Read Online Hush Hush by Steven Barthelme - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Steven Barthelme
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We’ll have children, tomorrow, or Friday. I’d like to have children. Can we use a Skinner box? We have these gahunga cat carriers for dogs at the store—perfect for children. Claire?”
She was watching a police car cruising up the street andpast the apartments. The cop, a kid wearing sunglasses even though it had barely gotten light, gave them his best stare as he passed. “Only you are good enough for me, is that it?” she said.
Bailey’s heart sank a little. That was it. It occurred to him for the first time that maybe it wasn’t true, or that maybe the whole notion of “good enough” didn’t have anything to do with it. “No,” he said, weakly. “Don’t be silly.”
“We’re in love,” Claire said. “Whether we meet your specifications or not.”
“I got a new cat,” Bailey said. “Somebody here put it in my car Monday while I was talking to you. When I came out, it was in the car. I tried to leave it here. Then your precious boyfriend drove up and offered to blow it away with his big pistola. I guess he’s a dog person.” He feigned a smile. “I keep trying to figure out when my life ended. It wasn’t when we split up, it was before that. It was when I got that goddamn job, I think. I just didn’t notice because the job itself was distracting. Anything can be interesting for a while. And then you dumped me. It’s like, this money, this sixteen grand? I stopped caring about it ten minutes out of Biloxi. What good is it? I can pay off credit cards.”
“You had another girl,” Claire said. “Did you forget? She was about twenty and very tall, if I remember correctly.” She laughed, then stopped as abruptly as she had started and rubbed her chin, a weird, mannish gesture. “I remember every damn thing about her. She had a stupid name. Dashy. One of her charms, I guess.”
“You don’t feel like your life ended? Really? I don’t mean when we split up.” Bailey looked at her, looked away. “Like what you’re doing now is just so much busy work?”
In her white outfit, in the soft morning light, she didn’tlook so much uncomprehending as horribly indifferent. She shrugged. “I got older.”
Bailey stood up. “All that time, the time when we were together, when I was a lowlife, a slacker, every goddamn day, it was electric. Something wonderful was coming. I remember how wonderful stuff at the grocery store was, those Rubbermaid things and the little hardware display and funny vegetables. Then I got a job and a nice fat salary.” He turned his palms up and gave her a puzzled look. “All gone,” he said.
“Bailey, I don’t—”
“No,” he said sharply, suddenly afraid. “Nevermind. Sorry to bother you with this rot.” He smiled, a quick fake. Who knows what she might have been about to say, he thought. It was okay that she was intending to marry some perfectly ordinary young blond boy and go off to believe with him in everything that in the past they together they had not believed in. It was even okay to no longer believe in the things that they had believed in together. But he didn’t want to hear that it had never happened, that he had understood it wrong, that he had in fact been alone then, too. The idea of it made him shudder. She put her arm around him, leaning in, as if to kiss him, and hesitated. “Bailey?”
“Anyway, this cat is skinny,” he said, “looks like he hasn’t eaten since the Bicentennial. You’ll come see him sometime. He’s black, looks a little like Otto.” He glanced vaguely out into the damp morning air, closed his eyes, and shuddered again. “Still like cats, don’t you?” he said, waiting, urgently, for her kiss.
That Story about Freddy Hylo
I had been gambling for more than 36 hours, begged off work the next day, called my wife and told her I wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, hadn’t slept and hadn’t eaten and was about out of money when Richie called me and told me he was coming to meet me at the casino. I was almost at
She was watching a police car cruising up the street andpast the apartments. The cop, a kid wearing sunglasses even though it had barely gotten light, gave them his best stare as he passed. “Only you are good enough for me, is that it?” she said.
Bailey’s heart sank a little. That was it. It occurred to him for the first time that maybe it wasn’t true, or that maybe the whole notion of “good enough” didn’t have anything to do with it. “No,” he said, weakly. “Don’t be silly.”
“We’re in love,” Claire said. “Whether we meet your specifications or not.”
“I got a new cat,” Bailey said. “Somebody here put it in my car Monday while I was talking to you. When I came out, it was in the car. I tried to leave it here. Then your precious boyfriend drove up and offered to blow it away with his big pistola. I guess he’s a dog person.” He feigned a smile. “I keep trying to figure out when my life ended. It wasn’t when we split up, it was before that. It was when I got that goddamn job, I think. I just didn’t notice because the job itself was distracting. Anything can be interesting for a while. And then you dumped me. It’s like, this money, this sixteen grand? I stopped caring about it ten minutes out of Biloxi. What good is it? I can pay off credit cards.”
“You had another girl,” Claire said. “Did you forget? She was about twenty and very tall, if I remember correctly.” She laughed, then stopped as abruptly as she had started and rubbed her chin, a weird, mannish gesture. “I remember every damn thing about her. She had a stupid name. Dashy. One of her charms, I guess.”
“You don’t feel like your life ended? Really? I don’t mean when we split up.” Bailey looked at her, looked away. “Like what you’re doing now is just so much busy work?”
In her white outfit, in the soft morning light, she didn’tlook so much uncomprehending as horribly indifferent. She shrugged. “I got older.”
Bailey stood up. “All that time, the time when we were together, when I was a lowlife, a slacker, every goddamn day, it was electric. Something wonderful was coming. I remember how wonderful stuff at the grocery store was, those Rubbermaid things and the little hardware display and funny vegetables. Then I got a job and a nice fat salary.” He turned his palms up and gave her a puzzled look. “All gone,” he said.
“Bailey, I don’t—”
“No,” he said sharply, suddenly afraid. “Nevermind. Sorry to bother you with this rot.” He smiled, a quick fake. Who knows what she might have been about to say, he thought. It was okay that she was intending to marry some perfectly ordinary young blond boy and go off to believe with him in everything that in the past they together they had not believed in. It was even okay to no longer believe in the things that they had believed in together. But he didn’t want to hear that it had never happened, that he had understood it wrong, that he had in fact been alone then, too. The idea of it made him shudder. She put her arm around him, leaning in, as if to kiss him, and hesitated. “Bailey?”
“Anyway, this cat is skinny,” he said, “looks like he hasn’t eaten since the Bicentennial. You’ll come see him sometime. He’s black, looks a little like Otto.” He glanced vaguely out into the damp morning air, closed his eyes, and shuddered again. “Still like cats, don’t you?” he said, waiting, urgently, for her kiss.
That Story about Freddy Hylo
I had been gambling for more than 36 hours, begged off work the next day, called my wife and told her I wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, hadn’t slept and hadn’t eaten and was about out of money when Richie called me and told me he was coming to meet me at the casino. I was almost at
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