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Authors: Sebastian Faulks
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said. ‘Can we get back to the matter in hand?’
‘Which was?’ said Georgiana.
‘I’ll tell you what it was,’ I said firmly. ‘You said there were three reasons for this delightful visit. We’ve only had two so far.’
‘Ah yes. Do you want this last tomato sandwich, Bertie? Oh, good show. Thanks. Just the right amount of pepper. I wanted to tell you that things are not so hot with Amelia and Woody. I’m very worried. She does love him deeply, you know. I don’t want her to cut off her nose to spite her face. I was wondering if Jeeves had had any bright ideas.’
‘Oh, I see, so it was Lord Etringham you wanted to see,’ I said, and it came out a little more tartly than I’d intended.
Georgiana flushed. ‘No, no, Bertie, not at all. It’s just that … Time’s running out. We only have till Sunday night.’
I was a little hot under the collar myself. From our seated positions, the pair of us looked upwards like a couple of messengers sent to consult the oracle at Delphi.
It was a sticky moment or two before the oracle pronounced. ‘I was on the point of outlining a plan to Mr Wooster, Miss, when we … heard you arrive.’
‘Jeeves, you’re a marvel.’ The Tolstoy scholar allowed herself a girlish clap of the hands.
‘Thank you, Miss. The scheme is not without its hazards. In the vernacular of the card table, it is a question of raisingthe stakes or indeed “buying for one”.’
‘Do get on with it, Jeeves.’
‘I beg your pardon, sir. It occurred to me that if you are to proceed with your scheme for the enlightenment of Miss Hackwood you will need to be present, or preferably resident, at Melbury Hall. I further reflected that a gentleman of Lord Etringham’s standing would be in need of a gentleman’s personal gentleman. If you were willing to accept that role, sir, it would make it easy for you to be in Sir Henry’s establishment while to all intents and purposes invisible to your host.’
My chin had fallen so far that I was incapable of speech.
‘It would be unnecessary for you to venture beyond the green baize door, sir, except for whatever visits to Lord Etringham might be necessary for the purposes of verisimilitude. Such moments might also be useful for further confabulation.’
Georgiana was on her feet. ‘It’s a marvellous idea, Jeeves. Isn’t it, Bertie?’
Speech returned, albeit reluctantly. ‘I wouldn’t know where to begin. I can’t boil an egg.’
‘The cook does that,’ said Georgiana. ‘Mrs Padgett. Heaven help you if she finds you anywhere near her eggs.’
‘But you know what I mean. I couldn’t manage all the pressing of clothes, the tea, the drinks, the—’
‘Bertie, you can pour a drink. I’ve seen you do it. Jolly well you did it too.’
‘I’m sure I should give myself away. I mean, I don’t know how to talk to the bootboy or the scullery maid. They’d sniff me out in no time. I’d sound all wrong. I’m—’
‘Look at me, Bertie,’ said Georgiana.
And I did, knowing the risks full well.
‘You’re being absurd and, if you don’t mind my saying so, a bit of a snob,’ said Georgiana. ‘I’m quite sure that you can walk with kings nor lose the common touch. Just be polite. Look at Jeeves. He didn’t bat an eyelid at sitting down at table and being waited on. He just … He was a natural.’
‘The dramatic requirement is, mutatis mutandis , no greater, sir. In fact, since most of the time your work will be unscruti-nised, one might argue that yours is the simpler role.’
‘What name will you take, Bertie?’
‘I’m not taking any jolly—’
‘You know that game where you take your second name and then add the name of your street and it gives you a film star? What would yours be?’
‘Wilberforce Berkeley.’
‘That’s marvellous! He’d be an absolute matinée idol. And Wilberforce is the perfect name for a valet. Don’t you think, Jeeves?’
I battled on gamely for another couple of
‘Which was?’ said Georgiana.
‘I’ll tell you what it was,’ I said firmly. ‘You said there were three reasons for this delightful visit. We’ve only had two so far.’
‘Ah yes. Do you want this last tomato sandwich, Bertie? Oh, good show. Thanks. Just the right amount of pepper. I wanted to tell you that things are not so hot with Amelia and Woody. I’m very worried. She does love him deeply, you know. I don’t want her to cut off her nose to spite her face. I was wondering if Jeeves had had any bright ideas.’
‘Oh, I see, so it was Lord Etringham you wanted to see,’ I said, and it came out a little more tartly than I’d intended.
Georgiana flushed. ‘No, no, Bertie, not at all. It’s just that … Time’s running out. We only have till Sunday night.’
I was a little hot under the collar myself. From our seated positions, the pair of us looked upwards like a couple of messengers sent to consult the oracle at Delphi.
It was a sticky moment or two before the oracle pronounced. ‘I was on the point of outlining a plan to Mr Wooster, Miss, when we … heard you arrive.’
‘Jeeves, you’re a marvel.’ The Tolstoy scholar allowed herself a girlish clap of the hands.
‘Thank you, Miss. The scheme is not without its hazards. In the vernacular of the card table, it is a question of raisingthe stakes or indeed “buying for one”.’
‘Do get on with it, Jeeves.’
‘I beg your pardon, sir. It occurred to me that if you are to proceed with your scheme for the enlightenment of Miss Hackwood you will need to be present, or preferably resident, at Melbury Hall. I further reflected that a gentleman of Lord Etringham’s standing would be in need of a gentleman’s personal gentleman. If you were willing to accept that role, sir, it would make it easy for you to be in Sir Henry’s establishment while to all intents and purposes invisible to your host.’
My chin had fallen so far that I was incapable of speech.
‘It would be unnecessary for you to venture beyond the green baize door, sir, except for whatever visits to Lord Etringham might be necessary for the purposes of verisimilitude. Such moments might also be useful for further confabulation.’
Georgiana was on her feet. ‘It’s a marvellous idea, Jeeves. Isn’t it, Bertie?’
Speech returned, albeit reluctantly. ‘I wouldn’t know where to begin. I can’t boil an egg.’
‘The cook does that,’ said Georgiana. ‘Mrs Padgett. Heaven help you if she finds you anywhere near her eggs.’
‘But you know what I mean. I couldn’t manage all the pressing of clothes, the tea, the drinks, the—’
‘Bertie, you can pour a drink. I’ve seen you do it. Jolly well you did it too.’
‘I’m sure I should give myself away. I mean, I don’t know how to talk to the bootboy or the scullery maid. They’d sniff me out in no time. I’d sound all wrong. I’m—’
‘Look at me, Bertie,’ said Georgiana.
And I did, knowing the risks full well.
‘You’re being absurd and, if you don’t mind my saying so, a bit of a snob,’ said Georgiana. ‘I’m quite sure that you can walk with kings nor lose the common touch. Just be polite. Look at Jeeves. He didn’t bat an eyelid at sitting down at table and being waited on. He just … He was a natural.’
‘The dramatic requirement is, mutatis mutandis , no greater, sir. In fact, since most of the time your work will be unscruti-nised, one might argue that yours is the simpler role.’
‘What name will you take, Bertie?’
‘I’m not taking any jolly—’
‘You know that game where you take your second name and then add the name of your street and it gives you a film star? What would yours be?’
‘Wilberforce Berkeley.’
‘That’s marvellous! He’d be an absolute matinée idol. And Wilberforce is the perfect name for a valet. Don’t you think, Jeeves?’
I battled on gamely for another couple of
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