to eat all this fucked up shit like farina for the next month. Serves you right. But I wouldn’t give you some anyway. I don’t give candy to two-bit criminals.”
I realized I’d turned a corner in my life because instead of feeling nothing but guilty for having been caught, I was equally curious to know how much she knew. “What do you mean, Mom?”
“That ‘Who, me?’ look didn’t work when you were five years old, and it doesn’t work now. What made you think you could steal someone’s identity? And the asshole who used to own my own home? How stupid are you?”
I was relieved that at least she didn’t know about Biff. “Did you—?”
“Of course I didn’t tell the cops.” She angrily munched on her chocolate. “Oh, great. You think your own mother is a snitch. Even when you were teething like there was no tomorrow, I let you suck the milk from my tits. And look at the thanks I get. Am I a canary? Do I flap my yellow wings and sing away the day to the cops?”
Despite how rotten I felt, I was salivating for a bite of candy bar. “But how did you figure all this out?”
She finished the last bite and tossed the crumbled wrapper in the wastebasket. “With something called a brain, though I realize you were born without one. I knew you went to see that shyster lawyer. When you didn’t come home by evening, I called her. She said you went to the bank. The TV was going bananas over this big local bank robbery, so I figured it was just your lousy luck to be there. At first I thought you were stupid enough to rob the damn place. But I figured I should find out what was what before asking the cops anything. I looked up the last web pages you went to on your computer. Yep, that’s right. You, the great computer whiz, didn’t delete the wookie-cookies or whatever the hell they call them. Dr. Jesse Falcon! Are you nuts? They told me you were here. Anyway, I called the nephew of this nice lady who’s my neighbor. He works for the crummy town newspaper, and he told me that Dr. Jesse Fuckhead Falcon was shot in the bank robbery. One of those bank robbers was turning you into Swiss cheese when the cops broke in and shot him right through his dumbfuck head. That’s what saved you. A teller ID’d you as the Good Doctor. When you’re out of this dumpy hospital, you should light a candle in a house of worship and thank the good Lord God.”
“Where’s Scotty?”
“With me, you idiot. What did you think, that I sold him to pirates? My neighbor is watching him now. A nice, law-abiding old bag like his grandma. I don’t want him seeing you this way. I don’t know if he should see you ever again. But his mother is such a fuck, I suppose you’re the lesser of two evils.” She took out a nail clipper from her purse. “Hold out your hands.”
I obeyed, as she clipped my fingernails. “You should always maintain a clean appearance. Surely I raised you to know that much.”
“What should I do, Mom?”
“Get the hell out of town, dummy,” she replied, cutting my nails neatly to the quick. “Let’s see if it blows over. I’ll keep Scotty for now. We’ll tell him Daddy’s busy. It’s not like Betsy McBitch is dying to take care of him. We’ll tell the lawyer lady that you’re setting up a job someplace. I threw your laptop in the trash—in a plastic bag full of Porky’s stinking hamster shit and piss litter. If the cops come around, I’ll pretend to be some senile old lady. I already complained to the post office about not getting my mail, just in case.”
“Uh, what about, you know . . . money?”
“I paid the lawyer her retainer and then some. Why couldn’t you take money from me in the first place? I’m your mother , damn it. What made you think you could get away with anything? Criminals are smart.”
I looked at my freshly clipped nails. “I’m smart. You always said so.”
“I didn’t say it so you’d become a crook . I thought you’d be a doctor. Someone who’d take
I realized I’d turned a corner in my life because instead of feeling nothing but guilty for having been caught, I was equally curious to know how much she knew. “What do you mean, Mom?”
“That ‘Who, me?’ look didn’t work when you were five years old, and it doesn’t work now. What made you think you could steal someone’s identity? And the asshole who used to own my own home? How stupid are you?”
I was relieved that at least she didn’t know about Biff. “Did you—?”
“Of course I didn’t tell the cops.” She angrily munched on her chocolate. “Oh, great. You think your own mother is a snitch. Even when you were teething like there was no tomorrow, I let you suck the milk from my tits. And look at the thanks I get. Am I a canary? Do I flap my yellow wings and sing away the day to the cops?”
Despite how rotten I felt, I was salivating for a bite of candy bar. “But how did you figure all this out?”
She finished the last bite and tossed the crumbled wrapper in the wastebasket. “With something called a brain, though I realize you were born without one. I knew you went to see that shyster lawyer. When you didn’t come home by evening, I called her. She said you went to the bank. The TV was going bananas over this big local bank robbery, so I figured it was just your lousy luck to be there. At first I thought you were stupid enough to rob the damn place. But I figured I should find out what was what before asking the cops anything. I looked up the last web pages you went to on your computer. Yep, that’s right. You, the great computer whiz, didn’t delete the wookie-cookies or whatever the hell they call them. Dr. Jesse Falcon! Are you nuts? They told me you were here. Anyway, I called the nephew of this nice lady who’s my neighbor. He works for the crummy town newspaper, and he told me that Dr. Jesse Fuckhead Falcon was shot in the bank robbery. One of those bank robbers was turning you into Swiss cheese when the cops broke in and shot him right through his dumbfuck head. That’s what saved you. A teller ID’d you as the Good Doctor. When you’re out of this dumpy hospital, you should light a candle in a house of worship and thank the good Lord God.”
“Where’s Scotty?”
“With me, you idiot. What did you think, that I sold him to pirates? My neighbor is watching him now. A nice, law-abiding old bag like his grandma. I don’t want him seeing you this way. I don’t know if he should see you ever again. But his mother is such a fuck, I suppose you’re the lesser of two evils.” She took out a nail clipper from her purse. “Hold out your hands.”
I obeyed, as she clipped my fingernails. “You should always maintain a clean appearance. Surely I raised you to know that much.”
“What should I do, Mom?”
“Get the hell out of town, dummy,” she replied, cutting my nails neatly to the quick. “Let’s see if it blows over. I’ll keep Scotty for now. We’ll tell him Daddy’s busy. It’s not like Betsy McBitch is dying to take care of him. We’ll tell the lawyer lady that you’re setting up a job someplace. I threw your laptop in the trash—in a plastic bag full of Porky’s stinking hamster shit and piss litter. If the cops come around, I’ll pretend to be some senile old lady. I already complained to the post office about not getting my mail, just in case.”
“Uh, what about, you know . . . money?”
“I paid the lawyer her retainer and then some. Why couldn’t you take money from me in the first place? I’m your mother , damn it. What made you think you could get away with anything? Criminals are smart.”
I looked at my freshly clipped nails. “I’m smart. You always said so.”
“I didn’t say it so you’d become a crook . I thought you’d be a doctor. Someone who’d take
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