Read Online Lost in the Forest by Sue Miller - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Sue Miller
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stairs and yelled, “If I have to come up there, someone’s going to be very sorry.” In those days, they often spoke together openly and clearly about the central complexity in their lives: having two fathers. Lying next to each other, their disembodied voices rising in the dark, they would list all the ways in which each one—Mark or John—was unconvincing. Fake , they called it.
Mark was too young, they said, though they knew he was only about five years younger than John. But John was much more grown up. Realer .
Daisy couldn’t have said what she meant by this. It had to do with a quality she later understood as a kind of attentiveness John had, a focus—on you, on what you said, on what you thought. Daisy knew, even then, that she loved John, that she loved him more than she loved Eva, maybe more than she loved Emily. She wasn’t sure about Mark.
What Emily meant—what she said she meant—was that Mark didn’t have the right clothes for a father, or the right car, that he let them get away with stuff, that he took them out to dinner too much when they were at his house. He was disorganized where they were concerned, Emily said. All these things were fake .
Her voice in the dark sounded strict, sounded correct to Daisy, as it always did. At this stage in their lives together, Emily made the rules for Daisy, and Daisy believed she was incapable of error.
They both agreed, on the other hand, that John was too polite to them. He spoiled them; he bought them too much stuff—whatever they wanted, almost. That was fake too, wasn’t it?
Daisy wasn’t convinced of this, because she loved John and she loved these things about him. Emily was harder-hearted. It was fake.
But what was real? They weren’t sure. Eva was, they knew that. Maybe one real parent was enough. That’s what Emily decided she thought, in the end.
Not Daisy. Daisy wanted two—a mother and a father. And the father she chose was John, partly because at around this time Mark more or less disappeared from their lives anyway. He had started dating someone, “dating hard,” Eva had said to them, smiling in a mean way. He canceled weekends, he didn’t show up sometimes to pick up one or the other of the girls after school. When they did go to his house, Erika was often there, and he seemed sometimes hardly to notice that they were too. Or maybe he just didn’t care anymore. But it didn’t matter to Daisy, because John had stepped forward and become the center of her life.
Emily had moved into her own room by now, and that and her entering high school had changed things between them. And they seemed to be headed in different directions anyway. Daisy hadgrown taller and taller and more and more awkward as she turned eleven, and then twelve. By now she towered over everyone in her class, boy or girl. Emily was small, like Eva, and pretty and popular. Within two months of entering high school, she had a boyfriend, a junior, Noah Weiss, a diver on the swim team. (When Daisy thought of Noah, she remembered being at some meet with Emily and seeing him for the first time. Even years later she could recall the amplified, echoing noise the cheering voices made in the tiled pool room, the heavy humidity of the air, the clean, bleachy smell of the water, and the way Noah looked, standing with his toes gripping the end of the board, his chest wide and hairless, the pouch in his Speedo prominent and, to Daisy, embarrassing. She had tried to ask Emily something about this afterward, about whether she didn’t think of it when she looked at him, think it was funny , really, as Daisy did, but Emily said she was juvenile—“God, you are so juvenile, Daze.”)
Theo had been born that year too—the year Emily entered high school—so Eva was lost to them all, lost in a world of breastfeeding and naps and changing diapers. She was always tired, she always said she’d do stuff later .
But Daisy had chosen John, and John seemed comfortable, maybe even
Mark was too young, they said, though they knew he was only about five years younger than John. But John was much more grown up. Realer .
Daisy couldn’t have said what she meant by this. It had to do with a quality she later understood as a kind of attentiveness John had, a focus—on you, on what you said, on what you thought. Daisy knew, even then, that she loved John, that she loved him more than she loved Eva, maybe more than she loved Emily. She wasn’t sure about Mark.
What Emily meant—what she said she meant—was that Mark didn’t have the right clothes for a father, or the right car, that he let them get away with stuff, that he took them out to dinner too much when they were at his house. He was disorganized where they were concerned, Emily said. All these things were fake .
Her voice in the dark sounded strict, sounded correct to Daisy, as it always did. At this stage in their lives together, Emily made the rules for Daisy, and Daisy believed she was incapable of error.
They both agreed, on the other hand, that John was too polite to them. He spoiled them; he bought them too much stuff—whatever they wanted, almost. That was fake too, wasn’t it?
Daisy wasn’t convinced of this, because she loved John and she loved these things about him. Emily was harder-hearted. It was fake.
But what was real? They weren’t sure. Eva was, they knew that. Maybe one real parent was enough. That’s what Emily decided she thought, in the end.
Not Daisy. Daisy wanted two—a mother and a father. And the father she chose was John, partly because at around this time Mark more or less disappeared from their lives anyway. He had started dating someone, “dating hard,” Eva had said to them, smiling in a mean way. He canceled weekends, he didn’t show up sometimes to pick up one or the other of the girls after school. When they did go to his house, Erika was often there, and he seemed sometimes hardly to notice that they were too. Or maybe he just didn’t care anymore. But it didn’t matter to Daisy, because John had stepped forward and become the center of her life.
Emily had moved into her own room by now, and that and her entering high school had changed things between them. And they seemed to be headed in different directions anyway. Daisy hadgrown taller and taller and more and more awkward as she turned eleven, and then twelve. By now she towered over everyone in her class, boy or girl. Emily was small, like Eva, and pretty and popular. Within two months of entering high school, she had a boyfriend, a junior, Noah Weiss, a diver on the swim team. (When Daisy thought of Noah, she remembered being at some meet with Emily and seeing him for the first time. Even years later she could recall the amplified, echoing noise the cheering voices made in the tiled pool room, the heavy humidity of the air, the clean, bleachy smell of the water, and the way Noah looked, standing with his toes gripping the end of the board, his chest wide and hairless, the pouch in his Speedo prominent and, to Daisy, embarrassing. She had tried to ask Emily something about this afterward, about whether she didn’t think of it when she looked at him, think it was funny , really, as Daisy did, but Emily said she was juvenile—“God, you are so juvenile, Daze.”)
Theo had been born that year too—the year Emily entered high school—so Eva was lost to them all, lost in a world of breastfeeding and naps and changing diapers. She was always tired, she always said she’d do stuff later .
But Daisy had chosen John, and John seemed comfortable, maybe even
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