wouldn’t you know it?
Walter couldn’t get it up.
Not even at the virile age of eighteen and being straddled by the living summation of female beauty. Walter’s crane would not rise. She’d of course sweetly consoled him with comforting words like, “Oh, honey, don’t worry, it happens sometimes” or “You’re just nervous, that’s all.” Stuff like that. Walter, indeed, was very nervous. This was his first time, blast it all. If there really was a God, He was having a big laugh. Walter wanted to lose his male virginity just like any male virgin wanted to, and to lose it with the girl of his dreams would’ve been even better. But, alas, all that he would lose on these nights was sleep.
“So,” Colin chided on. “You’re not getting laid.”
“Shut up!” Walter yelled back
“You’re doing all that work for her, and she’s not even hauling your ashes.”
“Be quiet!”
What was the use? Colin didn’t understand anything about love. He had all the women he wanted, and all of them were dancers at the local strip joint. Colin was just as nerdy looking as Walter, but the only difference between them was that it had been Colin, not Walter, who’d won the hundred million dollars in the state lottery.
Meantime, his love for her grew, as did the time he spent doing her assignments and prepping her for exams. Walter, in his eighteen-year-old romantic idealism, believed that he was in a budding relationship. And those guys he kept seeing her with? The jocks, the guys in letterman jackets, the football players who looked bigger than most compact cars? They were just friends of hers. Sure, girls had male friends. Nothing wrong with that. Just because they were opposite sexes didn’t mean something was going on. Right?
Just as Walter knew that an anomalus range of 2.5 to 8 electron volts was necessary to achieve plasmotic self-ionization, he knew that Candice loved him and would one day be his wife.
But back to that conversation he’d been having with his brother. Colin said: “Hey, did you hear the one about Candice robbing a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard!”
“Shut up!” Walter yelled while tapping out a quick paper on small energy loss during elastic collisions of electrons in magnetic fields.
“She doesn’t love you,” Colin reiterated.
“I’ll have you know that I have a date with her. Tonight.”
Colin smiled. “Oh, so she’s got another math assignment for you to do, huh?”
“No, she doesn’t. The date’s at her dorm, smart guy. She invited me over.”
“She’s got another math assignment for you to do...”
He’ll eat crow when Candice and I get married. Walter couldn’t wait. He looked at his watch. “See ya, Colin. I’ve got to be over there in ten minutes,” and then Walter headed for the door. As he left, Colin was just shaking his head, assuring his inept brother, “She won’t be there ...”
Candice wasn’t there. Walter had the girl at the dorm desk call up to Candice’s room ten times. “Walter,” the girl said, getting annoyed after the eighth or ninth time, “she’s not there.”
Walter considered every possibility. Of course, she was there—she said she’d be, she invited him over. There was no way that a girl as considerate as Candice would stand him up. Impossible... She took a nap and forgot to set her alarm. She had a late class. She lost track of time at the library. “Could you ring her room again, please?” Walter asked. “She was probably just taking a shower.” By now the desk girl was irate: “Walter, Jesus Christ. Candice has not been taking a shower for the last TWO HOURS!”
“Please?”
“All right, look. I’ll call one more time, and if she doesn’t answer, you’ll leave, right?”
“Okay,” Walter agreed because he knew in his heart that Candice would never treat him like this. She was just taking a long shower, he felt convinced. She’s there.
“Tenth ring,” the girl informed. “She’s not
Walter couldn’t get it up.
Not even at the virile age of eighteen and being straddled by the living summation of female beauty. Walter’s crane would not rise. She’d of course sweetly consoled him with comforting words like, “Oh, honey, don’t worry, it happens sometimes” or “You’re just nervous, that’s all.” Stuff like that. Walter, indeed, was very nervous. This was his first time, blast it all. If there really was a God, He was having a big laugh. Walter wanted to lose his male virginity just like any male virgin wanted to, and to lose it with the girl of his dreams would’ve been even better. But, alas, all that he would lose on these nights was sleep.
“So,” Colin chided on. “You’re not getting laid.”
“Shut up!” Walter yelled back
“You’re doing all that work for her, and she’s not even hauling your ashes.”
“Be quiet!”
What was the use? Colin didn’t understand anything about love. He had all the women he wanted, and all of them were dancers at the local strip joint. Colin was just as nerdy looking as Walter, but the only difference between them was that it had been Colin, not Walter, who’d won the hundred million dollars in the state lottery.
Meantime, his love for her grew, as did the time he spent doing her assignments and prepping her for exams. Walter, in his eighteen-year-old romantic idealism, believed that he was in a budding relationship. And those guys he kept seeing her with? The jocks, the guys in letterman jackets, the football players who looked bigger than most compact cars? They were just friends of hers. Sure, girls had male friends. Nothing wrong with that. Just because they were opposite sexes didn’t mean something was going on. Right?
Just as Walter knew that an anomalus range of 2.5 to 8 electron volts was necessary to achieve plasmotic self-ionization, he knew that Candice loved him and would one day be his wife.
But back to that conversation he’d been having with his brother. Colin said: “Hey, did you hear the one about Candice robbing a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard!”
“Shut up!” Walter yelled while tapping out a quick paper on small energy loss during elastic collisions of electrons in magnetic fields.
“She doesn’t love you,” Colin reiterated.
“I’ll have you know that I have a date with her. Tonight.”
Colin smiled. “Oh, so she’s got another math assignment for you to do, huh?”
“No, she doesn’t. The date’s at her dorm, smart guy. She invited me over.”
“She’s got another math assignment for you to do...”
He’ll eat crow when Candice and I get married. Walter couldn’t wait. He looked at his watch. “See ya, Colin. I’ve got to be over there in ten minutes,” and then Walter headed for the door. As he left, Colin was just shaking his head, assuring his inept brother, “She won’t be there ...”
Candice wasn’t there. Walter had the girl at the dorm desk call up to Candice’s room ten times. “Walter,” the girl said, getting annoyed after the eighth or ninth time, “she’s not there.”
Walter considered every possibility. Of course, she was there—she said she’d be, she invited him over. There was no way that a girl as considerate as Candice would stand him up. Impossible... She took a nap and forgot to set her alarm. She had a late class. She lost track of time at the library. “Could you ring her room again, please?” Walter asked. “She was probably just taking a shower.” By now the desk girl was irate: “Walter, Jesus Christ. Candice has not been taking a shower for the last TWO HOURS!”
“Please?”
“All right, look. I’ll call one more time, and if she doesn’t answer, you’ll leave, right?”
“Okay,” Walter agreed because he knew in his heart that Candice would never treat him like this. She was just taking a long shower, he felt convinced. She’s there.
“Tenth ring,” the girl informed. “She’s not
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