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wailed. I won’t be able to give birth! And if I do, the baby will die! You can’t know that, I said, you can’t possibly know. But Jani said there were some things you just knew about your body, and she was absolutely, positively sure.
    I tried to calm her and soothe her, but she kept crying.
    “I cannot marry C.P.,” she said.
    “You need to fall in love with someone,” I offered.
    “No one will ever love me, no one that gentle,” she said.
    “Maybe you don’t have to sleep with your husband,” I said, but even as I said that, I knew it was preposterous. Children were always the object of marriage; everyone knew that.
    “There is only one thing I can do, and I need to do it soon,” she said.
    I became alarmed, and thought she meant to take her life, but she merely clasped a blue prayer book to her heart and closed her eyes.
    “What will you do, Jani?” I asked finally, scared.
    “I am going into the convent.”
    “Convent!”
    “I’m devoting myself to God.”

Eight

    My grandmother took Jani’s news badly.
    “What do you mean?” she screamed.
    “I’m better suited for a convent. I’m not made for this world,” said Jani.
    “Is it because you don’t like C.P.? You don’t have to marry him; we can look elsewhere.”
    “I don’t want to look anywhere. I’m becoming a nun.”
    “And what about our gods? Are they not enough for you?”
    “I’ve thought it over, and my mind and heart are clear,” said Jani.
    “Why do I have such strange girls around me?” moaned my grandmother, glaring at all of us, including my mother.
    When Jani said she wasn’t meant for this world, I was reminded of something else. A long time ago, something terrible had happened to Jani. A baby she was watching died. Little Jou-Jou was a cousin’s baby, and Jani at ten was asked to keep an eye on her while the mother was gone. Jani sat in a chair and for five minutes watched the baby’s face; Jou-Jou looked like an old woman with red eyes. Then Jani turned away and settled more comfortably in the chair, waiting for the mother’s return. How unimaginable it was that when the mother did come back, her smile of thanks to Jani turned into a shriek; the baby’s face was purple, its body still. It was one of those things that have no explanation. The mother, mad with grief and shock, grabbed Jani and shook her violently, screaming, “What have you done to my baby?”
    Grandmother had first told me the story while combing my hair, shaking her head with the sadness of the world. Jani had never mentioned it, but I vaguely knew she was uneasy about babies.
    Once, when an aunt unthinkingly offered Jani her baby to hold, Jani ran from the room. My grandmother had said that Jani was a delicate soul, a little different from the rest of us, having witnessed tragedy so young.
    But to become a nun! I never imagined that Jani would leave us. Up to the very moment of her departure, I kept on thinking that something would prevent it. Iwatched, desolate, while she packed a suitcase. Her closet was full of brightly colored saris and blouses she no longer had any use for, gauzy scarves that she bequeathed to me.
    “You’re not taking your shawl?” I asked, fingering the violet and pink cashmere I loved.
    “God will keep me warm,” she said, surveying her sandals.
    “But Grandmother gave it to you.”
    “I know.”
    “But she’ll be offended. You can’t leave it,” I said, packing it into her bag.
    She took it out, whereupon I fiercely put it back.
    “You’re being a pig,” I said, ready to cry.
    “No one asked you,” she said, pleading.
    We looked at each other.
    “So you don’t want to marry C.P. So what? You can be an unmarried teacher. You can take a job,” I said.
    “It wouldn’t work. I want to get away from everyone.”
    “Grandmother’s heart will give out—bang!”
    “I’m trying to pack peacefully,” Jani told me, exasperated.
    “Sure. You think you’re running away to sanctuary, but it’s all a