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Authors: Nick Vujicic
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and yellow black and white, they are precious in His sight, and Jesus loves the little children of the world.’ ” Surrounded by people who supported and loved me, I took that hymn to heart. It comforted me.
I wanted to believe that He cared for me deeply, but then when I was tired or not feeling well, the dark thoughts would creep in. I’d sit in my wheelchair on the playground wondering:
If God really loves me like all the other children, then why didn’t He give me arms and legs? Why did He make me so different from His other children?
Those thoughts began to intrude even during the day and in normally happy circumstances. I’d been struggling with feelings of despair and the sense that my life was always going to be difficult. God didn’t seem to answer my prayers.
One day I sat on the high kitchen countertop, watching my loving mum cook dinner, which I usually found reassuring and relaxing. But suddenly these negative thoughts overcame me. It struck me that I didn’t want to stick around and be a burden to her. I had the urge to throw myself off the counter. I looked down.I tried to work out what angle I should use to make sure I snapped my neck and killed myself.
But I talked myself out of doing it, mostly because if I failed to kill myself, I’d have to explain why I was in such despair. The fact that I came so close to hurting myself that way frightened me. I should have told my mother what I’d been thinking, but I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to scare her.
I was young, and even though I was surrounded by people who loved me, I didn’t reach out and tell them the depth of my feelings. I had resources but didn’t use them, and that was a mistake.
If you feel overcome by dark moods, you don’t have to handle it yourself. Those who love you won’t feel burdened. They
want
to help you. If you feel you can’t confide in them, reach out to professional counselors at school, at work, in your community. You are not alone. I was not alone. I see that now, and I don’t want you to ever come as close as I did to making a fatal mistake.
But at that time I was becoming swept up in hopelessness. I decided that to end my pain, I had to end my life.
A CLOSE CALL
One afternoon after school I asked my mother if she could put me in the bath to soak for a while. I asked her to shut the door when she left the bathroom. Then I put my ears under water. In the silence, very heavy thoughts ran through my mind. I had planned in advance what I wanted to do.
If God will not take away my pain and if there is no purpose for me in this life … if I’m here only to experience rejection and loneliness … I’m a burden to everyone and I have no future … I should just end it now
.
As I mentioned when I described learning to swim, I’d float on my back by filling my lungs with air. Now I tried to gauge howmuch air to keep in my lungs before I flipped over.
Do I hold my breath before I turn over? Do I take a full deep breath, or do I just do half? Should I just empty my lungs and flip over?
I finally just turned and plunged my face under water. Instinctively, I held my breath. Because my lungs were strong, I stayed afloat for what seemed like a long time.
When my air gave out, I flipped back over.
I can’t do this
.
But the dark thoughts persisted:
I want to get out of here. I just want to disappear
.
I blew most of the air out of my lungs and flipped over again. I knew I could hold my breath for at least ten seconds, so I counted down
… 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 …
As I counted, an image flashed in my mind of my dad and mum standing at my grave crying. I saw my seven-year-old brother, Aaron, crying too. They were all weeping, saying it was their fault, that they should have done more for me.
I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving them feeling responsible for my death for the rest of their lives.
I’m being selfish
.
I flipped back over and drew a deep
I wanted to believe that He cared for me deeply, but then when I was tired or not feeling well, the dark thoughts would creep in. I’d sit in my wheelchair on the playground wondering:
If God really loves me like all the other children, then why didn’t He give me arms and legs? Why did He make me so different from His other children?
Those thoughts began to intrude even during the day and in normally happy circumstances. I’d been struggling with feelings of despair and the sense that my life was always going to be difficult. God didn’t seem to answer my prayers.
One day I sat on the high kitchen countertop, watching my loving mum cook dinner, which I usually found reassuring and relaxing. But suddenly these negative thoughts overcame me. It struck me that I didn’t want to stick around and be a burden to her. I had the urge to throw myself off the counter. I looked down.I tried to work out what angle I should use to make sure I snapped my neck and killed myself.
But I talked myself out of doing it, mostly because if I failed to kill myself, I’d have to explain why I was in such despair. The fact that I came so close to hurting myself that way frightened me. I should have told my mother what I’d been thinking, but I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to scare her.
I was young, and even though I was surrounded by people who loved me, I didn’t reach out and tell them the depth of my feelings. I had resources but didn’t use them, and that was a mistake.
If you feel overcome by dark moods, you don’t have to handle it yourself. Those who love you won’t feel burdened. They
want
to help you. If you feel you can’t confide in them, reach out to professional counselors at school, at work, in your community. You are not alone. I was not alone. I see that now, and I don’t want you to ever come as close as I did to making a fatal mistake.
But at that time I was becoming swept up in hopelessness. I decided that to end my pain, I had to end my life.
A CLOSE CALL
One afternoon after school I asked my mother if she could put me in the bath to soak for a while. I asked her to shut the door when she left the bathroom. Then I put my ears under water. In the silence, very heavy thoughts ran through my mind. I had planned in advance what I wanted to do.
If God will not take away my pain and if there is no purpose for me in this life … if I’m here only to experience rejection and loneliness … I’m a burden to everyone and I have no future … I should just end it now
.
As I mentioned when I described learning to swim, I’d float on my back by filling my lungs with air. Now I tried to gauge howmuch air to keep in my lungs before I flipped over.
Do I hold my breath before I turn over? Do I take a full deep breath, or do I just do half? Should I just empty my lungs and flip over?
I finally just turned and plunged my face under water. Instinctively, I held my breath. Because my lungs were strong, I stayed afloat for what seemed like a long time.
When my air gave out, I flipped back over.
I can’t do this
.
But the dark thoughts persisted:
I want to get out of here. I just want to disappear
.
I blew most of the air out of my lungs and flipped over again. I knew I could hold my breath for at least ten seconds, so I counted down
… 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 …
As I counted, an image flashed in my mind of my dad and mum standing at my grave crying. I saw my seven-year-old brother, Aaron, crying too. They were all weeping, saying it was their fault, that they should have done more for me.
I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving them feeling responsible for my death for the rest of their lives.
I’m being selfish
.
I flipped back over and drew a deep
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