Read Online I Like You Just Fine When You're Not Around by Ann Garvin - Free Book Online Page A

and pump breastmilk for when my maternity leave ended. Next thing you know, I look up from my double-mammary yeast infection and I’m married to a good ol’ boy and he’s calling me the ball ’n chain.” Jean’s face registered disbelief and outrage. Exactly the look you’d see on a person who thought her destination was Bali but exited in Cleveland instead. “You know how it is, Tig; it’s easier to get people to a proctologist than to a relationship counselor. I only got Newman here after seriously threatening divorce. If there had been someone to hold him accountable years ago, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today.”
    “Jean, I just screwed up my own relationship. I don’t think I’m the expert you need.”
    Jean Harmeyer’s dark eyes sparked and she licked her lips, working the pitch out in her mind. “See, the flaw in marriage is that there’s no accountability before taking it to the divorce courts.” She waved a hand in the air, like brushing away an annoying fly, and added, “I know, theoretically people are supposed to be generous and loving enough to see past their immediate needs and think of their partners first. I suppose this is exactly what would happen if Audrey Hepburn and Gandhi had married, but I married effin’ Newman. You think he ever thought to himself, ‘Gee, I wonder if Jean might like to sleep for four hours in a row’?” Jean punctuated her sentence loudly with a “’Ha!” and pointed at Macie, who appeared to be quietly absorbing every word. “He didn’t give a crap, and the only one complaining was me. What are a few complaints, when you’re hardly home to hear them? But, you air those complaints on the radio, a relationship expert weighs in, and you get some influence. You might even get some change.”
    Macie chimed in, “I totally get what you’re saying, Mrs. Harmeyer.” She stood up behind her desk. “There’s no small claims court for marriage. No place to tattle. No place to get a reality check and pass around time-outs.”
    “That’s it!” shouted Jean. “We’ll call it
It Ain’t Business, It’s Personal
, with Dr. Tig Monahan.”
    “Or call it
Is That Fair?
” Macie clapped her hands.
    Tig scowled, putting her fingers to her lips to shush them. “Why would anyone care what I have to say? I’m not a lawyer, and I hate those sanctimonious television judges.”
    “You’re still thinking inside the box,” Jean said. “This isn’t court. It’s radio. You’ll have the power of the airwaves behind you. The world needs a hand when a couple is stuck between ‘Hey, this isn’t fair’ and ‘I want a divorce.’ Right now, that place is more mythical than the G spot.” Jean looked at Macie and said, “The real G spot is defining what’s fair play in marriage and accountability. Now that would feel amazing.”
    Macie grinned and said, “My G spot is at the intersection of ‘up yours’ and ‘kiss my ass.’” Then, with a little less conviction she added, “But that’s probably why I’m not in a relationship.”
    Unconvinced, Tig said, “Don’t you want a lawyer; a moderator? Someone who does this for a living? One of those collaborative divorce people, maybe?”
    “God, no, I don’t want a legal authority on my show. That’s up to our listeners. We’ll have all the appropriate disclaimers, ‘These are not the opinions of the radio station’ . . . blah, blah blah. We’ll say this isn’t counseling or should not be substituted as counseling, and that you’re not to be held responsible.” Jean walked over to Tig. “Look, I knew this was going to set off all your moral bells and whistles because, the other day aside, I know that you’re a caring, careful therapist. I didn’t come to you because you’re a loose cannon. I want a balanced opinion of fairness. You will get to say fair or not fair. You will be supporting people, validating what they already know is true.”
    Tig raised her hand. “I have no interest in being