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Authors: Joanne Hanks, Steve Cuno
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aside bristling and preaching long enough to score government welfare
dollars. On welfare applications, these women claim not to be married. They are
poor, unwed, unemployed mothers. Even those whose husbands support them in
style.
TLC members routinely gamed the welfare system. David and
Melanie, for instance, had 10 children together. When David’s second wife
arrived, she brought with her five children of her own, making a household
total of 15. During the next few years, the two wives gave birth to three
babies—apiece—which would have made 21 kids if David hadn’t added a
third wife in the meantime. She arrived with four children of her own, bringing
the total to 25. But apparently four of her own just wouldn’t do. Within three
years of marrying David, Wife Three conceived and delivered twice. Each time,
she had twins. Grand total: 29 kids. That is, as of the last time I checked.
(We have been gone for a few years.)
David, his wives, and children were fortunate. He provided
well for all three women and all 29 children. That little detail didn’t stop
Wives Two and Three from applying for—and receiving—welfare as
single, unemployed mothers. They were not unusual. In Manti, stories of “we
tricked the evil government out of money” were more than popular. They were
something of a status symbol.
Séances
No one needed to tell us that the Bible decries necromancy.
It’s there in black and white. So, after we looked up necromancy and found out
that it refers to communicating with the dead, we knew we were going to have to
call our séances something else. We settled on “Prayer Sessions.”
Our séances, I mean, our Prayer Sessions grew out of the
Mormon practice of “baptism for the dead.” Mormons believe that if you croak
without a chance to join their church, not to worry. In Mormon temples, officiators
read aloud from a computer-generated list the name of one dead person after
another, immersing a volunteer “for and in behalf of” each name. Should the
deceased accept Mormonism in the hereafter, the proxy baptism counts. Should
the deceased not accept, it’s off to Spirit Prison with them.
It always seemed to me that such a system would give
atheists an advantage. If you woke up in the hereafter and found Mormon
missionaries at your door, you might stand a better chance of believing in the
hereafter, not to mention of hearing out the missionaries. It also seemed to me
that in more than 150 years of baptisms for the dead, someone would have
realized it should be “ on behalf.”
Joseph Smith told the early Mormons, “The greatest
responsibility in this world that God has laid upon us is to seek after our
dead.” That is why Mormons are avid genealogists who make Jews mad by doing
proxy baptisms for Holocaust victims.
For the same reason, we took baptism for the dead seriously
in the TLC. But we took it a step further. We started talking with the dead.
Taking it a step even further than that, the dead started talking back. Before
long, we had invited every famous stiff you could think of to become a member
of The True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days. Our
ranks on The Other Side soon swelled with the likes of George Washington, Marie
Antoinette, Wolfgang Mozart, Florence Nightingale, Martin Luther, Madame Curie,
Winston Churchill, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, and others.
It was during Prayer Sessions that we provided the dead with
the opportunity to make known their desire to join the TLC. We formed a circle
around an altar, the women veiling their faces, and joined hands. As Harmston’s
First Wife, it was Elaine’s calling to act, not as “medium” since that would
have been necromancy, but as “voice.” Closing her eyes and rocking back and
forth, Elaine would call out, “In the naaaaaame of Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus
Chriiiiiiiiiiiist I call up”—the name of the deceased—“acrossssssssssss
the veillllllll.” Then, repeating the name of the deceased,
dollars. On welfare applications, these women claim not to be married. They are
poor, unwed, unemployed mothers. Even those whose husbands support them in
style.
TLC members routinely gamed the welfare system. David and
Melanie, for instance, had 10 children together. When David’s second wife
arrived, she brought with her five children of her own, making a household
total of 15. During the next few years, the two wives gave birth to three
babies—apiece—which would have made 21 kids if David hadn’t added a
third wife in the meantime. She arrived with four children of her own, bringing
the total to 25. But apparently four of her own just wouldn’t do. Within three
years of marrying David, Wife Three conceived and delivered twice. Each time,
she had twins. Grand total: 29 kids. That is, as of the last time I checked.
(We have been gone for a few years.)
David, his wives, and children were fortunate. He provided
well for all three women and all 29 children. That little detail didn’t stop
Wives Two and Three from applying for—and receiving—welfare as
single, unemployed mothers. They were not unusual. In Manti, stories of “we
tricked the evil government out of money” were more than popular. They were
something of a status symbol.
Séances
No one needed to tell us that the Bible decries necromancy.
It’s there in black and white. So, after we looked up necromancy and found out
that it refers to communicating with the dead, we knew we were going to have to
call our séances something else. We settled on “Prayer Sessions.”
Our séances, I mean, our Prayer Sessions grew out of the
Mormon practice of “baptism for the dead.” Mormons believe that if you croak
without a chance to join their church, not to worry. In Mormon temples, officiators
read aloud from a computer-generated list the name of one dead person after
another, immersing a volunteer “for and in behalf of” each name. Should the
deceased accept Mormonism in the hereafter, the proxy baptism counts. Should
the deceased not accept, it’s off to Spirit Prison with them.
It always seemed to me that such a system would give
atheists an advantage. If you woke up in the hereafter and found Mormon
missionaries at your door, you might stand a better chance of believing in the
hereafter, not to mention of hearing out the missionaries. It also seemed to me
that in more than 150 years of baptisms for the dead, someone would have
realized it should be “ on behalf.”
Joseph Smith told the early Mormons, “The greatest
responsibility in this world that God has laid upon us is to seek after our
dead.” That is why Mormons are avid genealogists who make Jews mad by doing
proxy baptisms for Holocaust victims.
For the same reason, we took baptism for the dead seriously
in the TLC. But we took it a step further. We started talking with the dead.
Taking it a step even further than that, the dead started talking back. Before
long, we had invited every famous stiff you could think of to become a member
of The True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days. Our
ranks on The Other Side soon swelled with the likes of George Washington, Marie
Antoinette, Wolfgang Mozart, Florence Nightingale, Martin Luther, Madame Curie,
Winston Churchill, Christopher Columbus, Joan of Arc, and others.
It was during Prayer Sessions that we provided the dead with
the opportunity to make known their desire to join the TLC. We formed a circle
around an altar, the women veiling their faces, and joined hands. As Harmston’s
First Wife, it was Elaine’s calling to act, not as “medium” since that would
have been necromancy, but as “voice.” Closing her eyes and rocking back and
forth, Elaine would call out, “In the naaaaaame of Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus
Chriiiiiiiiiiiist I call up”—the name of the deceased—“acrossssssssssss
the veillllllll.” Then, repeating the name of the deceased,
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