Read Online If I Tell by Janet Gurtler - Free Book Online Page B

mind on that one. I’d been thankful for that.
    She sighed. “You haven’t forgotten the things you promised Grandpa, have you, Jasmine?”
    I rubbed my eyes. I shook my head slowly so as not to hurt my brain. Grandpa wouldn’t have let me get away with any of this. He would have been furious at me for taking advantage of the freedom they gave me and getting drunk.
    “Jasmine.” Grandma pressed her lips together again. “I’m not clueless about what goes on with kids your age, but I’ve always trusted you to make good decisions. Safe sex. That’s why I let you stay out late. I don’t want you sneaking around.”
    “Grandma!” I did not want to have that conversation. Especially after last night when I’d actually gotten close to a member of the opposite sex for the first time in my life.
    “Well, how do you think you ended up being born?” she said in a crisp voice. “Osmosis?”
    “I know, I know. Leave me alone, okay? I’m not having sex.” Especially not with Nathan.
    She didn’t take her eyes off me. “Well, okay. But drinking will lead to bad decisions. You’re only seventeen.”
    “Almost eighteen.”
    Grandma gave me a look, and I shut my mouth. “Lacey is old enough to drink, but you’re not. You know I like her. But if you’re going to get into trouble…”
    Grandma let me hang with Lacey because it made both of us feel better that I had friends. Even if they were older.
    “It wasn’t Lacey’s fault.” I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I mean, she didn’t make me drink.” Not directly. I sat up and pulled my knees in close, trying to make myself smaller.
    “You have a mind of your own. I’m aware of that, but I worry about you. It’s my job. Now up. Shower. Out of bed. It’s not okay to hang around in bed all day.” She paused. “Drinking makes people do stupid things.”
    “Like getting pregnant?” I asked.
    Grandma crossed her arms and pressed her lips tighter.
    “Well, if Mom hadn’t gotten pregnant, I wouldn’t even be here for you to worry about.”
    Grandma stepped closer. “That’s not what I mean. We were blessed with you.” She cleared her throat. “If something is bothering you, you can talk to me, you know. Like you did with Grandpa. It’s not like you to drink. Is it?”
    “No. Everything’s fine.” I stared past her shoulder at a poster. “It was stupid. I’m sorry. I won’t get drunk again. I hated it. I feel terrible.” I sighed. “I miss Grandpa.”
    “Me too.” Grandma’s cheeks reddened. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She needed to reapply her lipstick; she hated being without it. “Why don’t you talk to Simon?”
    “I don’t want to talk to him.”
    Grandma’s expression changed and she looked almost puzzled. “You’re still angry with him? You two have such a bond. I’ve loved that.”
    “You mean because we’re black?” I snapped.
    “Well, no.” Grandma hesitated and sat on the edge of my bed. “You’re not just black. You’re white too, right?” She reached out and stroked my arm.
    “No, Grandma. You’re white.” I hugged my knees tighter. “I’ve never really been considered white by anyone except you and Grandpa.”
    “That’s not true.” Grandma clucked her tongue like a rooster on speed.
    “It is. I mean, let’s face it. Tadita is a pretty conservative town. Black people stick together, and white people stick together. I feel like the monkey in the middle sometimes.” I rested my head on top of my knees and struggled against the feelings whirling inside me. I’d never told her or Grandpa about the day at the pool. I never would.
    “You and Grandpa always said I needed to accept myself for who I am. But I never knew parts of myself. I still don’t.”
    She reached for my knee and held on.
    “You didn’t teach me about being black. You didn’t even know how to do my hair,” I said. “I looked like Mickey Mouse for the first seven years of my life.”
    Grandma started to laugh, and I