Read Online Liberation by Christopher Isherwood - Free Book Online Page A

was (it seems to me) in love with Johnny Monkhouse, “Mr Honeypot,” with his blond hair and his grin and his beautiful long legs and his hockey stick.
    Johnny was a “hopeless” love; actually I didn’t even seriously want to make him and fear absolutely prohibited me from ever trying to. I enjoyed suffering and mooning around and watching the house to see if he’d come out. Yes, and talking about my feelings, of course, to Paddy [Monkhouse].
    Heathcliff doesn’t (apparently) make Cathy. Not because he’s shy but because she won’t cooperate, she’s married, she’s fatally sick and, finally, she’s his sister, so to speak. Their relationship is presented as being infinitely deeper, more violent, more binding, more everything than the mere sexual relationships which both he and Cathy enter into, quite irresponsibly, almost casually. Of course there are suggestions here of Emily’s relationship to her own brother; not to mention Byron’s relationship to his half sister. So there’s the incest thing as a barrier.
    When I took on the fantasy role of Heathcliff, the “hopeless” love wasn’t incest but homosexuality; which was all very well while I was very young and inhibited. Later, when the love turned out to be not in the very least hopeless, I had to drop that part of the Heathcliff role.
    But Heathcliff has another aspect. Like Byron, he is a mysterious traveller; he has been away somewhere, “in foreign lands,” but he won’t say where. And then he returns . That part of the role was what really appealed to me—the returning traveller from romantic journeys and that part I still play whenever I go up to Disley on visits.
    Heathcliff wasn’t visiting, however. He came back to stay. And this stay was tragic and ended in death. This suggests that what I have latterly made out of the role is a Heathcliff who refuses to stick around and get involved in the tragedy. After enjoying the emotions of the returned native son, he leaves again while he still can, and returns again and leaves again, over and over.
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    August 31. On the 27th, Swami gave me new meditation instructions; he had written them out for me. They are (abridged):
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    Cover the whole universe with the presence of Brahman as Light, and repeat mentally: “I meditate on the glories of that Being who has produced this universe. In Him we live and move and have our being. May he enlighten my mind.”
    Feel the presence of Ramakrishna with you, and talk to him: “Oh Lord may I serve Thee in every way, whatever I do, whatever I give, may I do and give as an offering unto Thee. May I be truly an instrument in Thy hands. Thou art my only refuge. Enlighten me for I am Thine.”
    Feel that you are free through His grace and rest for a while thinking that you have His peace and bliss.
    Send love and goodwill to every being.
    Think of your guru, feel his presence. Then of his guru, Maharaj. Now again feel the protection and guidance of Ramakrishna, Holy Mother, Swamiji and Maharaj. “May they inspire me with love, truth and purity. May I feel their grace.” Then think of the mind as pure and perfect and that no evil can enter your mind.
    Now hold the mind in the lotus of the heart and think of your Chosen Ideal for a few moments. Then let the mind run as it wills for about ten minutes and you stand as a witness and watch. Do not seek to control it even if the thoughts are bad.
    Then take a firm hold of the mind, concentrate on your Chosen Ideal, seem to see him as bright and luminous and hear his voice. Repeat the mantram as you meditate. Perform mental worship, offer flowers at his feet, place a garland around his neck, wave the light before him, burn incense, wash his feet and wipe them.
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    (I meant to write a lot about my problems in connection with this, but must wait till tomorrow because I have been interrupted so much by people coming