Read Online I Want My Epidural Back by Karen Alpert - Free Book Online Page A

there’s only one.

    HOLDEN: But I want TWO!

    ME: Fine. Here’s Nemo.

    I point to Nemo on his cup.

    Then I spin the cup ALL the way around.

    ME: And here’s another Nemo.

    HOLDEN: Yay, two Nemos!

Dear parents who don’t think it’s fair to ban nuts from school

    Dear Parents at __________ School who don’t think it’s fair for the school to ban nut products,

    So I just heard the story about your school and even though my kids don’t go there, I still couldn’t help but have an opinion. Now if you don’t want to hear what I think, feel free to stop reading now. Seriously, stop reading ’cause you might not agree with what I say.

    Okay, you’re still with me. Here we go.

    So lemme get this straight. There’s this kid who’s deathly allergic to nuts. Like it’s so bad that if this kid sat down at a table where someone was eating nuts, he would die. As in dead. Gone. Forever. And the only way this kid can go to school is if the school bans EVERYONE from bringing nut products into the school.

    And lemme make sure I understand where you’re coming from. So you think it’s YOUR kid’s right to bring her favorite snack to school. You think if someone tells her she can’t bring a PB&J to lunch that her freedom is being squashed.

    Am I understanding all of this so far? I just want to make sure I have this straight.

    Okay.

    So are you ready for my opinion? Do you want to hear what I think? Stop being such a goddamn shartrag and grow the F up. I mean seriously? SERIOUSLY?!!! You think your kid’s right to eat a stupid brownie with chopped nuts in it is more important than a kid’s life? Your kid can still eat her crappy PB&J. She’s just gonna have to wait a few extra hours until she gets home from school.

    I’m sorry if it’s inconvenient for you to have to think a little harder about what you pack in little Timmy’s lunchbox. Think how F’ing hard it is for Allergy Boy’s mom every damn day trying to figure out where he can and can’t go, and what he can and can’t eat. How awful it must be for her to send her kid off every day knowing she might not see him again if he accidentally touches the wrong table.

    â€œBut but but can’t this kid get homeschooled?” you ask. Ummm, first of all, are you offering to homeschool him, because who the hell said his mom can do that? Duh, maybe she works like most parents do.

    â€œWell, why should my love muffin have to stop bringing banana nut muffins to school because some other kid has allergies?”

    I’ll tell you why. It’s called compassion. It’s called puttingyourself in another mother’s shoes. It’s called teaching your kid that maybe, just maybe, her desire to take peanut M&M’s to school isn’t quite as important as a boy’s life.

    Anyways, that’s just my measly two cents. Take it or leave it. I’m off to the kitchen where I’m going to eat a scoop of peanut butter, because it’s not gonna hurt anyone, because I’m at home.

    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Sincerely,
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  A mom who gives a crap about ALL kids, not just my own

    HUBBY: I’m getting a milk shake.

    ME: But the kids didn’t eat enough to get one.

    HUBBY: So? I did.

    ME: Yeah, but if YOU get one, they’re totally gonna want one too.

    HUBBY: I’ll just tell them no.

    ME: Then they’re gonna be whiny a-holes the whole way home and we’re gonna have to listen to that shit.

    HUBBY: Fine, I won’t let them see it.

    ME: Yeah, right. Like that’ll work.

    I stand corrected. Thank God for winter hats!

Once upon a time there