says, gesturing for me to sit back down. ‘Jemima and I have talked this through and we think this is just the angle we need to sort everything out. Randy does need someone to keep him on the straight and narrow. At least for a few weeks while we get him back on track.’
You’re telling me, I think. But who’d be mental enough to take that on?
‘And after last night,’ interrupts Jemima, ‘we’ve decided it’s going to be you.’
I laugh nervously, but Camilla doesn’t join in. She nods earnestly in agreement with Jemima.
I’d expect it of Jemima, but I can’t believe Camilla’s serious. For a moment I’m too surprised to answer, but my cheeks begin to burn.
‘I – I don’t know what you think happened between me and Randy last night,’ I stutter, furious, ‘but I can assure you both it was all strictly above board. I just helped to get him home. I mean, he isn’t even going to remember any of this when he wakes up, and he’s definitely not going to want me hanging around reminding him of what an idiot he’s been.’
‘Randy Jones doesn’t have the first clue what’s good for him,’ barks Jemima.
‘And you suppose I do?’ I ask in disbelief.
‘Not yet, of course not,’ says Camilla, taking control of the conversation with a silencing glance at Jemima. ‘But I do. I mean goodness, of course I know you didn’t fool around with Randy, you’re far too sensible for that.’
God, even my boss thinks he wouldn’t shag me.
‘But right now you’re just what he needs,’ she continues. ‘The down-to-earth non-celebrity girlfriend who helps him turn his life around. I’ve spoken to Bryan and he thinks it’s going to work.’
‘You know I’d do anything to help you, Camilla,’ I splutter, ‘but I draw the line at being made to have a relationship with your lunatic client for the sake of his reputation. What about mine?’
‘ Yo ur reputation?’ Jemima laughs, throwing her hands into the air in exasperation. ‘You’re a single, thirty-three-year-old personal assistant! A failed journalist! A nobody! What reputation do you have to lose? Jesus, Camilla, I told you there was no point in even asking her.’
‘That’s enough,’ says Camilla, and there’s an edge to her voice that makes both Jemima and me flinch. I just got a glimpse of the old head-girl-in-charge. I instantly sit up straighter.
‘Remember what Jemima said, Lizzy. It’s not about what happened, it’s not about what’s actually going to happen. It’s about what it looks like. Randy needs to look like he’s making changes in his life, and you, Lizzy, can be a very visible sign that he’s moving on from the topless models and reality TV rejects. I’m not asking you to do anything other than be seen out with Randy, be photographed doing wholesome things: going to the zoo, having picnics in the park – all innocent larks, you see?’
I thought this crazy idea must be all Jemima’s, but now I can see that Camilla’s right behind her; I haven’t seen her this focused since before the twins were born.
‘Wh-what does Randy think about this?’ My final line of defence. Surely Randy, the Shagger of the Millennium, is not going to be up for this? He pretends to take his lothario reputation with a pinch of salt, but in fact he’s in deadly earnest. He’s going to hate being stuck with the sensible girlfriend type – even if it’s just in public – because in public is all that Randy really cares about.
‘Randy will do as he’s told,’ says Jemima in tones of steel. And I can hear, as clearly as if she’s said it out loud, what she also means: ‘And so will you.’
‘We’re not asking you to do this for long, Lizzy,’ says Camilla. ‘Just while we get Randy’s US tour back on track and get him some positive press for once.’ Then her eyes soften and she reaches across the table and grabs my hand. ‘Lizzy, try not to see this as a total disaster. You’ve been my PA for way too long; this
Shae Connor
Melody Snow Monroe
Edwina Currie
Jodi Cooper
Susan Coolidge
Jane Yolen
Rick Hautala
Nalini Singh
Gayla Drummond
Sara Craven