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Authors: Julie Anne Peters
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rib, but I was panicking.
“Call 911,” I told Swanee.
She just sat there.
All at once an object flew out of Ethan’s mouth and he drew a deep breath. As if in reflex, he began to wail. I lifted him up and carried him around the room, trying to calm him. I’d never seen him cry so hard.
I warmed a bottle and he finally settled back in my lap, but I couldn’t stop shaking.
“What did he swallow?” I asked Swanee.
She got up and found a slimy button on the carpet. All I could think was, I’m so irresponsible, I’m so irresponsible.
And Swanee… She wanted to pick up where we left off.
After that Ethan always looked terrified whenever I came close. Like he knew he was in imminent danger.
I take a shower to wash the memory away, and it helps. A little. Lying on my bed, I log on to Facebook and see that no new condolences have been left on my wall. I don’t know if I’m thankful or not. It’s like Swanee’s being forgotten, and it’s only been two weeks.
There is a message waiting for me.
It’s from Liana. One sentence: I don’t understand
She must’ve seen the few photos in my album, and read my relationship status. I message Liana back: She lied to you. I almost add, She lied to both of us, but I have this revelation: What if Swanee did break up with Liana and Liana couldn’t, or wouldn’t, accept it? She might’ve been stalking Swanee. Swan never mentioned it to me, but maybe she didn’t figure it was my problem. Or she ran out of time.
I go to unfriend Liana and see she’s already responded to my message.
We need to talk. Call me?
She’s included her phone number.
I don’t want to call her. Now I just want her to go away, to never have existed. There’s nothing and no one who can fill this void that’s expanding inside me day by day. Knowing Swanee’s past will only make the present more real.
I go to log off and see another message has arrived.
It’s her again. Please?
Shit. Why did I start this? Now I’m obligated to end it.
I nearly make the mistake of using Swanee’s cell. Liana answers my call on the first ring. I say, “This is Alix.”
She inhales and exhales a stuttered breath. “I can’t believe she’s dead.” Liana barely gets the words out before she hiccups a sob. “I found her obituary online, and the date matched the one you said.”
Her pain travels through me, and my eyes pool.
“Did you know Joss was texting me all this time?” she asks
I cringe. “No.”
She starts sobbing again.
There’s no way we’re going to be able to talk on the phone. I say, “Do you want to meet?”
She blows her nose. “I have to work at two.”
“Where do you work?”
“In Greeley. At the mall.”
I check my clock and it’s a little after ten. Mom and Dad will probably be gone until early afternoon.
“We could meet now,” I say.
“Where?” She sniffles.
“I don’t know.”
“There’s a McDonald’s in Broomfield right off 287. Do you know where that is?”
“Yeah,” I say.
She adds, “It’ll probably take me twenty or twenty-five minutes.”
“If I get there first, I’ll wait.” I owe her that.
She stays on the line, like she wants to say more. Or is waiting for me to speak. This sensation floods through me like when a roller coaster begins its ascent and you can see the top of the rise and you know any second the bottom is going to drop out from under you.
She starts crying again and disconnects. I hang on a moment longer, regaining my equilibrium.
Chapter 9
For some reason I take my time getting ready. Combing my hair into a ponytail the way Swanee usually wore hers, and then taking it down. As if it might remind Liana. As if I care. Putting on makeup. Trying different outfits.
“For God’s sake,” I say aloud. “It’s not a date.”
When I get to the McDonald’s, she’s huddled in a corner booth, hugging her knees, her face buried between her arms. There’s a Coke cup with a straw on the table in front of her, but
“Call 911,” I told Swanee.
She just sat there.
All at once an object flew out of Ethan’s mouth and he drew a deep breath. As if in reflex, he began to wail. I lifted him up and carried him around the room, trying to calm him. I’d never seen him cry so hard.
I warmed a bottle and he finally settled back in my lap, but I couldn’t stop shaking.
“What did he swallow?” I asked Swanee.
She got up and found a slimy button on the carpet. All I could think was, I’m so irresponsible, I’m so irresponsible.
And Swanee… She wanted to pick up where we left off.
After that Ethan always looked terrified whenever I came close. Like he knew he was in imminent danger.
I take a shower to wash the memory away, and it helps. A little. Lying on my bed, I log on to Facebook and see that no new condolences have been left on my wall. I don’t know if I’m thankful or not. It’s like Swanee’s being forgotten, and it’s only been two weeks.
There is a message waiting for me.
It’s from Liana. One sentence: I don’t understand
She must’ve seen the few photos in my album, and read my relationship status. I message Liana back: She lied to you. I almost add, She lied to both of us, but I have this revelation: What if Swanee did break up with Liana and Liana couldn’t, or wouldn’t, accept it? She might’ve been stalking Swanee. Swan never mentioned it to me, but maybe she didn’t figure it was my problem. Or she ran out of time.
I go to unfriend Liana and see she’s already responded to my message.
We need to talk. Call me?
She’s included her phone number.
I don’t want to call her. Now I just want her to go away, to never have existed. There’s nothing and no one who can fill this void that’s expanding inside me day by day. Knowing Swanee’s past will only make the present more real.
I go to log off and see another message has arrived.
It’s her again. Please?
Shit. Why did I start this? Now I’m obligated to end it.
I nearly make the mistake of using Swanee’s cell. Liana answers my call on the first ring. I say, “This is Alix.”
She inhales and exhales a stuttered breath. “I can’t believe she’s dead.” Liana barely gets the words out before she hiccups a sob. “I found her obituary online, and the date matched the one you said.”
Her pain travels through me, and my eyes pool.
“Did you know Joss was texting me all this time?” she asks
I cringe. “No.”
She starts sobbing again.
There’s no way we’re going to be able to talk on the phone. I say, “Do you want to meet?”
She blows her nose. “I have to work at two.”
“Where do you work?”
“In Greeley. At the mall.”
I check my clock and it’s a little after ten. Mom and Dad will probably be gone until early afternoon.
“We could meet now,” I say.
“Where?” She sniffles.
“I don’t know.”
“There’s a McDonald’s in Broomfield right off 287. Do you know where that is?”
“Yeah,” I say.
She adds, “It’ll probably take me twenty or twenty-five minutes.”
“If I get there first, I’ll wait.” I owe her that.
She stays on the line, like she wants to say more. Or is waiting for me to speak. This sensation floods through me like when a roller coaster begins its ascent and you can see the top of the rise and you know any second the bottom is going to drop out from under you.
She starts crying again and disconnects. I hang on a moment longer, regaining my equilibrium.
Chapter 9
For some reason I take my time getting ready. Combing my hair into a ponytail the way Swanee usually wore hers, and then taking it down. As if it might remind Liana. As if I care. Putting on makeup. Trying different outfits.
“For God’s sake,” I say aloud. “It’s not a date.”
When I get to the McDonald’s, she’s huddled in a corner booth, hugging her knees, her face buried between her arms. There’s a Coke cup with a straw on the table in front of her, but
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