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Book: Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch
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Authors: David Schnarch
Tags: Family & Relationships, Psychology, Interpersonal relations, Marriage & Long Term Relationships, Emotions, Human Sexuality
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percentage of them march around the house shouting, “It’s not me who is the problem, it’s
you
!”
•
Sally and Robert
Like many LDPs, Sally frequently heard these kinds of comments. Her partner Robert, the HDP, often felt compelled to share his feelings,specifically that she was hung up about sex. When Sally and Robert first came to see me, Robert said he felt good about himself and deserved more than what he was getting in his marriage. If I hadn’t listened carefully, what he was saying would have made perfect sense. As I learned more, however, I saw a different picture: Sally, the LDP, indeed controlled when sex occurred. But how and why Robert pictured this control happening said a lot about him and his sense of self.
Robert blamed Sally and made her feel defective because his own reflected sense of self was crumbling. Robert took Sally’s lack of desire as a criticism of his desirability and adequacy as a lover. Sally controlled Robert’s self-worth simply by choosing when to have sex or not. Robert’s reflected sense of self hinged on having sex. She controlled Robert’s adequacy whether she liked it or not.
Sally intuitively knew this. She knew how Robert’s mind worked. Robert made himself less sexually appealing by acting like he didn’t take it personally. Sally knew Robert’s self-image relied on her responding
enthusiastically
the moment he made an overture. The pressure made her even less desirous.
Last chapter we saw how your sense of self is woven into your sexual desire, and previously we learned that the LDP always controls sex. What happens when this combines with the fact that most of us depend on a positive reflected sense of self,
especially
when it comes to sex? Sally and Robert illustrate what this looks like in daily life: In addition to controlling sex,
the LDP controls the HDP’s sense of adequacy, too
.
This starts long before any hint of sexual problems. This is how things are in love relationships from the outset. (Women, in particular, are taught to be acutely aware of protecting their partner’s “sexual ego.”) When desire problems or sexual dysfunctions show up,
the LDP controls the HDP’s adequacy whether she likes it (or knows it) or not
. When the HDP takes steps to bolster his sagging self-worth, it usually further affects the LDP’s already-diminished sense of self. And thus, the age-old cycle of sexual desire and human development begins anew.
IT STARTS AT THE BEGINNING: BEING NORMAL
Like many couples, Robert and Sally had problems from the start. The second time they had sex, Robert asked if she had problems having orgasms. Sally said she didn’t think so. It just took her longer with a new partner to really relax and get into it. Robert said this was fine with him, but Sally felt he wasn’t being honest. Thereafter, Sally made more signs of pleasure—even when she wasn’t feeling it—because Robert seemed to need this. He certainly seemed happier when she moaned and groaned. Sally also did this because she felt unsure of herself, and she wanted Robert to like her.
What I’m describing is normal stuff. It transcends gender, sexual orientation, and culture. I’ve worked with other couples like Sally and Robert except their genders are reversed. Gay and lesbian couples do this too. We all want other people to like, accept, and admire us. But like many people, Robert
depended
on Sally (and other people) to help him feel good about himself. 57 He didn’t have much solid self, but instead relied on his reflected sense of self. Although he never saw it, Robert wanted Sally to accommodate and defer to him. This made him feel important, loved, respected, and cherished.
Sally did this early on in their marriage. She felt it her responsibility to make Robert happy. His unhappiness meant she was failing as a wife. Satisfying Robert propped up Sally’s own reflected sense of self—for a while. This was her response whenever important people in her life
you
!”
•
Sally and Robert
Like many LDPs, Sally frequently heard these kinds of comments. Her partner Robert, the HDP, often felt compelled to share his feelings,specifically that she was hung up about sex. When Sally and Robert first came to see me, Robert said he felt good about himself and deserved more than what he was getting in his marriage. If I hadn’t listened carefully, what he was saying would have made perfect sense. As I learned more, however, I saw a different picture: Sally, the LDP, indeed controlled when sex occurred. But how and why Robert pictured this control happening said a lot about him and his sense of self.
Robert blamed Sally and made her feel defective because his own reflected sense of self was crumbling. Robert took Sally’s lack of desire as a criticism of his desirability and adequacy as a lover. Sally controlled Robert’s self-worth simply by choosing when to have sex or not. Robert’s reflected sense of self hinged on having sex. She controlled Robert’s adequacy whether she liked it or not.
Sally intuitively knew this. She knew how Robert’s mind worked. Robert made himself less sexually appealing by acting like he didn’t take it personally. Sally knew Robert’s self-image relied on her responding
enthusiastically
the moment he made an overture. The pressure made her even less desirous.
Last chapter we saw how your sense of self is woven into your sexual desire, and previously we learned that the LDP always controls sex. What happens when this combines with the fact that most of us depend on a positive reflected sense of self,
especially
when it comes to sex? Sally and Robert illustrate what this looks like in daily life: In addition to controlling sex,
the LDP controls the HDP’s sense of adequacy, too
.
This starts long before any hint of sexual problems. This is how things are in love relationships from the outset. (Women, in particular, are taught to be acutely aware of protecting their partner’s “sexual ego.”) When desire problems or sexual dysfunctions show up,
the LDP controls the HDP’s adequacy whether she likes it (or knows it) or not
. When the HDP takes steps to bolster his sagging self-worth, it usually further affects the LDP’s already-diminished sense of self. And thus, the age-old cycle of sexual desire and human development begins anew.
IT STARTS AT THE BEGINNING: BEING NORMAL
Like many couples, Robert and Sally had problems from the start. The second time they had sex, Robert asked if she had problems having orgasms. Sally said she didn’t think so. It just took her longer with a new partner to really relax and get into it. Robert said this was fine with him, but Sally felt he wasn’t being honest. Thereafter, Sally made more signs of pleasure—even when she wasn’t feeling it—because Robert seemed to need this. He certainly seemed happier when she moaned and groaned. Sally also did this because she felt unsure of herself, and she wanted Robert to like her.
What I’m describing is normal stuff. It transcends gender, sexual orientation, and culture. I’ve worked with other couples like Sally and Robert except their genders are reversed. Gay and lesbian couples do this too. We all want other people to like, accept, and admire us. But like many people, Robert
depended
on Sally (and other people) to help him feel good about himself. 57 He didn’t have much solid self, but instead relied on his reflected sense of self. Although he never saw it, Robert wanted Sally to accommodate and defer to him. This made him feel important, loved, respected, and cherished.
Sally did this early on in their marriage. She felt it her responsibility to make Robert happy. His unhappiness meant she was failing as a wife. Satisfying Robert propped up Sally’s own reflected sense of self—for a while. This was her response whenever important people in her life
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