Read Online How to Rescue a Dead Princess by Jeff Strand - Free Book Online Page B

room with the others.” Demon Baby nodded and went to get a broom.
    “I'd rather not leave her here, if it's all right,” said Sir William.
    “It's not.”
    “I see. Well, I'd like to thank you for your help. You certainly aren't the foul crone we were expecting.”
    Grysh's expression darkened. “Ah, but I am. You don't think I'm helping you for free, do you?”
    “Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please don't ask for the wooden leg,” begged Randall.
    “Do you find me attractive?” asked Grysh.
    Randall began to choke on the air in his mouth. “I hadn't really thought about it.”
    “Did you know I can tie my breasts into a square knot?”
    “That didn't come up in the description I was given.”
    “I'm a real animal when I want to be.”
    “With the fur to prove it,” mumbled Sir William.
    Grysh gestured, and Sir William suddenly flew up into the air, smacked his head against the ceiling a few times (almost, but not quite, in the “Shave and a Haircut” rhythm), then dropped to his original spot.
    “Sorry,” he said. “And ouch.”
    The witch returned her attention to Randall. She licked her lips, then cracked her knuckles. Then she cracked the joints in her arm. Then her shoulders. Then her neck. Then the spot where her nose would have been if she had one. She bent her knees, but that came out more of a creak than a crack.
    “I think we could enjoy each other's company,” she told Randall.
    “That sounds ... interesting. Almost fascinating. But, you know, I'm just a lowly squire, and I don't think Sir William would approve.”
    “Go for it,” said Sir William.
    Randall's heart felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest and onto the floor. “I'm a woefully inexperienced kisser,” he said. “I'd probably miss your lips completely.”
    “I don't have to look this way, you know,” Grysh said. She snapped her fingers, and instantly transformed into a tall, leggy, astoundingly attractive redhead.
    Sir William cleared his throat. “I don't suppose there's any way I could tactfully put myself back into the equation after that fur comment?”
    “I wouldn't think so, no.”
    “Just checking.”
    “So, Randall,” said Grysh. “Care to join me in my Chamber of Looooooooooove?”
    “Uh-huh.”
    “Good.” She looked over at Sir William. “Stay there.” She considered for a moment, then snapped her fingers. A bright light surrounded Sir William for a moment, then faded.
    “You turned him to stone!” Randall gasped.
    “Plated with pewter. He won't be going anywhere. Too bad he had such a ridiculous expression on his face—otherwise I might've been able to get a good price for the statue. Follow me.”
    Randall followed her around the corner into an area filled with all manner of books and reagents for spells. There were also cobwebs to add a touch of atmosphere. Demon Baby walked by, holding a broom and a new sack, and looked jealously at Randall.
    “In here,” said the witch, opening a door disguised as a door-shaped stack of books with a doorknob protruding from them. She let Randall enter first, then shut the door behind them, casting them into complete darkness.
    “Be careful,” she said. “Watch out for the floor spikes. And cobras.”
    “I'll just stay put.”
    A soft light without a visible source began to glow at the other end of the room, illuminating the bed. A very lumpy bed that seemed to be adorned with various torture devices.
    “Something's moving inside the pillows,” Randall noted.
    “I like to keep the feathers as fresh as possible.”
    She moved past him and sat down on the edge of the bed. She began to seductively massage her earlobes. “Come here,” she purred.
    Randall sat down next to her. She gently placed her hand on his knee. “Ooooooh,” she said. “That's a nice, firm kneecap you've got there.”
    “Thank you.”
    “Randall, sweetie, why don't you tell me a little about