and I went limp.
It must have been when I was chained up in the box. John had reversed the baby monitor. Now the sounds upstairs could be heard in the dungeon and nothing could be heard of my voice beyond the eggcrated walls. I don’t know when he made the switch, but the realization was shattering.
Big John told the cop that he remembered a man watching me at the arcade, but didn’t think anything of it until just then. And as they talked upstairs in the house just above me, downstairs I continued to scream my lungs out.
“I’m downstairs. Go into the office. I am down here.”
Over and over again, until my voice was lost.
I screamed, “Help me!!!!”
I screamed “I’m HEEERE!”
I yelled and screamed and begged and hit the monitor, “Pleeeaaaseee! I’m hhhheeeere!!”
I collapsed in exhaustion as I watched the cops walk away, down the long driveway, and get into their cruisers and drive away. No one heard me. A grave disappointment came over me. It was fear to my core. I knew, at this moment, that I wouldn’t be found.
When Big John returned down to the dungeon, I cried. No, I sobbed.
“How will I go to school? How will I learn things?”
“I’m gonna keep you down here forever until people forget about you. They’ll forget.”
“What about MY life? MY future,” I demanded. “Like going to college and getting married and having children and having a normal adult life? WHAT ABOUT THAT?”
“You’ll marry me. You’ll have children with me. You won’t have to go to college ?cuz I’ll take care of you, Katie, forever.”
He would try to muster a smile at these times. His transparent attempt at courtship made me even sicker.
I told Big John that if he kept me in the dungeon forever, I wouldnot be a normal child. I told him that if he let me go, I would protect him, no one would ever have to know what happened to me. I would tell the cops and family that I had run away because of Sal. I told Big John that he could let me out of his house in the middle of the night, and I would run through the woods to the highway and no one would ever know that he kidnapped me. After he let me go, I would stay in his life. I would come visit him all of the time.
Hundreds of times I told John I loved him, that I cared about him, but only if he released me. I thought it would soften him, make him pity me and let me go.
“I love you, too, Katie. That’s why you’re here. I took you to protect you,” he said.
“To protect me? How am I ever gonna grow up living down here, locked away in this box?” I said it so many times, I lost count.
“I’ll teach you everything you need to know. You don’t need anyone else. I’m the only friend you’ll ever need, Katie,” he said.
“You can let me out the back door! I’ll run far away from the house and I won’t stop until I’m miles away and then I’ll call for help. Big John pleeeaaase—I wanna go home!”
“You’re not going anywhere, Katie—you’re staying here with me forever. Maybe when the cops stop looking for you, you can live upstairs with me.”
“But I want to have kids. What am I gonna do about having children?”
“You’ll have kids with me.”
This thought repulsed me and this conversation was repeated over and over.
I had been held captive my whole life. I wanted to be free. I was a maid to Linda, a sex slave to Sal and now a prisoner of Big John. I had never felt sorry for myself, until then.
No attempt at reasoning or psychology with Big John seemed to make a bit of difference. I tried every personality, every attitude I could think of. I tried being nice, devil’s advocate, mean. Maybe if I were mean, he wouldn’t like me anymore and would let me go. I even kicked him once, and he hit me across the face. The questions that I posed seemed to make no impression on him. He had an answer for everything and he wasvery focused on one thing. During this entire time, I remember Big John “pleasing” me regularly. Maybe it was
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