Read Online Keep Calm and Carry a Big Drink by Kim Gruenenfelder - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Kim Gruenenfelder
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sight of Jay jumping off of me, then quickly trotting to the other side of the room.
He puts his palm up to his sister. “Before you overreact…”
Seema ignores him completely, setting her sights on me. “He has a girlfriend.”
“I do not,” Jay insists, grabbing one of my shirts to try to cover himself. “Why does everyone keep assuming that?”
Seema’s eyes bug out at him. “I don’t know. Maybe because Mom and Dad met her last year.”
Jay looks relieved. “Oh. That.” He turns to me. “That’s just Jacqueline.”
Ah … the French pronunciation. Zhah-ke-leen . It’s a wonder French people ever get anything done with that accent—you’d think they’d just die happily in bed.
“Seriously, with my roommate?” Seema angrily whines at him, walking over to Jay and smacking his arm. “You’re really going to take advantage of a girl who’s depressed about not being married this week?”
Wait—whoa!
I want to yell that aloud, but Jay and his sister are in midfight, and I learned long ago not to try to break up two dogs when they’re snarling at each other.
“Do you really think if I had a girlfriend I’d be sleeping with your best friend?” Jay asks his sister self-righteously.
“We didn’t sleep together,” I quietly assure Seema.
Nobody hears me. Instead, Jay continues to make his point, “Don’t you think if I had a girlfriend, she’d be here with me this week? I mean, do you really think I’m such an asshole I’d cheat on my girlfriend? What kind of a guy would that make me?”
“Pretty much any guy she’s dated in the last ten years,” Seema answers.
“Hey!” I exclaim.
Seema turns to me. “I’m just trying to protect you.” Then she turns to Jay, still not buying what he’s selling. “So who is Jacqueline then?”
“It’s pronounced Jacqueline,” Jay corrects her with his French accent.
Seema crosses her arms, not dissuaded.
Jay rolls his eyes. “She’s just a friend I had come to dinner a few times last fall so Mom and Dad would get off my back.” He turns to me. “I swear.”
Good. I feel better, but Seema still eyes him suspiciously.
He continues to make his point. “She’s a lesbian. Her girlfriend’s Genevieve.” He turns back to me. “I promise, I’m telling the truth. If you come to Paris, I’ll invite them out to dinner the first night you’re there. We’ll make it a foursome.”
Seema opens her mouth, but Jay points his index finger at her before she can respond. “I heard it as soon as you did. That is not what I meant.”
Seema stares him down. “So did you sleep with her?”
Jay doesn’t answer for a moment, then rolls his eyes, a presidential candidate not wanting to dignify the question. “Like, a million years ago,” he says offhandedly.
“I think she meant me,” I tell him.
“Oh,” Jay says, relieved. “Then, no. Not yet.”
“Not yet?” Seema and I ask in unison.
Jay shrugs. “Oh, come on. I’m a guy. Do you ask Colin Kaepernick if he plans to score a touchdown?”
Seema squints her eyes and puts out the palms of her hands. “What does that even mean? It’s like you’re just saying random words now.”
Scott appears in the doorway, wearing Seema’s purple bathrobe. “Honey, I’m really hungover. Let’s go out for breakfast.”
“Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?” Seema tells him.
“Yes. I’m hungover, not blind,” he tells her patiently. “And this is really none of your business.”
“Says the man without any siblings or roommates,” Seema snaps at him. “I’m sorry you don’t get it, but this most certainly is my business.”
Scott turns to Jay. “Dude. You gonna be a dick after the wedding’s over?”
“Of course not. I’ve already invited her to stay with me in Paris for her birthday.”
“Oh,” Scott says, a bit surprised. He visibly relaxes as he says to Seema, “Well, there you go.” Then he disappears from my doorway. “I need
He puts his palm up to his sister. “Before you overreact…”
Seema ignores him completely, setting her sights on me. “He has a girlfriend.”
“I do not,” Jay insists, grabbing one of my shirts to try to cover himself. “Why does everyone keep assuming that?”
Seema’s eyes bug out at him. “I don’t know. Maybe because Mom and Dad met her last year.”
Jay looks relieved. “Oh. That.” He turns to me. “That’s just Jacqueline.”
Ah … the French pronunciation. Zhah-ke-leen . It’s a wonder French people ever get anything done with that accent—you’d think they’d just die happily in bed.
“Seriously, with my roommate?” Seema angrily whines at him, walking over to Jay and smacking his arm. “You’re really going to take advantage of a girl who’s depressed about not being married this week?”
Wait—whoa!
I want to yell that aloud, but Jay and his sister are in midfight, and I learned long ago not to try to break up two dogs when they’re snarling at each other.
“Do you really think if I had a girlfriend I’d be sleeping with your best friend?” Jay asks his sister self-righteously.
“We didn’t sleep together,” I quietly assure Seema.
Nobody hears me. Instead, Jay continues to make his point, “Don’t you think if I had a girlfriend, she’d be here with me this week? I mean, do you really think I’m such an asshole I’d cheat on my girlfriend? What kind of a guy would that make me?”
“Pretty much any guy she’s dated in the last ten years,” Seema answers.
“Hey!” I exclaim.
Seema turns to me. “I’m just trying to protect you.” Then she turns to Jay, still not buying what he’s selling. “So who is Jacqueline then?”
“It’s pronounced Jacqueline,” Jay corrects her with his French accent.
Seema crosses her arms, not dissuaded.
Jay rolls his eyes. “She’s just a friend I had come to dinner a few times last fall so Mom and Dad would get off my back.” He turns to me. “I swear.”
Good. I feel better, but Seema still eyes him suspiciously.
He continues to make his point. “She’s a lesbian. Her girlfriend’s Genevieve.” He turns back to me. “I promise, I’m telling the truth. If you come to Paris, I’ll invite them out to dinner the first night you’re there. We’ll make it a foursome.”
Seema opens her mouth, but Jay points his index finger at her before she can respond. “I heard it as soon as you did. That is not what I meant.”
Seema stares him down. “So did you sleep with her?”
Jay doesn’t answer for a moment, then rolls his eyes, a presidential candidate not wanting to dignify the question. “Like, a million years ago,” he says offhandedly.
“I think she meant me,” I tell him.
“Oh,” Jay says, relieved. “Then, no. Not yet.”
“Not yet?” Seema and I ask in unison.
Jay shrugs. “Oh, come on. I’m a guy. Do you ask Colin Kaepernick if he plans to score a touchdown?”
Seema squints her eyes and puts out the palms of her hands. “What does that even mean? It’s like you’re just saying random words now.”
Scott appears in the doorway, wearing Seema’s purple bathrobe. “Honey, I’m really hungover. Let’s go out for breakfast.”
“Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?” Seema tells him.
“Yes. I’m hungover, not blind,” he tells her patiently. “And this is really none of your business.”
“Says the man without any siblings or roommates,” Seema snaps at him. “I’m sorry you don’t get it, but this most certainly is my business.”
Scott turns to Jay. “Dude. You gonna be a dick after the wedding’s over?”
“Of course not. I’ve already invited her to stay with me in Paris for her birthday.”
“Oh,” Scott says, a bit surprised. He visibly relaxes as he says to Seema, “Well, there you go.” Then he disappears from my doorway. “I need
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