best?”
Toby’s my supervisor,
the one teaching me what button to push
and what shelf to stock
and where to take out the trash
what door to lock.
My head spins.
And not just at the influx of information
but also the assimilation to
the fact that everyone around me
looks album cover cool.
Toby?
God. He’s a cross between
Hipster-everything
and I-don’t-care-about-anything
and eyes so fucking blue
they will sear into your memory.
I sit down to take my first break of the day.
Finally a chance to let myself cool
down in the afternoon lull.
Ms. F packed me a granola bar and an apple.
I’m thinking more like Snickers and Snapple.
Margot comes into the back room
fast
goes right past
Toby
and comes to me.
“Louisa, there’s been an emergency. You need to get your things, Francine will be here in a minute for you.”
Her eyes scan mine.
I turn away
my instincts run strong
deep down and long.
“Louisa, can I help you get your coat? Did you bring anything else?”
I guess I’m frozen in place
and looking like a nut case
because Toby is helping Margot put my coat over my shoulders
and I am still trying to find words that are stuck in
my throat.
I grab for Margot when I feel a word
lodged between thought and sound
lost and found.
“Benji?”
She nods her head.
My heart drops.
90.
The hospital is just like it seems
in TV shows.
A recreated safety zone.
I always find myself
in the gray,
but here it’s all white
and big bright lights.
I like the idea of that,
all that white.
But white is scary, all I’ve ever known is
cloudy and muddled
dark storm brewing nights.
I know nothing about clear sky days.
Snow started dumping on our drive
over.
All white on the road
and wouldn’t you know, snow’s what Ms. F
fears the most.
She said so as her hands clenched the
steering wheel,
snowflake
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